Please make me feel better with your farty stories

[taxiforme]

Aaagh
Did a giant trumple right in the face of my lovely young man chiropractor.. damn you salad lunch.
Make me feel better with your farty stories...I can't face him again.

I did a huge fart in the face of the poor midwife stitching me up after giving birth to my son. I could feel it coming and had no power to stop it! I did stop taking gas and air long enough to shout 'I'm so sorry, but I'm going to fart' before it happened. Mortifying, and my partner still thinks it's hilarious!

Absolutely crying at this thread! DS has just wombled over to me to check I'm ok, then face palmed when I explained what I was reading. He's 2

Not the same but I once fanny farted extremely loudly in a yoga class. I cannot tell you how loud it was.

No one laughed.

Accidentally popped out a loud fart whilst walking down a quiet street in Dublin. Thought we were the only people around. Realised there was some poor chap behind us.

I can fart like an old horse. Peppermint tea works wonders.

At work we have a toilet directly off the main office. Thin walls too. When I went for a wee last week (really struggling with early pregnancy bloat and wind) the loudest, most musical fart came out of my arse, entirely taking me by surprise. I knew that everyone would have heard it which made me laugh, but when I came out they were all in absolute stitches, apparently the fart was funny, but what tickled them was that they could then all hear me giggling to myself about my parpy bum.

I once went bowling with my kids and their grandma (my mum). I’d been put on laxatives for chronic constipation and they were like a tin of tiny beads which you just swallowed with water. The farts they produced where toxic, like nothing else in the world.
So at bowling I farted. It was loud in there so the sound was drowned but oh my god the smell must have infiltrated the entire building. My mum was taking a sip of water at the time and suddenly screwed up her face, choked slightly and said “oh! What is that horrible smell!?” The kids then shoved their faces in their jumpers and started gagging. There was a party of young blokes in the aisle next to us and one shouting “fucking hell, what’s that stink?”. Another bloke said “someone has farted, fucking rank” to which the first bloke said “that isn’t a fart, it smells like the drains? If it doesn’t go away soon I’m going to have to tell the staff”. Everyone was looking around them wondering where it had come from. Nobody believed it was simply a fart.

Then to top it off, as we were leaving my mum said “wasn’t that stink horrible? If it was a fart it was a blokes fart, it had to have been”

It was years later when I told her the truth.

My son stank as a newborn.
We were in a lift with a couple of elderly ladies one day and he let rip while he was in the sling.
Cue me giggling and desperately trying to tell people that it was the baby... No one believed me!!

I was teaching a class of 8 yr olds. Silent classroom, all busy writing away and I leaned over to help a child and a fart popped right out! Absolutely no way of holding it in-totally took us all by surprise! I stood up straight, cleared my throat and wiggled my foot and said 'squeaky shoe'!!!!! Could not think of what else to possibly say in that moment!

My friend and I were in a HOT sauna. She started splashing me with cold water from the tap and as I tensed up and screamed I let rip a huge fart. We got the hell out of there before the smell hit us.

I am also prone to either needing to go to the toilet or fart every time I go to the supermarket. If it's the latter, I'll find a nice quiet aisle and do a dump-and-dash. There have been times when I've watched on in horror as a poor unsuspecting shopper has rounded a corner and strolled leisurely into my fart cloud, but we don't talk about that.

Also google and read The Fart that (Almost) Altered my Destiny. You won't regret it.

oh good god I am sat at my desk supposedly working whilst stifling snorts and crying laughing - this is one of the funniest threads ever..

WITH A QUESTION MARK AT THE END!! Oh god!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just remembering my dad had terrible loud farts. DM used to shout at him 'You'll rip your arsehole to shreds ' It sounded like someone ripping sheets to pieces

I'm trying to stifle my laughter here, but the jig is up because the question mark fart and the squeaky shoe fart have genuinely made me laugh out loud.

This is extremely outing, but I used to have this incredibly hot personal trainer. One session involved a million different variations of burpees and, naturally, the loudest, most unexpected fart of my life just tore out of my arse when I was mid-way through the first set. It was so loud that I actually got a fright and squeaked in shock. I got up from my prone position on the floor praying to all the deities that he hadnt heard, only to find the PT bent absolutely double, I hope with laughter, but who knows.

The mortification will haunt me until my dying day. Fucking burpees.

When you have Ibs, you loose count of all the embarrassing times and places you fart. Windeeze is my new best friend

I remember standing cooking breakfast with a nightie on, let out a fart which then landed on the floor

DD’s bum used to be legendary. She discovered she could fart on demand when she was about four and announced one day that she was going to have a FAHTIN’ contest.
With herself.
She won with a tally of 19 consecutive FAHTS!!!

