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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

498 replies

4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:02

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

OP posts:
gubbsywubbsy · 20/07/2019 07:21

Her her to find out how much it is to cancel the whole thing . She sounds awful and needs to learn the value of money ASAP !

PancakeAndKeith · 20/07/2019 07:22

She needs to get a 0% credit card or loan.

No she doesn’t. She needs to either not get married or have a wedding she can afford.

Whatisinaname1 · 20/07/2019 07:23

You'll never get the money back. They are plying you both for fools they both need to learn not to spend what they don't have bail her out now, you'll lose the money and be doing it forever.

If dh wants to do something, he can research good loans and credit cards for her

JingsMahBucket · 20/07/2019 07:25

Don’t be emotionally blackmailed by these irresponsible people. Keep your money for yourself. She can deal with the loan sharks by going to the police.

Awrite · 20/07/2019 07:25

At first, I thought - give her the money. However, everyone else's posts plus your updates have convinced me that you shouldn't.

If you capitulate it will happen again. You are being coerced/blackmailed.

Get your op. I take it there's a long waiting time on the NHS?

Whatisinaname1 · 20/07/2019 07:25

Its far too late for cancelling things. She's a month away so will be liable to pay the full price for venue, photographer, florist ect.

PancakeAndKeith · 20/07/2019 07:25

It’s not your, or his problem.
If she ends up getting a high interest loan, which given that no one is in work is all she is likely to get, then that is her problem.

Talk to her and make it clear that you won’t be helping her.

YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 20/07/2019 07:26

No way would I pay any more towards this wedding- you can’t actually afford it for a start, not really if you can’t afford to treat all the children the same.

In your shoes I’d resent spending even the £1k you’ve already given them seeing as their impending marriage sounds like a car crash in the making. The groom isn’t even working and has seriously limited his earning potential getting banned for drink driving.

HellYeah90s · 20/07/2019 07:27

Do not give them the money.

A wedding is a luxury, eye surgery isn't!

Myriade · 20/07/2019 07:28

Please don’t spend that money on your dad and spend it on having your operation done.
It’s NOT self indulgence to have such an operation done if you are blind from that eye!! (I do wonder why the NHS isn’t doing it too Angry on your behalf)

Myriade · 20/07/2019 07:29

Sorry should be dsd not dad....

Westfacing · 20/07/2019 07:31

I agree with the other posters - you need to be firm and say no. From what you say the 2.5K is all you have and even if you weren't planning to spend it on your operation, why should you give away every penny you have?

The mother's reluctance to guarantee a loan says it all, as she knows the daughter is most likely to default.

Original poster
4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:31

Thanks everyone. Re catatact, where I live in UK you can only be referred for waiting list when sight is so bad you can’t drive even with corrective lenses, I have one functioning eye so don’t qualify!
I’m not sure if DSD knows her mum phoned my DH to beg him for money for the wedding. I don’t know what the contract is with the hotel, presumably if she can’t pay wedding will be cancelled by them and they may come after her for more money. Lending her the money would be a joke, it would never be repaid. Her husband to be is a lazy git, his family all plan to go to the wedding but won’t/can’t pay a penny towards it apparently.
I agree it would set a precedent if we gave her this money. DH does not currently have savings as he has put every penny into new business. DH did not ask me for money, said he would borrow/take out of business but my view is it’s all ‘our’ money and would be better if we used the money we have which happens to be mine/ours.
DH adores his DDs and would do anything for them, they don’t have a lot to do with him unless they want something.
Why do people want wedding days they can’t afford?! Bloody ridiculous imo, it’s the marriage that matters, not one day!

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 20/07/2019 07:31

Please don't use your vital cataract savings for her wedding.

If you give her any money now, you will never see it again. Nor should you guarantee a loan, as you will certainly end up paying for that too. She (and her feckless fiancee) have to learn that daddy isn't a money tree and that things in life have to be paid for. She should cancel what she can now and borrow the rest from a CC or bank until she can repay someone who WILL expect to be repaid.

Apolloanddaphne · 20/07/2019 07:31

Don't give them the money. If they can't afford it they can cancel and maybe that will be a good thing all round.

blackcat86 · 20/07/2019 07:31

They have clearly put together an unaffordable wedding and will need a wakeup call at some point especially if no one around is willing to say anything. Have your eye surgery - vision is more important than an over indulgent wedding. The attitude towards DSD is doing her no favours.

LizzieSiddal · 20/07/2019 07:32

Your DH needs to stop facilitating this.
Its is lunacy to give her this money incase “she goes to a dangerous loan shark”. He could give her the 3K then what happens the next time she “needs” something- a new pram, a new bed, a holiday? She’ll go straight out and get another loan.

It’s her parents job to make her face reality and if they can’t then they’ve done their best and she has to face the consequences.

LemonSqueezy0 · 20/07/2019 07:33

If you give them money, do not expect to get it back. In fact, expect them to come to you for further handouts in the future.

To those PP saying get a loan, that way you'll only be liable if they default.... Are you serious?! Clearly they will default.within a month.. I can tell that from the OP, let alone the horrific update. They haven't got the money. They didn't save the money. They won't pay the money.

Let them sort themselves out OP. They are adults, living independently. They aren't in a pinch, this is entirely of their own making, please don't be blackmailed into it.

F2Feee · 20/07/2019 07:33

Yanbu your surgery is more important than the party she wants to throw.
If she cant afford it then she needs to downscale. But the pair of them sound like lost causes anyway. Shes 22, with a 3yo, not a good steady job and she wants a fancy do. You can tell the type she is.

CrunchTime0 · 20/07/2019 07:33

I wouldn’t lend it no.

Your eye operation is more important!

makingmammaries · 20/07/2019 07:33

Your young DD deserves to have her mother in the best possible health. Have your operation. You gave 1K already. DSD has to learn to budget. Otherwise, the financial demands will not end here.

Innersmellbow · 20/07/2019 07:35

My mum gave me and my older brother £1000 for our weddings which was a lovely gesture and much appreciated.

She gave £10,000 to her favourite - my youngest brother for his which was spent on a flash honeymoon. People are allowed to do what they want of course but I never felt the same about him or her after that. Oh judgemental me. Envy

tempester28 · 20/07/2019 07:36

You cataract operation should take priority.

If they won't lose money already paid they should postpone.

speakout · 20/07/2019 07:37

Why do you have to pay for a cataract operation OP ? Are you in the UK?

Don't give the money btw!

speakout · 20/07/2019 07:37

Sorry missed the update!