Please make me feel better with your farty stories

[taxiforme]

Aaagh
Did a giant trumple right in the face of my lovely young man chiropractor.. damn you salad lunch.
Make me feel better with your farty stories...I can't face him again.

I work in retail and the number of people who fart in shops is stunning. However, the best one was a little old dear who came in one day and farted with every step, loud and smelly! She never acknowledged this, and it is a tiny shop (260 sq feet). We had to get the air freshener out after she left.

I sneezed and farted walking through a very quiet office!

I just had to leave a tap dancing class once as I was farting with almost every tap!! First time I ever had activia yoghurt - never again!!!

I am crying on the train reading these.

My mum is a champion farter. Once when I was a teenager I had my best friend over after school and we were watching TV in the sitting room. My mum came home from work and as soon as she came through the door she let off a series of long drawn out farts all down the hallway. My friend and I just looked at each other like . From that day on if anyone was in the house when she came in I’d holler out before any damage could be done

one with a question mark at the end I am crying with laughter

Crying at this thread!

This has made my morning.

I had a moment when I was on a bus once, all the passengers were looking at me and I had to realise that just because I was listening to music, it didn't mean the whole bus couldn't hear me farting.

one with a question mark at the end

Sat at my desk in a quiet open plan office wheezing trying to contain my laughter and my eyes are watering. OMG, this is the best description ever. Have also appreciated the word thundered.

We were on holiday and staying in a caravan. DH went to the loo in the night, massive fart but didn't tell me. I got up for a wee and OMG it took the enamel off my teeth!
We still have a "fart scale ", i.e. bad as the caravan fart? Never been beaten.

In the early days of dating now-husband, we were having dinner at his house. I let out a silent fart but it was incredibly smelly and I was mortified when I realised I could smell it. Then-boyfriend got concerned about the drains and I quickly agreed. I've never admitted to him it was my fart.

I have IBS.
I fart over everybody all the time. My arse just doesn't consider my feelings at all. Bastard.

Until I started reading MN I never even knew some people could actually control their farts! Mine just escape with absolutely no prior warning whatsoever.

Worst one was when I was talking to DC Head Teacher after two weeks on Atkins. I let out the worst smelling fart anyone has ever released in the history of womankind. It actually cleared the school hall. Luckily I was holding baby DS and apologised saying I had better change his nappy

It was one with a bit of a question mark noise at the end
This is just brilliant

This is the best thread. My husband and I have both been known to hurry each other because we've just let out an sbd.

Did a huge fart that lasted about 5 seconds when I was drifting off to sleep the first time I ever shared a bed with my ex. I prayed that he was fast asleep and hadn’t heard it but saw him reach over for his glass of water a second later.

I’ve spoken about this on here before.
I was in bed one morning and had a massive sneezing fit. But every time I sneezed I let out a short but violent fart that shot straight up and gave me extreme fanny ripples
Being a grown up I got the giggles, crying snotty, sneezy, farty giggles. That made me need to pee, so I had to do that knee and thigh closed shuffle to the loo, all whilst still sneezing, farting and giggling.
My daughter was not impressed, which only made it funnier.
Apparently it’s called a snart.

Ds had to have an infected mollescum lanced on his arm when younger, as you could see red streaks going up his arm. Little twerp didn't tell me til after we'd got home from the cinema. The doc stuck the needle in to lance it, the pus flew out and ds let out the most horrendous fart

I still tease ds about it 13 years on!!

We had the great Jerusalem artichoke incident. I am well renowned for my noisy guffs but had no idea the effect of these vegetables on me. I happily accepted some from a friend’s allotment harvest and roasted them, delicious. Nothing could have prepared me for the night ahead.
I farted continusly once every five seconds ALL NIGHT. I swear DH was going to smother me with a pillow. Trouble is, despite my tiredness, I still found it funny with every guff, I giggled.
Take heed and never eat this delicious food of the flatulent devil!

I love a good fart story. Nobody’s can be worse than my ‘orgasm fart’ when my husband was going down on me and at the time of...ahem...climax I let out the loudest fart ever. Right in his face. 🤣
He was very gentlemanly about it.

I was dating a guy who drank A LOT of alcohol years ago, I very unwisely would try to keep up with him sometimes, or just be out for hours in places that didn’t have IBS suitable toilets - I have IBS and this was just a bad combination. I once really was struggling not to shit myself and find a suitable (not unsecured) toilet and let out the most smelly silent fart ever, right next to ex. He knew it was me but I tried to pass it off as ‘drains’. He wasn’t buying it. My insides were very relieved when we broke up!

My most recent ex also used to make very unsubtle comments that I farted in my sleep a lot and it made me feel so self conscious I struggled to sleep when he was in the bed

My dp likes to do sbd ones in shops and then wander off, leaving me with the smell. The twat!

@MonoClue better a snart than a shart!

The kids and I call DH's arse Maria Carey - apparently, she has a 5 octave range, so does his arse.

Don't ever try to slyly fart in a swimming pool whilst standing still. As soon as you 'adjust' your bottoms, that gaseous monster will rise from the deep and sweetly pop on the surface whilst engulfing all in close vicinity with a torturous waft of decaying innards, smacking every innocent bystander in the face like a wet month old dead fish - take that as a warning.

It was one with a bit of a question mark noise at the end.

Best description ever!