AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

[4dogs]

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

It's a simple no.

And tbh dad should've pointed out the controlling abusive nature of the relationship and what a lazy bloke before now.

If you are living on benefits you simply cannot afford a lavish wedding.

My partner and I work full-time we receive tax credits and our childcare bill is huge. We just got married 4 for £700. the reason it was higher than the statutory wedding fees was because friends and family wanted to celebrate with us and we had a meal and nicer clothes to wear. Friends threw a party at a local sports club a couple of days later.

That's because they wanted to celebrate with us and love us. We waited years to marriage due to costs.

Your DSD and boyfriend needs to learn to cut their cloth accordingly. Her mother clearly hasn't if she's begging for loans at this late stage. Her dad hasn't given her financial competence training either.

DSD’s mum does not like groom but they all spend a lot of time together (mostly drinking and lazing around in a hot tub). It is bonkers. No one expects the marriage to last! When DH and I married we had registry office and little party in our garden.

That’s so tough on you OP. Obviously you shouldn’t give her your savings but I can see why you feel like you do.

Weddings can be extortionate, but from my experience, the venues don’t tend to surprise you with these amounts, DSD must have known how much it was going to cost, I would want to know how it got to this point? I would also worry if I gave her the 3k that something else would come up that needed paying for, such as flowers/photos etc. Before anyone hands her money, I would suggest your DH sits down with her and finds out exactly what is owed. I suspect it’s more than just 3k!!

You are quite right that you shouldn't throw any more money at this wedding. Obviously a wedding costing £5000 would be nicer than one costing £2000 but she needs to live in the real world. Borrowing the money would be a really silly thing to do whoever does the borrowing. The money isn't there and there isn't a magic money tree.

You are 100% correct that you need to ensure that whatever you do for this daughter you can also do for each of your other kids. Even DH taking the money out of his business would be an unsustainable solution as he simply couldn't do this for each child without bankrupting himself.

Have I read this right: it's not actually DSD who has asked, it's the ex asking on her behalf? For that alone the answer is 'no'.

If you are insane enough to give some money then pay it directly to the hotel or whatever, don't give it to DSD to mismanage.

Her husband to be is a lazy git, his family all plan to go to the wedding but won’t/can’t pay a penny towards it apparently. Grooms family sound sensible to be fair!!

Has the bride asked you for the money? Does she know that you giving her money would mean you remain blind in one eye for longer?

There's no way I would do this, they needs to learn how to live within their means. From what you've said I'm wondering if they knew they couldn't afford it and was expecting other people to pay for it all along.

Is the BF father to the 3 year old? If not I would try to encourage her to cancel as BF sounds a waste of space and it looks like there could be years of borrowing money.
If he is and they will probably stay together I would insist on a proper conversation with all of the family including the ones it is a secret from to see how the 3,000 can be found with everyone contributing. Giving secret money to one daughter over the other bodes future rows and fall outs. Letting DSD save face by secretly giving her money is not a good idea as she is less likely to repay it.

LadyRannaldini im not sure why you quoted my post. I was replying to those who said cancel the wedding and suppliers to save money, which is far too late.

Ive also said OP should pay nothing, that they would never get money back, and the dsd and df need to get a loan or CC to cover it. Not that OP and her DH should pay. If the DH does anything he should help dsd research loans.

FossiPajuZeka

Not necessarily. My cheap wedding has been remarked on being one of the happiest most relaxed loveliest weddings people have seen. Money doesn't equal a good time!

Friend did my hair and make-up which was lovely time together. I did the bridesmaids flowers and another friend help me finish them on the day whilst taking some lovely photos of us.

If DSD wider family all wanted her to be married maybe they'd have pulled together to make sure she had a lovely wedding that the couple could afford. Except she's gone around with a blank cheque but she has absolutely no ability to fulfil.

her mum can’t come up with the money but says she will pay DH back half (£1500) a bit a week. She is engaged to someone who seems to have money but told DH she can’t tell him about this because he will be cross and doesn’t like the groom to be.

Therefore your DH can tell her you'll be cross and you (and he) don't like the groom to be either. This cuts both ways, remember.

DH’s ex has not told her live in partner that DD needs all this extra money and plans to keep it secret from him and other DD!

