AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

[4dogs]

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

"A lot of CCGs are rationing cataract surgery in many cases going against clinical guidelines".

I know this its not the main point of the thread but Im shocked at this. How disgusting the NHS is being eroded like this.

@4dogs

I think your reaction would be very different to this situation if she was your actual daughter and not a stepdaughter. While I understand the point of having a wedding you can afford, I think you are being quite negative here and you do not discuss her in a positive light.

This is your husbands' daughters wedding, it is his decision to see whether he can afford to help her or not, not yours. Regardless of her living or working situation, you should not get in between the relationship of father and daughter.

The other point is that most brides have all been there. They book a wedding, set the date, think they can afford it and then one or two things happen along the way and the wedding gets out of hand or its all a bit much. To actually suggest she cancel her wedding and rebook later would be an embarrassment to her, to call all her guests and cancel, it would be horrible. She should also be able to have the wedding of her dreams within reason and just because you had a low key wedding, does not mean she should.

Sorry to be blunt but you talk as if your someone in a second marriage, getting married later in life. It is a bit different when you plan a wedding for the first time and you are young. As her mother said, it is their responsibility. You do not just like spending money on someone who is not your daughter. But you knew when you married him that he has a previous family and he should not just forget about them just because you are on the scene.

Let your husband direct this situation as it is his responsibility.

Can't her BF find some work for the next 6 weeks and pay something towards it ?

You simply don’t have the money to spare.

SunniDay, that’s what I would do if it was my child, that or tell them to cancel and rearrange an affordable event for when they can afford it. DH ex is of the opinion that they ‘must’ help her out, she’s really stressed and it’s their responsibility! She is an idiot. It is DSD’s responsibility imo. It would be different if she needed money to help with something that would
improve their life or was a genuine unforseen emergency but it’s a poxy wedding day at a ‘posh’ venue!

I'm glad you've decided to not give your savings but you really need to discuss this with your DH asap.
Tell him she needs to learn from this and sort her own financial mess out and that you'd be hurt if he gave valuable money from the business to her before you were able to have a replacement wedding ring.
Point out that you had a quiet wedding that you could afford and if they really want to marry each other then they need to re-think how they can achieve this.
If your DH gives in now, he will forever be expected to bail them out.

This is your husbands' daughters wedding, it is his decision to see whether he can afford to help her or not, not yours.

But he can’t afford it.

The other point is that most brides have all been there. They book a wedding, set the date, think they can afford it and then one or two things happen along the way and the wedding gets out of hand or its all a bit much.

Most brides? Really! I don’t know of any.

FreeSpirit24

What dilemma for this man - pay for wedding for your DD to work shy, abusive man or help wife so she isn’t blind?

She should also be able to have the wedding of her dreams within reason

But who are you expecting to pay for this?!

As someone who is planning a wedding this year I have read a lot of contracts for venues caterers at this point. She is locked in now with 6 weeks to go and may actually have defaulted on some payment terms. I suspect your DH is trying to avoid her getting a CCJ.
Your cataracts I would recheck with your optician this post code lottery is changing my Mum was initially turned down by her LHA this year and then two months later had a letter to say she now qualified as they had altered the criteria and 5 weeks later her cataract was done.

You need to be very open with your DH about the effects it will have on your relationship and also not bail her out! Seems very manipulative with only 6 weeks to go IMO-she would have known ages ago that she did not have the money.

She’s 22 already has a three year old and is marrying a deadbeat in a wedding she couldn’t ever have afforded. Some one needs to sit her down and explain how the world works. Don’t give her the money. You can’t stop your husband giving her the money but he needs to really speak to her about her expectations in life. And why isn’t her fiancés family stumping up (obviously he should be stumping up). Do you guys do family meetings?

From what you’ve said about her relationship you’d be better off paying her to cancel the wedding and leave him!

You should have your op. If dp is denying you I’d question his commitment to you.

If DH's ex is known to be manipulative and a liar, and you haven't actually been approached by DSD for the money, are you actually sure she needs it? Could you just wait and make a decision when DSD approaches you so you can ask her what exactly the money is for?

Could it be that the basic wedding is paid for, but now she's decided she wants flash transport / something extra for the honeymoon / a second dress / something else ridiculous and easy to do without?

I agree, don't pay regardless, but it seems that your all getting into a tizz when a) DSD hasn't actually asked you yet and b) cancelling the wedding might not be the outcome of the money is not forthcoming. For now you don't need to do anything!

Cataract surgery is done for free on the NHS if you're in the uk. My DH had one eye done this week. So you shouldn't need your savings for that?

Why would your DH give cash based on a phone call from the Ex?

He knows nothing of the costs or payments already made or if DSD has any savings already

What was the plan with the cash gifts? That should be ring fenced for paying back debts if it goes ahead.

You can not make a financial decision with out the facts - go down this route with DH he has a sensible head - make sure he uses it

Villageidiots

Cataract surgery is done for free on the NHS if you're in the uk. My DH had one eye done this week. So you shouldn't need your savings for that?

If you’d read the thread you would know this is simply not true for the whole of the UK.

why are they bothering to get married ? this isn't going to last by the sounds of it and is just an excuse to show off for the day and the groom to get rat arsed.

1. Your health is more important than anyone’s wedding day and your dp must agree with this
2. Suggest to your dp how much more handy it would be to have the funds to bail her out if she decides to leave him
3. No secrets.his ex’s dp , his other daughters must know. Tell him you will alienate your children by keeping secrets from them. What will you say when your other child screams at you that you don’t love me like you love bridetobe dd?

It’s a shitshow.

What would you do if it was for your own daughter's wedding? What you would do for your own daughter is what you should do for your DSD.

If it was me I would not hand over any money, especially not money earmarked for an operation. You've already booked the operation and are committed to paying for it aren't you ?

If your dh thinks his dd wedding is more important than your eye surgery, he is very selfish

What a shit situation for yourself and your dh. He feels pressured into taking a loan and you feel pressured into stopping him doing that and giving his dd money saved for your important operation.

If I was in your shoes I would have a frank and honest conversation with your dh about the whole situation. Your dsd shouldn't be marrying this man, she needs to get her priorities right, she needs to grow up. That won't happen if she keeps getting bailed out.

Frankly, if she really wanted to get married she would be prepared to have a cheaper registry office do not a posh party. Even if you gave her the money, she would come after you for more and more, for extras and other costs. If she has wants funds she should spend it on improving her prospects for employment or her kid.

You MUST have your op and your DH shouldn’t take money out of the business that is sheer madness.

Why is she marrying this no hoper who appears bone idle and now unemployable with a potential drink problem.

Don’t be blackmailed by threats of loan sharks.

So basically she’s booked this wedding knowing she can’t afford it and hoping her parents will pay for it to get her out of a hole, I’d tell her no, there is no money, no guarantor for a loan she should have thought about it before she booked it.

OPs dh hasn't asked her for the money. He is talking about taking out a business loan. It's the OP who feels like she should offer him her savings.