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Or just old fashioned and prudish?

(445 Posts)
Amumoftwo Sun 03-Feb-19 10:44:16

My dd is 19 and and has a 23 yr old bf, they’ve been together for months. We like him. Recently dd asked if he could stay over in her room. DH and I were uncomfortable with this (would never been allowed when we were their age) so said no.
DD was very upset and thinks we are BU - are we?

MyBreadIsEggy Sun 03-Feb-19 10:45:59

She’s an adult, way over the age of consent, so yes, I think YABU.
She may live in your house, but she’s not a child.
As long as you can’t hear them going at it like a pair of rabbits, I don’t really see a problem with the boyfriend staying over.

Sparklingbrook Sun 03-Feb-19 10:46:47

I wasn't allowed at that age and I was fine with it, however I think now I would let my DC, I just feel differently than my parents did.

BlueSuffragette Sun 03-Feb-19 10:47:27

Your house so your rules. However, she is an adult in a long term relationship. Therefore I don't think it is an unreasonable request.

Lwg87 Sun 03-Feb-19 10:48:29

My parents always said once both parties were 18 it was up to us. By the time I was that age I realised it was more respectful to them not to anyway so never did. She should respect your wishes imo

evto Sun 03-Feb-19 10:49:29

Why were you uncomfortable?

cuntymckuntface Sun 03-Feb-19 10:49:47

My parents wouldn't allow this. It was something I respected and a boundary I wouldn't push.
It's about respect for you and your home.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Sun 03-Feb-19 10:50:04

I think yabu. It's her home too. I think she will move out if you treat her like a child. Would you prefer that?

NewIdeasToday Sun 03-Feb-19 10:55:00

At that age of course it should be ok. I really can’t even see what the issue is.

FromDespairToHere Sun 03-Feb-19 10:55:38

This is exactly the same ages as my DD and her boyfriend. He stays at ours (in her room) regularly, although I have told her that if I ever hear so much as a bedspring creak I'll start singing Onward Christian Soldiers at the top of my voice. I may know it happens but I don't wanna know that it's happening!

Passmethecrisps Sun 03-Feb-19 10:57:38

At the end of the day it is your house if that’s how you choose to see it. Is it also her home? Is she looking to leave anytime soon? How you deal with this really depends on how you see her future relationship with you and staying in that house.

Spudina Sun 03-Feb-19 10:59:42

YABU. She is an adult in a relationship. It's her home. Where do you think she will end up doing it?? In a car like I did when faced with a similar situation. Is that really what you want?

MyBreadIsEggy Sun 03-Feb-19 11:01:03

FromDespair grin I love it!!
Same gap between me and my now husband too. He used to stay over, in my room from when I was 17ish (he was 21). My mum used to say “I’d better not hear any banging headboards” blush

sirfredfredgeorge Sun 03-Feb-19 11:01:07

Your house so your rules

It's also her house, unless you think somehow paying the bills allows you to control other members of the household. For me that sort of controlling behaviour of any adult in the household is inappropriate.

So, yes YABU.

OhTheRoses Sun 03-Feb-19 11:01:24

I don't see that as a problem at 19 and with a serious boyfriend you have met and like. Would ou feel the same if it was your ds bringing home a girlfriend. If not perhaps have a little chat with yourself.

Ours are 24 and 20 btw. The world has moved on. My parents' house was their home. Mine and DH's house is our family's home.

TheFairyCaravan Sun 03-Feb-19 11:03:12

I think YABU. DS2 used to bring his girlfriend home when he was at university. It wasn't until they'd been together for a good few months that he asked. She's a really lovely young woman and they're very committed to each other.

My parents wouldn't let me have DH sleep in my room until we were married. It was ridiculous and we never felt comfortable there. We felt like we were always being watched and not trusted.

ElspethFlashman Sun 03-Feb-19 11:04:08

I think I'd be OK with it in theory, but wouldn't be able to relax for one second in case my batlike hearing heard grunting. Oh god nobody wants to hear that.

TheBigBangRocks Sun 03-Feb-19 11:05:56

I'd be happy to let long term partners stay over but not recent bfs/gfs.

limerancevictim Sun 03-Feb-19 11:07:01

I’d be happy with this and do allow it with my DD.

CallMeVito Sun 03-Feb-19 11:07:14

Absolutely not in my house.
if they are old enough to have a serious relationship - fine by me - and want to live together! then you are old enough to have your own place.

We are more than happy to have boyfriends and girlfriends for lunch or diner when age appropriate, but we are not a B&B.

ChrisjenAvasarala Sun 03-Feb-19 11:07:16

Your house, your rules. But she is an adult. At 16, I'd understand feeling uneasy with it but at 19... she really can make that decision for herself.

Notwiththeseknees Sun 03-Feb-19 11:07:25

I love all the "It's her home" replies. Course it is, but that doesn't give her free rein to do as she likes. When she leaves the nest and gets her own property she can do as she pleases. Fill it full of pygmy goats, convert the dining table into a shelter & sleep underneath it, buy 100 puppies, keep goldfish in the bath (or coal)....
In the meantime, the HPs (home providers aka parents) get to say who sleeps under their roof, and where.

Mrscog Sun 03-Feb-19 11:09:13

I think YABU - she's 19! She must be mortified.

bluebeck Sun 03-Feb-19 11:09:22

I allowed DS GF to stay over when he lived at home. I think they had been together about three months before he asked.

I can't see the problem. Can you explain why you don't want him to stay over? Did you/DH think your DD would never have sex? If they were living together and visiting you (same age as they are now) would you allow them to share a room?

JustanotherCHRISTMASuser01 Sun 03-Feb-19 11:09:59

Better for them to be in her room safe in your home rather than them deciding to get some unsafe bedsit together somewhere or in a risky place outside. So yabu. Why not talk to them and ask them only to have sex when other people are in bed asleep or something if you don't feel comfortable

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