But she expects you to pay?!

When is the wedding? Presumably soon if she’s had the hen night?

I think you need to be 100% honest with your husband OP. He needs to know what a mistake he's making, how wrong he is to try to emotionally blackmail you and how you will be a) pissed off as the business is joint if he uses money and how he alone will pay it back and b) you will lose respect for him.

The most sensible option would be for couple to discuss delaying wedding with suppliers until THEY can afford it.

Plus, you came up with the £1k you and your husband provided previously - he should not be pressurising you into contributing more, especially given the fact you need eye surgery.

It would be madness to give her the money. Especially as the relationship sounds disastrous anyway.

Then you will be knitting out a nursery because if you don’t a baby will be living in bad conditions and won’t have a safe place to sleep.

Then a deposit on a flat or a car or whatever.

She can’t afford the wedding her Mam can’t afford the wedding and you can’t afford the wedding. That’s all there is to it.

Everyone saying dsd needs to do a cheaper wedding. At this late stage she probably cant.

Withe venues especially you sign a contract when you pay the deposit saying the minimun amount you will pay.

Up to this point she has just been paying deposits and now all the final balances are due.

That said, i don't think you should give her money. She needs ti sort herself out and get a loan or something and sort it out after.

Not a lot she can do if all the wedding suppliers are demanding their money

A lot of CCGs are rationing cataract surgery in many cases going against clinical guidelines. Unfortunately many people now whose lives are seriously affected by cataracts are having to pay for the surgery whereas a few years ago, their local CCG might have given them the surgery.
Now cataract surgery on the NHS in certain CCGs is rarer than rocking horse shit. Postcode lottery.

I would be clear your DH (which I think you have been):

• you can't afford to bail her out.
• she needs to learn this lesson and both her and her fiance haven't shown any inclination for earning this money
• this will not be the end of the requests
• if you can't afford to give 4k (3k +1k youve ready given) to all the children, then it would not be fair.

Ultimately, you are totally not unreasonable. Do you think that your DH would go behind your back to get the money?

God where to start. This is madness - don’t pay a penny. She had no right and no sense spending that money on the wedding in the first place given her financial situation.

Having read your various updates I think your priority should be your own health - go and get your op booked before you're guilt tripped into handing over your savings.

The whole thing sounds like a complete disaster waiting to happen - with any money being handed over being completely wasted.

If it was your own child you'd probably be a lot more forthright in your responses rather than pussyfooting around DSD because you don't want to upset her.

Good luck, I really do hope it all gets sorted out.

Then cancel the weddings and let the suppliers decide whether they want to go to small claims court. An unfortunate budgeting lesson for DSD.

lazypuppy you may well be right, but if DSD approached venue herself, they may be willing to renegotiate price, perhaps go for a cheaper food menu, have balloons instead of flowers, have fewer guests...it all depends how far away wedding is and how generous the venue are feeing.
Ultimately it’s for DSD to figure out!

I think the first think that needs to happen is an INTERVENTION with the bride-to-be about what a terrible mistake everyone thinks she is making if she marries this guy. This farcical wedding is symptomatic of the horror that is their relationship. Her mother doesn’t expect it to last, no one does, and his family won’t contribute a penny (with good reason, clearly).

Dh is worried about what will happen if you don’t stump up the cash.

Could you explain to dh that if you do pay up, all you are doing is delaying the problem, because there will be something else she will need money for. And then you won’t be able to help. And that could be a more serious situation. ( medical perhaps!)

So the root of the problem, wanting more than they can afford and ignoring risks of over spending , need to be tackled. Firmly.

You’re doing the right thing by not lending your savings. It’s a shame your husband won’t talk to his daughter about the unsuitability of the groom and the unaffordability of the wedding, even if it would cause a rift. FFS she is only 22, I know some 22s are very mature and ready to settle down (anocdotally, not from real life!), but this one works part time on a low paid job and is marrying an unpleasant problem drinker and thinks somehow the universe (family) owe them a fairytale wedding? I just find it gobsmacking, the sense of entitlement.
Sorry OP, you sound sensible. I’m just outraged on your behalf- and also wary on your behalf of the influence of such people behaving like this and your DH going along with it on your own young daughter.