Please make me feel better with your farty stories

[taxiforme]

Aaagh
Did a giant trumple right in the face of my lovely young man chiropractor.. damn you salad lunch.
Make me feel better with your farty stories...I can't face him again.

DH and I on a small local train that was having trouble getting out the station and the guard asked us to follow him into the next carriage, I was last out and full of wind and I artfully let out a precision fart in the doorway so the offending smell was left behind us (pun intended).
It worked!
Sad to say two minutes later we had to return to the carriage we had just vacated and as the doors opened you could have cut the air with a knife, it was eye watering and it didn't get any better the further we got into the carriage. Of course no one knew it was me and I pretended to be as disgusted as the next person. My DH started to mutter to me about moving carriages again whilst looking out of the side of his eyes at a lone male sitting near us. I tried to answer him but every time I opened my mouth all I could do was giggle.The lone male eventually moved.

Years ago me and H were on holiday in Zante on a really quiet beach with a few people on and I was standing up shaking sand out my towel when I thought I could sneak what I thought was a quiet little fart out but it wasn't and OMG! H creased laughing and everyone was looking at us disgusted so I tried to make out it was him. When he stopped laughing he said it sounded like the noise giant ships make when they pull into dock. It's still referred to now as "the beach trump"

Farted in an aeroplane and it was horrendous. It was during takeoff so couldn't even go to the toilet to do it. Everyone in the two rows behind and in front were saying "that's fucking disgusting" even my best friend said "who the fuck let's out a fart like that?! Whoever it was needs to go for a shit". Of course I piped up too and said it was disgusting and "I mean for god sake wait until you're in the toilet" . I still haven't told my best friend it was me. It was truly horrific.

I once had appalling wind on a flight to Alicante and spent the whole two and half hours letting off silent but deadly trumps that could probably have curdled milk. I bet the other passengers and crew were cursing me...

I work in a school and of the funniest things that's ever happened to me was when a four year old boy proudly announced during circle time that he'd just farted. I almost wet myself with laughter, made even worse by the stuffy teacher telling him off and that the correct word is 'trump'.

As a teenager, I went to a country pub with my parents. We arrived and parked up alongside a fairly posh-looking middle aged couple. All of us got out of our cars at the same time, but as the woman did so, she let rip a very loud and long-lasting fart, which tapered off with a squeak. Nobody knew what to say, so my Dad decided to break the silence by saying "I'll name that tune in three, love!". I was torn between being mortified and desperately trying not to laugh.....

I went out on a first date in my early twenties and drank too much so while I was being sick outside with him comforting me I let one rip 😞

my Dad decided to break the silence by saying "I'll name that tune in three, love!" - i was laughing before now im crying...

love this thread!

I haven't RTFT but I'm actually belly laughing at these!!!

Also we've always called a sneeze/fart a snart and I'm proper tickled that other people call it that too

My first night with DH, he lifted my legs to manoeuvre me and I accidentally farted, I was so embarrassed I just laughed to hide it but laughing pushed another 2 farts out! 8.5 years later we are still together and fart all the time!

I felt my eyeballs wobble 😂😂😂

Howling at these!

I was very windy when pregnant and let a huge stinker out in my classroom early one morning. Within a second the cleaners walked in! Nearly died! They started investigating the drains

And a confession.. I let out a Real stinker working with the babies one day so loudly proclaimed "someone needs a nappy change!"

This isn't a fart story but it is toilet related.

A long time ago, I was jetlagged from travelling nearly 24 hours. My family met us at the airport to take us home and we stopped somewhere on the way. My mum and I were in the toilet and it was back when automatic flushing was still new and unexpected. We were in adjacent stalls and I was so tired that I was primed to misinterpret the sound the automatic flush made as it began, slowly with a kind of bird like screech. I screamed and jumped up presuming that there was actually a giant bird behind me and I was stumbling over myself trying to get to safety. My mum in the next stall was laughing so hard she couldn't come out, I began laughing with that mild hysteria that comes with being too tired. It took ages to stop laughing over that.

My dad once dropped a sbd in a lift of nuns.

I got up to pee the other morning and it just must have been building up inside and then angle I sat at must have relaxed and released something - a HUGE fart just came out of nowhere. Long, loud and musical. DH commented on its strength when I got back into bed.

@MerryBerryCheesecake fucking hell im in tears hahaha. I had such a shit day but this just made it 😁

You have all totally made my day

Crying at this thread, oh is looking at me like I've gone mad 😂😂

I used to get terrible wind on nights out. The amount of times I'd let one rip in the middle of a pub then immediately say 'eww can you smell that? Which dirty git did that? Come on let's move.'

Reverse psychology of the old she who smelt it dealt it mantra.

Stop it, I'm wheezing.

On the bus, sat very near the back. Quietly break wind. Moments later the bus driver yells 'is someone changing a nappy back there!' Mortified.

Question mark at the end 😂 brilliant, I’m so immature when it comes to farts I think they’re hilarious

The first time DH and I spent the night together... at the worst possible moment

I don’t fart in front of DH if I can help it but there was one night I had a bit of a dodgy stomach and a fart slipped out when we were in bed. One of those silent, slightly warm ones that you just know is going to stink.

Well, the smell was unholy. It was so bad it actually woke DH up. He asked groggily, ‘what the fuck is that?’ and I told him that he had farted. Not only did he believe me, he apologised profusely

@Bumblebee27 I didn't realise quite how many people dropped one on the dance floor till they banned smoking in clubs.

I am laughing so hard I'm crying my MIL is staying the week she must think I'm off my rocker!
My brother used to hold his farts in and let them out as soon as he got in the car with me and my mum he used to make a big deal about inhaling it and how good it smelled (not envy) however one day he got in the car as usual but when he inhaled he suddenly turned green and said "that's not me", mam had enough she'd held one in all day she also locked the windows so we couldn't open them (still not envy) my family are so classy!

OMG I can't breathe. I know it's immature to find fart stories funny but it's the terms people use. I'm 46 ffs.

I'm not much of a noisy farter despite having IBS, mine are usually very quiet and anti climactic, and rarely aromatic enough for anyone to notice but me. DH is disgusted at my pathetic attempts to summon an audible air biscuit.

He has been the unfortunate receiver of a and un-anticipated sharp parp to the face when he was, er, doing the business orally. He was polite enough to finish the job but commented that he "came back up with a centre parting".

The only time I have ever farted in a public loo cubicle with somebody next door, was when I'd had a cystoscopy (camera into the bladder - which they also fill with air for a better look). They removed the air and filled my bladder with water, so when they were all finished I was desperate for a pee and sat down on the loo with relief. Only to release a long, delicate, surprisingly loud stream of air from MY PEEHOLE.

The person next door made not a sound but I could imagine them like... ???????????????????