AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

[4dogs]

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

Don't give the money - they are adults who are making no attempt to resolve the situation within the available resources.

Refer your DSD to one of the many financial guidance organisations like Christians Against Poverty who give debt/unemployment advice to everyone:

capuk.org

What a tricky situation and such a shame she didn’t have a reality check at an earlier stage.

It doesn’t sound like you can comfortably afford it at all.
On the other hand if she is committed now to paying I can see why her dad wouldn’t want her to go and get a dodgy high interest loan.

Another one shocked that you have to pay for your cataract op!

Bloody hell. So your h is wanting to pay for a wedding for his Dd to a controlling, manipulative, verbally abusive, work shy man who nobody likes?????

Ask him why he’s willing to endorse this?

So she's had £2000 towards the wedding.

That's enough.

It's not a choice of no wedding or loan sharks, is it?

She needs to cancel what she can't afford & rethink her expectations.

And get help to manage her money!

Perhaps DSD and H2B need to set up a GO fund me campaign to get family & friends to contribute/ donate to the cost of the wedding in lieu of gifts. How they phrase that and what they get back will be illuminating! 😈

OP don't lend your £ to this madness!

Agree with everyone saying not to lend the money.

60 a head is quite cheap where I live incidentally, most places I looked at were 100 a head but then I'm in London

I actually think this is quite difficult OP. You knew when you married him he had a completely dysfunctional existing family, so it’s not like it’s come as a huge shock. The fact that you have your own child is irrelevant; presumably you will expect to use “family” money to contribute towards her wedding? How would you feel if it was your own daughter who needed bailing out of a shit situation of her own making (not a wedding, just in general)? Would you give her the money or would you have the same reservations?

The MN collective is always very keen on family money when it’s provided by a man, but when that money “belongs” to the female half of the partnership, it’s suddenly hers and she should keep it and do what she wants with it.

In your shoes OP, I wouldn’t give them any money but I would try my best to help them in other ways. Go to the venue with them and try to negotiate payment terms or a less costly menu or whatever. Work out how much of the prep (flowers, favours, table decorations etc) you could help the bride with to cut costs. If she then throws that back in your face, you’ve got a clear conscience.

Just say no.

Thanks everyone. I feel much better for all your responses. Imo DSD should cancel wedding and will have to deal with any financial consequences via an IVA or even a DRO. If she really wants to be married she can get married pretty cheaply, but I think the day itself is what matters to her. I even wonder if groom will turn up! If he wants to be married why did he stop turning up to his quite well paid job. I think I have been naive. I knew DH’s daughters were a bit of a nightmare when we married but I didn’t really anticipate it affecting us much as they were young adults. DH is not up yet today (his first day off in about 3 weeks) so I’m not sure what he’s thinking but I have a horrible feeling he will find the money from somewhere and that it is going to have a knock on effect on our relationship.
For those who have asked, DSD has not approached DH about these problems, DSD’s mum phoned him, whether DSD knows about it or not is another matter, her mum says not but her mum has a very long track record of lying and manipulating. Wedding is in about 6 weeks!

So, the bride and from have booked a wedding they can’t afford. The bride’s mum can’t give any more money and won’t even tell her partner there is a problem. The bride’s dad can’t afford to help, but you are expected to hand over the money you’ve saved to enable you to get your sight back??

This is ridiculous-put a stop to this entitled belief that your saving is there to get them out of a self created hole!

Your eyesight trumps feeding people that will only moan about the chicken being dry.

Hi,
You have been put in a terrible position because you would like to help but you can’t afford it. You really can’t and you need to say so. Having a small amount of money for a vital operation does not mean you can afford this.

As suggested by a previous poster I very much doubt 3k (plus the previous 2) will actually be enough from the sounds of the wedding. So you would likely be asked again to throw more good money after bad. I wouldn’t lend her the money with an arrangement to pay you back later because she has no reasonable means of paying you back and you can’t afford to give it. If she promises to pay you back it will cause upset and resentment when she doesn’t ...and then goes on holiday/out for a meal etc etc. She has champagne tastes on a lemonade budget unfortunately.

