Please make me feel better with your farty stories

[taxiforme]

Aaagh
Did a giant trumple right in the face of my lovely young man chiropractor.. damn you salad lunch.
Make me feel better with your farty stories...I can't face him again.

PS long-standing poster, not the poo troll.

Most high brow fart story ever:
This Earl of Oxford, making of his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth, happened to let a Fart, at which he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to Travel [for] 7 years. On his return the Queen welcomed him home, and said, 'My Lord, I had forgot the Fart'.

The most embarrassing was as a doctor was just about to to do a rectal check. When I say just I mean finger en route.

The question mark!! And centre parting 😂😂
My childhood best friend used to be disgusting! She used to do really smelly farts into pint glasses and leave them upside down for her dad to pick up 😂
We used to giggle as we’d watch him pick it up and then his face slowly crumple in revulsion as it engulfed him & the realisation- he knew what she was doing and used to shout at her “you disgusting, dirty girl” 😂 she did it all the time!
Same friend also once chased me down the lane with her own shit in her hand. I haven’t spoken to her in years!!

@amusedbush that's genius and I'm crying with laughter again !!

My sister's friend lived in a shared house in London and to 'spare the atmosphere' they would fart into a jar and then quickly stuff on the lid to contain the smell.
They had done this for weeks and her mum came down to stay and decided to tidy up. She opened the jar and was immediately sick as she smelled weeks of condensed farts!

This is hilarious....I've LOLed at most of these.
Only thing is I had been considering whether to book an appointment with a chiropractor....but I'm too scared to now!!

The very first time my husband came to my house, we were sat on the bed chatting and I was desperate for a fart but was holding it in. After what felt like hours it got too much, and I excused myself to the toilet.

Unfortunately I caught my foot in the duvet as I got off the bed, did a comedy fall on to the carpet, and as I hit the floor let out the loudest fart you can imagine.

He thought it was hilarious.

See this cute little thing? I had spent an hour telling 12 year old DS to just for heaven's sake go to the bathroom and clear his guts, because there was a succession of small fart noises with a disproportionately huge stench following over the course of that hour that was making the living room uninhabitable.

He swore he was innocent and went off in a huff to grab a drink. He disturbed the cat on his return, leading her to jump onto my lap. And let out an audible fart on landing. I tried to apologise but he and I were laughing too hard for speech. The cat jumped off my lap again in disgust at our immature reaction.

My digestive system is messed up so farts are common here and DH is used to them.
But even he couldn't get over the fact that he heard my fart when I was upstairs in a room not above living room where he was with a tv on... But when I shout for him to bring bog roll (because as usual I forgot and run out), he can't hear it🤷‍♀️

Once I had a reaction to food and had mum next to me and family on skype. Fart sneaked out. Skype ones were disgusted and I started giggling. With every giggle a new fart came out. I ended up laughing so much I couldn't barely breath in and tried to walk out of the room. It made it even worse. Mum just sat there gobsmacked.

Highheels1 what the hell kind of friends did you keep?!! I was doubled up over the sofa reading your post - so bloody funny.
(Thank you because I am really down at the moment and you've given me my first true laugh in a long time)
This thread is amazing. I'm so glad I stumbled upon it.

If any of you ever feel bad

I never “fart” I sometimes exhale loudly from my lower extremities!!!!! 😂

I have laughed so much reading this thread but the most hilarious by far (apologies I cant remember who posted) was the story ‘the fart that almost altered my destiny’ thank you so much for suggesting that we google it! My dh and I were in hysterics laughing, thankyou God for who ever invented Tena lady!

DH and I very quickly developed a sense of humour over our farting, just as well as 16 years later I have ibs and suffer from chronic constipation- the laxatives I take make me do the loudest and longest farts in history. My dh, dd and ds find it hilarious. Thankfully it’s all noise and no smell mostly - the silent ones are the worst especially at a certain time of the month!

When I was a kid I was horrified at my mums inability to stop farts popping out. Now this is me. I walk and with each step I fart. I stand up and I fart. Reading this thread I’m howling and farting.

Also nominating for classics!

Hilarious!! Reading these have reminded of me the below which is just so funny for those that enjoy a bit of farty wit!

m.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk-5RVMerf

I used to get home from school and fart for like half an hour solidly after holding them in all day.

Me and my 2 sisters had a rare night out recently and stayed in a hotel afterwards, we had 3 single beds and the next morning we all lay there hungover farting away. It made me laugh to think of this compared to how dolled up we looked just 12 hours previously.

highheels your story about your disgusting friend made me actually cry laughing. I know when people say that, I roll my eyes and think well it made me smile a bit but come on, don’t exaggerate.
I was picturing a house with random pint glasses that no one wanted to move. Disgusting girl indeed

Ahh thanks you guys. OP here. Off back to the chiropractor primed with question mark farts.

A while ago I came home from work really late and DP was already in bed. Walking upstairs I started smelling something halfway up...
The door to our bedroom was closed and I could smell it outside and as soon as I opened the door the poor dog shot out like a bat out of hell and legged it downstairs. The air was thick with it I looked at mortified DP (who never farts around me) who was trying to hide behind the covers frantically apologising uttering "I'm so sorry I don't know what's wrong with me I can't stop". The combination of the ascend, ddog being so desperate for air and DPs reaction was hilarious.

I still laugh about the time he nearly gassed the poor dog and for the week after that she stopped trying to sleep in our bedroom 😂 and that's saying something for an animal who loves rolling in fox poo.

My dp was passing me a box up to the attic. I went to store it and when I came back to the stairs I descended through what can only be described as a cesspit fart cloud...

He'd tried to spray to cover it up. Unfortunately said fart was apparently a "warm one" and we all know heat rises... it outran the Oust up the attic stairs.

Can you really store farts in a jam jar...?? what happens if you open the jar near a naked flame?!

My most recent fart sounded like a duck quack.

I was in Ikea once and tested out a leather sofa. Whilst I was sat on it I let out what I thought was going to be a silent fart. It turned out to be a loud one and the sound was magnified by the leather. I tried to blame my then boyfriend but it was too late, all the shoppers eyes were already on my crimson face.

I also did a silent stinker whilst stood chatting to a group of blokes at work once. Everybody looked disgusted and asked who had rotten guts. We all denied it and I tried to cover up by saying that 'if it was me I'd admit to it as I'm not ashamed' but it didn't work. They all knew it was me.

Many times I've tried to cover up by trying to scuff my shoe to make a similar noise.

at trying to hoover up the smell by A previous poster

While pregnant I was anaemic so needed iron supplements. These seriously screw with your stomach so I was horribly constipated.
On the doctors advanced I took lactulose to try and relieve the constipation.

Oh my lord, I could have stripped wallpaper! I’ve NEVER known gas like it I’m surprised my husband didn’t want a divorce, I was utterly rancid.

*doctors advice