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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 10/12/2018 22:32

she
I think what they were meaning is they were enjoying the thread (which let's be honest is why people read threads) so is there any need to troll hunt.

This thread has been fascinating to me. I didn't know reverse image searching was a real thing.

llangennith · 10/12/2018 22:41

I just watched first two eps of Mrs Wilson and now I know what PP are on about 😂

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 10/12/2018 22:57

Hey guys, sorry for being MIA, had a mad weekend trying to sort out Christmas stuff for my DS.

So as I mentioned previously, friend took her DD and my DS to see Santa (their third Santa trip 😂) while dropping DS off I picked her post up for her and put it on the shelf with the other post. Not to be snoopy, I’d actually forgotten about trying to find the spelling of his surname, but literally zero letters for him from a smallish pile. Strange no? It could be nothing I guess, but all bills are in her name. So I don’t have his # or his surname spelling, not too sure what to do. I think it’s probably in my best interest to leave it as she and her DD are my priority, I don’t want anything to come between us.

Though I know it’s easy for me to say, I do t think she would be the OW willingly. She’s so strong willed and proud, though has very bad trust issues with men due to the abuse so I think she’s just happy to be with someone she feels she can trust. I also don’t think she would keep it from me, especially not for so long.

Blegh. Not sure what to do

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 10/12/2018 23:00

I think all you can do is offer her support and friendship. One day it will all blow up.

Deadbudgie · 10/12/2018 23:05

Omg has the OP been abducted by brown bear? Is she now in a dark room in Vauxhall???

greeneyedlulu · 10/12/2018 23:50

As I said before go on ancestry.com and look up your friends dd birth certificate and see if he's listed on there then trace him back. I think it your best starting place as all sorts come up

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 11/12/2018 00:19

If you want to continue to try and figure it out, I would do what @greeneyedlulu says.

You might just have to be there to pick up the pieces when she needs it because this guy is definitely lying and whether she knows or not, there is a child in the middle of this who will get hurt.

Roussette · 11/12/2018 07:44

It's nice that you want to be a good friend to her, but I just know I could not carry on as normal as if this guy is legit. You say you think she's just happy to be with someone she feels she can trust... how in god's name can she feel this? She can't.

She has a 'fiance' she doesn't see from one week to the next, who has no relationship with his child, who pays no bills, and who gives her no support whatsoever, and who she has no relationship with. I just could not let that slide.

glamorousgrandmother · 11/12/2018 08:29

I just could not let that slide.
But it's not your or the OPs choice. I'm of the opinion, with others above, that her friend knows all this, or might have invented the fantasy herself, to keep others at bay and stop them setting her up with people etc. It hasn't really worked in the respect admittedly.

Roussette · 11/12/2018 08:38

I agree glamorous but could I spend time with a friend who could well be saying things like 'Oh John likes watching this, John is coming to see me a week next Thursday, he's been so busy with government business, John is not going to be around at Christmas because he's being sent on a mission.

As much as she is lying to yourself, she is lying to her friend, the OP, too. I could not listen to continual lies from a friend without challenging it.

glamorousgrandmother · 11/12/2018 09:24

As much as she is lying to yourself, she is lying to her friend, the OP, too. I could not listen to continual lies from a friend without challenging it.
Well that would depend on how much you liked her company otherwise. I think it's wrong to try and change people - take them as they are or leave them. I can see that if that's all she talks about it would get boring but if the OP and her friend have other interests together then it could be overlooked, just avoid that topic.

Xiaoxiong · 11/12/2018 09:53

I literally just read this thread after re-reading Little Drummer Girl by John Le Carré and this passage seemed apposite! Would you describe your friend as "weakly centred" OP?

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?
Roussette · 11/12/2018 10:09

Hmmm.... it might be rather hard to avoid the subject, given he's the father of her child. She might continually talk about him for all we know. I'm just very honest with my friends, warts 'n all. They are with me too.

Ariela · 11/12/2018 10:23

Text her and say 'Just doing a card for you and your OH and I'm not sure how you spell (his surname), is that the right way to spell it? '

SummerGems · 11/12/2018 12:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SummerGems · 11/12/2018 13:04

As for no mail being addressed to him, well he doesn’t live there does he? By the OP’s own admission as the woman apparently claims benefits as a single parent and would be unable to do so if he had his address listed there. So not receiving mail there would be normal.

My own fiancé doesn’t live with me, we got engaged at a time when we thought we would be able to live together at some point but because of reasons outside of our control (no secret service or spies involved) this now is unlikely to ever be possible. So as a result of that there would be no reason for any of his mail to come here would there?

Birdshitbridgegotme · 11/12/2018 13:29

I think your friend knows but in her eyes it's better to have him there sometimes than not at all. She can't be this silly surely

PumpkinKitty82 · 11/12/2018 13:30

Wrote her an anonymous letter stating all the points people have made on here so that way she can take it all in on her own time and not blame you .
She’s got her head in the clouds to put it politely and must know on some level that this is utter bullshit

PumpkinKitty82 · 11/12/2018 13:34

*write her
We need an edit button

greeneyedlulu · 12/12/2018 09:15

Summer if you believe this to be a lie which it probably is, why have you wasted so much time on it?

Tutulafromage · 01/01/2019 20:32

Deffo married...your friend must know!!!

Banana8080 · 01/01/2019 21:27

He’s 100% married, whether she knows is a different story.

Waddsup12 · 01/01/2019 22:04

There was a really interesting piece on Radio 5L the other night, which was blatantly about recruiting for SIS, MI5 & GCHQ with actual operatives. They were saying they could keep in touch, etc...

Saracen · 02/01/2019 02:31

Haven't RTFT. If he isn't married, he might as well be. It might be even worse for your friend if he is a spy than if he's married. Either way, she has absolutely no future with him.

Maybe she doesn't mind, and is happy with this part-time relationship.

Gth1234 · 02/01/2019 03:52

He certainly doesn't get "no holiday".