The best thing you and your husband could do for her is tell her that you can’t give her that money but you will try and help her in a practical way to make ends meet if she will sit down with you and let you look at all the arrangements.

Make a spreadsheet and see what has been spent and what needs paying for - what can be cancelled (wedding car/photographer?). Ask anyone with a half decent car to drive her - my husband drove us to our registry office wedding in our Kia Picanto so it won’t be hard to do better than that! Ask anyone that has a decent camera or likes taking pics if they wouldn’t mind taking the photos. I did and have loads of lovely ones.

I think you will find she needs much more than 3k to cover everything but what you might be able to do is cancel a lot of it and rearrange to a much more modest party with buffet (perhaps £6 a head rather than £60) and when she realises that she still can’t cover the costs of the downsized wedding perhaps you will be able to help her out but by then it should be less than 1K to cover everything. (Start from a standpoint of can’t help financially and by then she should actually be very grateful for the 1k). I would make it a gift not a loan though as they don’t sound like they have any money so it’s easier not to try to get blood out of a stone.

Good luck!

RighteousSista, their wedding invites include a crap poem asking for cash wedding presents towards a honeymoon. The more I think about it the more annoyed I feel!
Gingersausage, I certainly wouldn’t bail my children out for a wedding they can’t afford. I have two adult ds, they are both financially competent, much more than I’ve ever been if I’m honest, in fact I’ve learned a lot from them in recent years!

"Wedding is in about 6 weeks!"

Won't they only lose deposits then?

Which presumably they have already paid?

I would be honest with DH and tell him you are concerned he’ll find some money somewhere. It really makes no sense to give them any more money. Maybe he could sit down with the bride and talk through the budget and exactly what they have spent and what their financial obligations are. Where has the 2k gone for example? It would set a terrible precedent that a drama/crisis erupts and everyone comes to you to bail them out. The couple are grown adults and parents. They are not earning enough money for what they planning and they need to face that now. They still have six weeks so changes can be made.

@4dogs you must have a very open and honest discussion with your DH today otherwise this will fester. You have already said that if he caves in and finds the money then it will affect your relationship. You need to state your feelings very clearly. For what it's worth I also think that as DSD hasn't approached you herself then to leave it until she does. She needs to start accepting responsibility and will never do so if everyone keeps rescuing her from her poor decision making.

I really feel for you

SunniDay great post.

She needs to grow up and sort out her own mess. If your DH pays up, he's just enabling her.

Of course you should not pay for a wedding .
He father needs to stop tip toeing around her, sit her down and tell her to get a grip on her finances, and stop spending money she doesn't have whilst claiming benefits.
He is not being a good father.

State your viewfirmly then step out of it op.

Cyberworrier I keep my dd well away from both DSD as they in no way are good role models imo. They are very into appearance over substance, both have had children very young with quite unpleasant men, and they are not the sort of women I want dd to emulate. I know how judgy that sounds! I don’t see much of either of them, their behaviour over the past 3 years or so has been horrendous imo so I avoid. DH only really hears from them when they want something but he adores them. I don’t know how they’ve turned out like this, DH has always been a very hard worker and provider, never got into debt, if more was needed he always worked more hours.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin, that’s exactly how I feel, DH and his ex enable the behaviour! I have a horrible feeling DH and I will fall out over this.

diddl I assume that they will lose whatever they have paid out. I still think that’s preferable to adding in another £3k for a farce of a wedding that they can’t afford.

Another one saying no way.

If it was something they needed, and they were trying their best, that would be different.

It's something she wants, and her fiance cant be bothered to work to pay for it, so they expect you to pay for it instead even though you've already given 1k

If the 1k already came from your savings I'd be discussing with my husband that I really wouldn't want him to give her the money either. He cant put his business in jeopardy for something so pointless

Could you offer to sit down and see where they can cut costs? If its 6 weeks away there is probably something they can still cancel or swap

You need that money for your eyes! Don’t give it to her!

Her and her husband are stupid sausages and they will have to sort this out themselves.