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Please make me feel better with your farty stories

(381 Posts)
taxiforme Wed 20-Feb-19 00:31:13

Did a giant trumple right in the face of my lovely young man chiropractor.. damn you salad lunch.
Make me feel better with your farty stories...I can't face him again.

Serenity45 Wed 20-Feb-19 00:45:56

I'm pretty good at controlling them in public but did let a sneaky quiet one out in a pub a few years colleagues started commenting on the smell of drains which I joined in

Fairly regularly get called variations of 'farticus' and 'pumpypants' by DH at home blush

CeeCee58 Wed 20-Feb-19 01:20:10

Oh no OP. I’m sure it wasn’t as bad as you think it was! blush

I went through a stage with a back injury where I literally couldn’t control my farts. The number of times I blamed the floorboards! People are surprisingly polite!

Gilead Wed 20-Feb-19 01:31:46

I have ibd and can fart the whole length of a supermarket aisle, loudly. I used to cry, now I just pray I don’t have an accident!

Thisisthelaststraw Wed 20-Feb-19 01:35:15

I farted in the middle of an internal exam with a doctor and nurse present. I just said ‘sorry but that was really your fault not mine’ and we all laughed. Fuck it, it’s not like we don’t all do it grin

HellsBellsAndBatteredBananas Wed 20-Feb-19 02:01:17

I once had the last appointment at a ladies clinic, right as it overlapped to the man's clinic. So I was the last smear appointment of the day at 7pm....I had to collect a script from the office that didn't reopen until 7.15 so I sat down in a waiting room full of men, did not think anything of it. All of a sudden as I shifted in my seat I let rip a cracking fanny fart that vibrated won the plastic chair and through the metal legs into the lino. To this day I blame the speculum that stretched me open. Every body in the room stared at me, I was gutted and hid behind a leaflet. a leaflet for STD's.

Zfactorstar Wed 20-Feb-19 03:21:16

I was at work in a restaurant with my coworker when I let out a silent but very deadly fart. It was only the two of us so no chance of deflecting the blame. Suddenly my coworker noticed but for some reason thought it was the gas line at work and started to try to find the source of the gas leak, not knowing it was my ass. I ended up going along with looking for the leak instead of fessing up blush

Zfactorstar Wed 20-Feb-19 03:35:07

Also OP, I worked as a massage therapist for a spell. I got farted on several times. It's just part of the job.

NoArmaniNoPunani Wed 20-Feb-19 03:38:00

I sharted during sex with an ex. He turned out to be a dick so I'm kind of glad

vinegarqueen Wed 20-Feb-19 03:41:18

Farted (loud AND deadly) whilst invigilating an exam. They all knew it was me, but they weren't allowed to speak - bwahahahahaha!!

steff13 Wed 20-Feb-19 03:42:20

a leaflet for STD's.

This made me laugh out loud.

Myfoolishboatisleaning Wed 20-Feb-19 05:01:22

Salad makes you fart? Salad? Blimey OP don’t eat beans and that.

AlmostAJillSandwich Wed 20-Feb-19 05:04:36

Admittedly i was a LOT younger, but to get my sister back for something one day i noticed her sitting on the sofa, looking in the other direction. I decided to run, jump in the air and stick my bum in her face whilst laughing hysterically, and accidentally farted very loudly in the process, in her face. It was this moment only did i spot, behind the partition wall i ran around, my aunt sitting in the chair beside my sister, with a very shocked look on her face. Didn't know whe had a visitor.

Sweetpea55 Wed 20-Feb-19 06:36:57

While being very pregnant with DD I had terrible wind problems.
Having a rest one afternoon I popped on some headphones and sat listening to some music, eyes closed and farting like there's no tomorrow. Really long loud satisfying ones. Opened my eyes and there is BIL and new girlfriend who had been sat there for ages and had full force of my farty botty thrust upon them

importantkath Wed 20-Feb-19 06:42:45

Week 3 of Veganuary last year and I had been consuming a lot of lentils. Finally offered a spot at an amazing special needs school for DS 1. Went to have a look around, personal guided tour by what turned out to be a devilishly handsome director of the school. Just him and I. Every other step, I farted. I just couldn't keep it in. His face stayed straight except the corner of his eye kept crinkling up with stifled laughter... shock

Opheliablox Wed 20-Feb-19 06:47:56

These stories have tickled me. A good old laugh to start the day!

Tweedypie Wed 20-Feb-19 06:54:41

Last week I was in a yoga class, we had to roll back and forth on our backs to almost sitting position hold it and roll back....I had a voluminous fart and had to slowly ease it out bit by bit during the rocking for fear it would otherwise just explode out of me at the end. It was a new class and i think I got away with it but haven't been back since. It wasn't very smelly luckily but it made little poot / puff noises as it left me, was hoping I could pass it off as the floorboards!!!

Rolypolybabies Wed 20-Feb-19 06:58:51

I'm a chiropractor. People fart all the time. Especially when you adjust them. Doubt he was bothered

mummmy2017 Wed 20-Feb-19 07:06:10

Let out a silent but deadly one in Poundland,. Had to grab friends arm so we could run away ,.

MyKingdomforaNameChange Wed 20-Feb-19 07:08:19

This will out me...

I was in the pub with newish boyfriend and his mate. We were at the bar, I was sitting on a wooden barstool and the guys were standing next to me chatting.

I thought I could let out a quiet fart. I couldn't. It thundered off the barstool and echoed round the room blush

The guys stopped talking and just looked at me like this shock

All I could manage was "Oops, sorry!"

I was mortified yet giggling at the same time...

KC225 Wed 20-Feb-19 07:12:09

Went into the ladies loo at work and the first cubicle was occupied, so I did the decent thing and went into the last cubicle. The (unknown) woman in the first cubicle let out the most enormous thunderous fart and I am ashamed I burst out laughing. Proper belly laugh. I quickly washed my hands and left, leaving the phantom farter in the cubicle. Never discovered who it was .....

HoraceCope Wed 20-Feb-19 07:13:24

There is a loo at work next to an office, I never use this loo and it was confirmed to me why when having a meeting in the office someone used the loo and farted blush could be heard clear as anything in the office.

BerensteinBear Wed 20-Feb-19 07:18:41

I farted (silently) on an escalator in M&S.
The lady behind me said to her oh 'someone must have let a stink bomb off.'

DH does fray bentos farts, really meaty ones. They stink!

cindersrella Wed 20-Feb-19 07:20:08

I did on the other day after stuffing and cabbage.. my girls were literally gagging in the car (it was real baaad) I blamed it on the drain we were parked over 😂

Gwenhwyfar Wed 20-Feb-19 07:26:32

"Salad makes you fart? Salad?"

Lots of fart-inducing foods in a salad and uncooked food can be harder to digest. Compare raw onions with cooked ones, for example.

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