Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think we shouldn’t bail out DSD re wedding?

498 replies

4dogs · 20/07/2019 07:02

DSD is getting married in about a month. She has booked a quite fancy hotel, I think it’s £60 per person, not sure how many she’s invited but quite a lot I think. I had wondered how she could afford it, she has a ds (3), works pt as a cleaner and her bf worked pt as a window cleaner but recently lost his job due to not bothering to turn up. Earlier this year we gave DSD £1k towards wedding and I believe her mother gave the same.

Last night DH’s ex called very upset to say DSD is very stressed, hasn’t the money to pay for it all, needs about £3k and had asked her mum to guarantee a loan, mum said no as wouldn’t be able to pay if DD defaulted. Ex is begging DH to come up with £3k, says it’s their responsibility and she will pay him back half at a few £ a week. DH is worried if she can’t get the money through a mainstream route DSD will end up borrowing from dangerous loan shark types and it will all end in violence.

We probably could scrape the £ together. I have £2.5k which I was maybe going to use for a cataract operation I need. However I feel if we do this then we will need to come up with the same amount of money for each of his other 2 dd’s should they get married and we wouldn’t be able to guarantee we’d be able to get hold of that amount of money again.

AIBU to think DSD should postpone wedding and have a ceremony that she can afford? DH and I got married 4 years’ ago, very low key and didn’t spend a lot, my DS got married last month, again had low key wedding in line with what he could afford.

DH and I are not well off. He started a business earlier this year which is going well but every penny earned is reinvested into equipment for business at the moment. He draws a very small wage and we live off that and my P/T earnings. I have a DD who starts secondary school in September so that’s a big expense looming plus I am
blind in one eye due to cataract and have been wanting to get it fixed but also reluctant to spend £2.5k on myself in case I need it for an emergency.

Should I help DH financially with this or should DSD make more realistic and affordable plans?

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 23/07/2019 14:42

DH has said no. Hotel have asked dsd to go to meeting about the outstanding balance
I'm glad he said no.
DSD is pulling a very sly, lowdown stunt by trying to emotionally blackmail others into financing her.
This is not a one-off. She had this attitude and was living off 'others' money long before the bf came along.
She needs to be forced to face the consequences of her decisions and be left with the responsibility of dealing with them.
Bailing her out doesn't help her.

says fiancee doesn’t work as they’re worse off when he does
Yet plenty of 'others', who's money she feels entitled to, manage this!

I just think they have been very stupid and unrealistic and have buried their heads in the sand by letting it go on this long
No, their attitude is "i have a right to live as i please at the expense of 'others'"
Neither of them believe that providing for themselves and their lifestyle is their responsibility.

They know how to play the system to finance them.
Debts - with no assets/savings the worst that will happen is they will default and damage their credit rating, so at some point they won't even be able to take out loans.
IF their benefits are affected it will be the bare minimum per month to pay it back.

Maybe that's when reality will hit?
Maybe that's when the bf fucks off to find a new gravy train....

Cerseilannisterinthesnow · 23/07/2019 15:03

Out of interest, you say she has her dress how much was that? Seems silly paying for that with no wedding to wear it go

Foslady · 23/07/2019 15:13

Well I guess she’ll have saved £120 on yours and dh’s Meals seeing as I expect you are now the worst people in the world for ruining her fairytale.......

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/07/2019 16:14

I suspect she's banging on about a loan as her last ditch attempt at getting the cash from Daddy.

Exactly

And it's not as if she has to take out a loan, because she doesn't have to get married especially not to a loser like this

Where's Jeremy Kyle when you need him? Hmm

colbyandmontysmum · 23/07/2019 16:16

@TanMateix

Is the interest supposed to be 1333% or 13.33%?

Original poster
4dogs · 23/07/2019 16:18

They have no hope of getting a loan, they tried for one with a guarantor but couldn’t find a guarantor. I really don’t think even the dodgiest loan shark would lend them £3k cos they will never get their money back.