I can't stop laughing, this must be the best thing I have ever read on mumsnet I don't have any stories to add but I do fart a lot

DH crop drusted in ASDA this last weekend, warned me to move pre-waft just as some poor woman walked around the corner straight into it. Ex (DS dad) was also a prolific crop duster, we were in a lift when he did it once, I managed to miss it but I heard the person who walked straight in after go 'OH MY GOD I'm chewing shit!!' (might be sniggering at my desk writing this as the memory is still as hilarious as it was 9 yrs ago and is still regularly brought up between us)

I'm a bit of fart-phobic, I find them immaturely hilarious to hear but instant gag if I smell them - DC's included - of course, my closest friends between them have coeliac, IBS, lactose intolerance and are unabashed sadists, so you can imagine their joy at farting near me on nights out, which have before made me throw up on the spot. One of these I went to school with, we had to sit next to each other most lessons and she would purposely fart then blame me as loud as possible.

Ok I have one, after having a c section I went down hill with aspiration pneumonia i was recovering and moved back from itu to the delivery suite. Just before the move they gave me two senakot tablets. High on pain relief oxygen mask on face, a consultant and his 3 students come in. I'm still out of it and let out the worst loudest fast ever. I said I'm so sorry slurring my world's the consultation said no problem perfectly natural I then slurred God that stinks my husband holding the baby puts his head in his hands and starts laughing the students all trying to keep a straight face. Best hospital moment.

Camping with my In-Laws.Tried not to have a poo all weekend as MIL would always come to the toilet block with me (and I was young and embarrassed) Went on a long hike on the Monday and sharted badly and loudly. No one said anything. We just all looked at each other. Luckily we were hiking through the countryside with farms nearby so the smell of my shart wasn't too noticable but it was bloody uncomfortable.

I had just got out of a nice warm relaxing bath and was in the nip. DH was in the room and I said that I felt a little sore patch on my buttock. He said, "bend over and I'll have a look". So, there I am bent over and he is right behind my bum. He says, " you're okay, nothing there".
It is at this point that he decides to gently stroke down my butt cheek with his finger for a giggle. Bad idea. He must have stimulated a nerve or something and I just let fly with an unstoppable column of fart. His face was a picture. I got a "fuck me love, I felt me eyeballs wobble" before he dissolved into a fit of laughter.

Oh I love a farty story. I blew a trombone symphony into the face of my poor midwife as she stitched me up, post delivery. She took ages and my arse was just relentless! My body hit ‘play’ and it was like my arse was performing its own farty version of ‘Ain’t No Stopping Us Now.’ The midwife must have thought ‘I’ve died and gone to heaven! Love my job!” 😂

Another time I had an operation under GA. I adhered to the ‘don’t eat after midnight’ rule but absolutely porked out on curry the night before. So I’m being prepped at 7am and my stomach starts bubbling and arse starts knocking on the door of awareness and I’m thinking ‘Shit! I’m going to be blasting curry farts all over the surgeon!’
So I’m taken into surgery, knocked out for the duration, come to later on in the recovery room and the surgeon and nurse are talking, saying ‘She was a windy one’. Yeah. Very windy!’ And I turn to the nurse and say, “I really heard that. I’m not dreaming that I heard that conversation just now, am I?” And she grabs my hand and says, “Don’t worry love, you’ll never see us again.” Mortifying!

I was in a posh sugar craft shop with my mum once picking out fondant flowers for her wedding cake. Very snooty sales lady was talking to us about prices and we quickly realised we were never going to pay the prices she was saying but to embarrassed to say so we just kept smiling and nodding along when all of a sudden my mum accidently let rip, this little squeak and actually said sorry in her meek voice. The lady paused for the splittest of seconds and carried on talking all the while I could see the grin my mum was trying to battle. I had to bite my lip to stop from laughing. I think it was the the fact that my mum had acknowledged what she'd done! We finally managed to leave the shop and got round the corner before both keeling over laughing. We couldn't move for ages from shaking!

I told that story at my mum's funeral, I know she would've wanted people to laugh 😁

@TheVanguardSix that's hilarious!

I had recently started a new job, and the custom was for my team to go for a pub lunch together on the first Friday after payday. People took it in turns to drive to said pub.

Myself and two others offered a lift by acolleague who drove a BMW coupe which had four seats but only two doors. I was offered a rear seat, the front seat was folded forward and I manoeuvred myself into the back of the car. The act of bending forward unleashed a huge trumpeting fart. Everyone was very polite and British and pretended not to notice but I was dying with embarrassment.