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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

498 replies

4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:02

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 23/07/2019 11:19

Sounds like your DSD buried her head in the sand assuming your DH would bail her out if it went down to the wire as you'd both be angry at the waste of the initial £1k. But if DSD is adult enough to get married, then she needs to learn this lesson the hard way.

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2019 11:21

The wedding business is big money it's the same as anything though once you sign a contract you're locked in to the T&Cs so they will have known they had to pay or be liable!

This is why people are advised to take out wedding insurance. If, for some reason, you need to cancel the wedding (bereavement, called off the engagement, broken limbs, whatever), the venue and all the services you have booked like catering, flowers, photographer etc all need to be paid according to their contract. They'd go out of business pretty sharpish, otherwise!

So the hotel is completely within their rights to withhold the money already paid, and as OP says, they may also come after her for the extra costs. It's a bank holiday weekend - the AUGUST bank holiday weekend. The hotel and registrar and whoever else could have sold that slot many, many times over, that's why there's a premium on it.

Silly, silly girl. Awful, feckless, waste-of-space boyfriend.
Poor OP!

GreenTulips · 23/07/2019 11:22

Why would they encourage DSD to have a marriage to a man that’s useless? That would give her the impression they approve of the marriage.

As a husband and potential father He’s already a father

MaybeDoctor · 23/07/2019 11:28

Ah, well, you are probably right - yes, it is peak season for them so I can see that they might have anticipated earning 5-7k including bar takings on a bank holiday date in August.

I can be a bit of a softy and if I were a hotel wedding organiser I would probably end up letting spendthrift young couples with no money hold their weddings free of charge in my office or something. But obviously it doesn't do anyone any favours if the hotel goes out of business...

TanMateix · 23/07/2019 11:39

The way I see it is that by refusing to pay, your DH has just bought his DD some time to reconsider marrying this leach.

I am also very surprised to hear people can consider a hotel wedding, cake and photographer when they hardly have enough to eat.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 23/07/2019 11:40

MaybeDoctor Then word would spread and you'd be doing it every week. And how suitable would an office in a hotel be, really? People can already have a cheap wedding in a register office of their choice, some of them are really very nice.

FinallyHere · 23/07/2019 11:48

Well done to you and DH for holding the line

I used to be so cross when my parents refused to fund some mad scheme and only now, as an adult myself, do I realise how much harder it is for them to stick to the sensible line.

It will do her well in the longer term. Perhaps without the fun of planning a wedding DSD's might begin to open to her real predicament in life.

Ariela · 23/07/2019 12:17

Could they advertise the wedding package on eg FB, as available for the amount it costs less the amount already paid, so as far as the hotel is concerned it's just a change of names? Could be a bargain for someone?

crosstalk · 23/07/2019 12:17

OP I hope your DH stands firm. The only thing he could do is go to the venue with his business head on and try to negotiate a less punitive future for her backing out with less than a month to go. Or just keep out of it.

Original poster
4dogs · 23/07/2019 12:31

DSD is still on about getting a loan! She is living in cloud cuckoo land.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 23/07/2019 12:33

How is she intending to repay a loan? When in over 13 months they have paid nothing towards their biggest financial commitment?

Nope.

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2019 12:35

Tell her to start a GoFundMe and ask all their friends and family to chip in.

If she doesn’t fancy that idea then she’ll have to understand why you and DH also wouldn’t be giving them any more money - in the form of a loan or otherwise.

bubblegumunicorn · 23/07/2019 12:44

@MyCatHatesEverybody sounds like she could have had a cheap wedding at this hotel a week later/ earlier too! I mean in the grand scheme of weddings £4200 isn't a huge expense (with lots costing £20k) but she could have had it 2k cheaper on a none bank holiday weekend why she thought yes let's just book the most expensive weekend we can is beyond me but she could have taken the 2k from her parents (if her mum ever planned to give her it) and only had to spend £200 £150 of which she spent on a hot tub last weekend she could have had this wedding reasonably but instead has gone for upgrades and expensive dates that's what I don't understand!! It's a valuable lesson to learn how to be thrifty and how to work for what you want!!

ChicCroissant · 23/07/2019 12:46

Do not guarantee the loan ....

fedup21 · 23/07/2019 12:56

DSD is still on about getting a loan! She is living in cloud cuckoo land.

More details please!

Who has she said that to-you? your DH? What did he say in response?

Thehop · 23/07/2019 13:06

How does she expect to get a guarantor?

Chocolatedaim · 23/07/2019 13:08

Getting a loan for a wedding is one of the most stupidest things she could do.
Do you know what the penalty would be for cancelling at this point?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/07/2019 13:28

DSD is still on about getting a loan!

Fine - let her try. No lender with any sense is likely to touch her, and if she goes to a loan shark that's her look-out as an adult

BTW, if this latest news is coming from messages to your DH, I hope he'll have the sense not to engage ...

Chocolatelover45 · 23/07/2019 13:33

DSD has probably had everything too easy. I've seen this before with children from parents whose own childhoods were hard but who have worked their way up and let their children want for nothing. Children then become lazy and entitled as they know nothing about their parents' earlier struggles. When they become adults they have no work ethic and low self esteem, and can't manage because they've always had everything given to them.
Much better for children to have to contribute towards family life by doing chores, getting a job as a teenager and being expected to save up for things they want rather than just being given everything.

MaryMcCarthy · 23/07/2019 13:51

What a load of entitled, spoiled kids we've spawned!

Reading stories like this, particularly about the willingness to get into unmanageable debt, you really do worry about the future of this country.

TanMateix · 23/07/2019 14:10

I so hope she doesn’t go for a shark loan! Does she know how to calculate interests? Especially if she can only afford about £120 a month to repay it?

I would calculate it for you but I don’t know what is the current APR for shark loans, But let me check and I’ll come back Smile

TanMateix · 23/07/2019 14:12

Ok, have found one willing to lend up to £3500 on a 1333% APR. That will cost her (or you) ...

TanMateix · 23/07/2019 14:16

Surely... this can’t be right! Shock

Take her phone away before she does something stupid!

AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?
Weezol · 23/07/2019 14:34

Sadly that rate is absolutely legal. I suspect she's banging on about a loan as her last ditch attempt at getting the cash from Daddy.

Hairyheadphones · 23/07/2019 14:35

TanMateix that’s sickening.

I would be so furious with them for not paying anything to the hotel over the past year, it’s your money that’s being wasted. I really hope you don’t, as you suggested earlier, pay for them to get married at a registry office - they need to pay for themselves especially after being so wasteful with your earlier gift.

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