OP posts:
TanMateix · 23/07/2019 17:01

@colbyandmontysmum, yes, that is correct 1333% APR if you want no questions and have no one to act as a guarantor.

13.33% will be a cheap loan compared with the average credit card Apr. But I suppose that if she is working 3 jobs, he is on the dole, she would only be able to get a payday loan with a stupidly high interest rate.

TanMateix · 23/07/2019 17:04

Well, that’s a relief 4dogs, at least she cannot make things much worse (I hope)

I’m feeling a bit sorry for her carrying all the responsibility of this debt/wedding herself but hope that makes her realise how difficult it would be to be married to someone who doesn’t pull his weight.

Ellmau · 23/07/2019 20:00

It's even worse than I expected. They spent money on hen nights, hot tubs etc etc knowing they hadn't paid for the wedding?

Hopefully this will be a wakeup call for DSD.

Malyshek · 23/07/2019 20:15

I think dsd will blame everybody else for this mess, though she and her fiancée are the only ones to blame.

AquaPris · 23/07/2019 20:18

Her wedding does not outweigh your SIGHT. Have the operation. Tell her to downsize sheets being silly. A PT cleaner and an unemployed man should be down the registry and then entertaining cheaply. Ridiculous.

Hotterthanahotthing · 23/07/2019 22:50

Is all this money in her name or in both their names?Just a thought.

katewhinesalot · 24/07/2019 09:22

Good point. Are they jointly responsible for paying for this wedding or will she be left with the debt when the fiance buggers off?

MaybeDoctor · 24/07/2019 09:31

@MyCatHatesEverybody
Smile I was joking about the office weddings, as I can be a bit of a pushover.
But perhaps making a small point about how easy it is for other people to get caught up in making dreams come true, when the couple themselves need to think realistically about the kind of wedding they can afford.

wink1970 · 24/07/2019 10:22

OP, when this is all done and over with you need to talk to your DH. What stands out for me most in all of your posts is your conviction that it would be the (beginning of the) end of your marriage if he bails her out.

That's quite a big jump!

You both need to address problems head-on together I agree, but given the emotional blackmail he has been subjected to, I'm finding it odd that you are thinking about dumping him for his actions, before he's even done anything 'wrong'. And I put 'wrong' in that was as there's no way he should be giving DSD money but we all know how hard it is to resist emotional blackmail of this magnitude.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/07/2019 12:43

Hope you're okay, @4dogs ... I believe you said DH was meeting DSD last night, so I also hope he didn't fold Flowers

Lunde · 24/07/2019 13:17

wink1970 - OP, when this is all done and over with you need to talk to your DH. What stands out for me most in all of your posts is your conviction that it would be the (beginning of the) end of your marriage if he bails her out. That's quite a big jump!

I think that this is because OP's DH does not have the money to bail out dsd. He was talking about taking out a loan to bail out dsd - which impacts on their already stressed joint finances. The only savings available is the money that OP has saved for her eye surgery - which impacts severely on OP's health!

Foslady · 24/07/2019 13:28

And also no loan was offered for the eye operation

FinallyHere · 24/07/2019 14:19

I really don't see it as such a large leap to be considering whether the relationship can continue, in the situation OP describes.

There is a pattern established for 'DH' or partner to give in to emotional blackmail from DSD, who feels guilty for the break up of his relationship with his DD's mother. This time, the ask is not affordable unless it is at the expense of money earmarked for OP's eye operation.

There are no DC in common to take into consideration, I would see every reason to consider the viability of the relationship.

We might 'all know how difficult it is, not to give into emotional blackmail'. We also know that it is sometimes, maybe even often essential for good parenting, to not give in.

Doing so at the direct expense of the new relationship would surely put that relationship at risk.

PooWillyBumBum · 29/07/2019 13:46

Any news @4dogs ?

Lunde · 29/07/2019 23:52

How is it going @4dogs? Is the wedding cancelled or are they still trying to go ahead?

KenAdams · 30/07/2019 21:32

Also just checking in for an update

New posts on this thread. Refresh page