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AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

(608 Posts)
MysteryManchild Fri 07-Dec-18 13:47:52

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:
- he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
- literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
- she’s never met friends or family
- he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
- says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
- claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
- doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
- apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

Makatoned Fri 07-Dec-18 13:51:25

She can’t be that naive surely

ShartGoblin Fri 07-Dec-18 13:51:50

Oh wow yanbu. I really don't know what to suggest though if she would just cut you out for questioning it. A private investigator maybe? I try not to jump to conclusions but this is just ridiculous.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen Fri 07-Dec-18 13:52:02

He's married.
You are usually allowed to disclose to close family member (spouse) or friend the nature of your work if you're a spy, but in order to do so, said friend/partner will have to have been vetted and sworn to secrecy. If it were real, they would know exactly who he was in a relationship with. Part of the deal is that your private life ceases to exist being so. She certainly wouldn't be allowed to be telling everyone.

girlwithadragontattoo Fri 07-Dec-18 13:52:27

Its sounds tragic. Of course he has a family! Unfortunately if she doesn't want to see it then she wont.
Was he at the birth?

Wingbing Fri 07-Dec-18 13:53:55

Can’t believe she buys that story.

Nobody who works for the government actually tells you that they do, if it is supposed to be a secret.

AlwaysWantedToBeATenenbaum Fri 07-Dec-18 13:54:06

Oh your poor friend for falling for that!!! I don’t even have any advice. He’s definitely married.

MrsMoastyToasty Fri 07-Dec-18 13:54:32

He probably hasn't got any money either and is "waiting for an investment to mature"....

Ullupullu Fri 07-Dec-18 13:54:38

Fwiw if he worked for the government she would need to be background checked (likely without her knowing) or he would risk losing his job. But that pretend job is a red herring - he sounds like a shit dad and a shit partner so she should stop putting up with it!

GunpowderGelatine Fri 07-Dec-18 13:56:37

Definitely married. Your poor friend

GunpowderGelatine Fri 07-Dec-18 13:58:01

I have questions!

Was he there for the birth?

Do his work know he has a DD?

How do they do their finances? What about their home - joint mortgage?

Have they set a date for the wedding?

puguin86 Fri 07-Dec-18 13:58:24


Have you tried looking for him on SM? Or do you think he has given her a false name ??

InsomniacAnonymous Fri 07-Dec-18 13:58:29

Yeah, he's married all right.

bluecanoeforyou Fri 07-Dec-18 13:58:50

Your poor friend. What a shit

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough Fri 07-Dec-18 13:58:50

I'd be doing some digging/spying of my own to find out what's going on. Is the child his child?

Fashionista101 Fri 07-Dec-18 13:59:10

What the hell. I genuinely thought this kind of stuff was films only?! Honestly, bonkers. I wouldn't be able to stay quiet. Can't you hire your own spy and outspy him. I'd say you follow him but you may get killed confused

InsomniacAnonymous Fri 07-Dec-18 13:59:37

puguin86 It clearly says in the OP " he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything."

MyOtherProfile Fri 07-Dec-18 14:01:15

Your poor friend.

Pfingstrose Fri 07-Dec-18 14:01:34



Surely she must be mildly suspicious at the very least?! Utter madness!

So where is his main living address supposed to be? A secret work location? Does he get any post at your friend's house for example? I have so many questions...

SnuggyBuggy Fri 07-Dec-18 14:02:14

This smells bad

MamaLovesMango Fri 07-Dec-18 14:02:21

Get her to watch Mrs Wilson on BBC1

mindutopia Fri 07-Dec-18 14:02:31

I agree, definitely married and probably not even using his real name if there is no trace of him out there? Have you tried googling him? Does that name pop up anywhere? It's a shame she is so closed down to anyone questioning anything because it sounds like she needs to hire a PI and just have a little look see into his past. I suspect there would be some surprises.

TheHodgeoftheHedge Fri 07-Dec-18 14:03:05

This is completely nuts. She can't be that stupid, really? And who would want a relationship under these terms anyway?

twattymctwatterson Fri 07-Dec-18 14:03:18

Surely there isn't a human being alive who's this stupid?

GooodMythicalMorning Fri 07-Dec-18 14:03:41

Definitely married. Thats so sad.

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