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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
Bestseller · 07/12/2018 14:20

It was tongue in cheek Anastasia. My point was that without any actual expenses of his own, she should be seeing most of his income

Fashionista101 · 07/12/2018 14:21

@mothertruck3r what's a reverse image search? How do you do that?

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 07/12/2018 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoboticMary · 07/12/2018 14:21

She’s either incredibly naive, or spinning you a yarn and hoping you’ll fall for it. She may know it’s not true but wants to save face. So sad either way Sad

SummerGems · 07/12/2018 14:21

Oh come on, people don’t seriously believe that the friend is some hapless victim who believes all of this do they? Seriously, the only mug here is the OP for believing that her friend believes that she’s engaged to a spy who’s not allowed to talk about his job or mention her to anyone despite the fact they have a child together.

Of course the friend knows she’s the OW, except she probably knows that a lot of her family would judge her for destroying another woman’s marriage so she’s painted herself as some victim here while she laps up the crumbs he feeds her on the days he’s not with his wife. She almost certainly had a child thinking that would make this man leave his wife as he’s probably told her they’re only together for the kids....

If I were the OP I’d drop this woman like a hot potato for thinking I’d go along with her lies for fear of being dropped,and I’d report her to immigration or whoever it is for being an illegal imigrant without the right to reside here.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/12/2018 14:22

Their finances would be a big clue.

blueskiesandforests · 07/12/2018 14:22

Oops sorry - cross posted my typo ridden advice.

Agree she probably knows subconsciously but doesn't want to face it.

Fashionista101 · 07/12/2018 14:22

@SummerGems you've nailed it, if this is real then that's the only plausible explanation

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 14:22

tineye.com for reverse photo search.

LittleLionMansMummy · 07/12/2018 14:23

Well, regardless of whether he is married or not, is a spy or not i smell bullshit it's not a very nice existence for her surely? Not much fun, engaged to someone you virtually never see, who doesn't help raise a child, who you share so little time and space with. Does she suffer with her self esteem op? Even if she wants to believe he's James Bond, relationships with spies are not exactly encouraged and are notoriously problematic - who actually wants to live that kind of existence?!

He's married alright. But perhaps focus on enlightening her about how lonely she must be and encouraging her to realise she deserves more. Utter wankpuffin.

olivertwistwantsmore · 07/12/2018 14:23

Your friend is a right mug if she believes his shit.

I feel sorry for her dd. A deluded mum and a lying absent dad. Poor kid.

Pinkmonkeybird · 07/12/2018 14:23

Wow. Yes, I'd say he is definitely married and probably a fantasist as well (a spy, my arse!).

RCohle · 07/12/2018 14:24

This is insane. She must know deep down.

I imagine she could get her hands on his driver's licence and so some digging, but I imagine she just doesn't want to do that.

A spy ffs.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 07/12/2018 14:24

I'd love to know who is on the DS's birth certificate. I bet he said he couldn't be on it because he's a "spy"..

flamingofridays · 07/12/2018 14:25

summer eh, how do you know she's an illegal immigrant?

notapizzaeater · 07/12/2018 14:25

How does he pay for their life ? If he was a spy (and he's not) working all these hours he should have loads of money as he won't be able to spend it.

blueskiesandforests · 07/12/2018 14:25

SummerGems what makes you believe she wouldn't have right to remain? Shop her to immigration? Lovely [santa]

HugoBearsMummy · 07/12/2018 14:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

masterstef · 07/12/2018 14:26

I'm a shit friend but I'd just keep referring to it eg 'is he spending Christmas with you or his wife and kids this year?' 'could you get him to pick you up some milk on the way over from his wife's?' Etc

Avrannakern · 07/12/2018 14:26

@MysteryManchild

If she’s a really close friend, like one of your closest and you have the money then hire a private investigator. A few thousand and you can have him followed, his family investigated and his finances investigated.

You could do a lot of that yourself, but hiring an investigator to bring you evidence would mean your friend couldn’t ignore it.

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 14:27

He was there for the birth but only just, he left the day after.

His work do not know about their DD.

He doesn’t pay rent, she pays it and is classed as a single mum in terms of benefits.

It absolutely breaks my heart to see her put up with this. She’s an amazing mum but was abused when she was younger so I think sometimes believes she doesn’t deserve any better :(

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 07/12/2018 14:27

Another one saying that's not how spooks work at all. She knows. She just doesn't want to admit it, and she's probably well aware that everyone thinks she is a complete idiot - her poor child.

I assume he's not on the birth certificate, then?

I had a friend who did something similar (no child involved) and tbh it really affected our friendship because she was obviously seeing a married man (although like your friend completely denied it and believed any bullshit they told her) and seeing her call someone her partner that only called round for a couple of hours every few weeks made me think a lot less of her tbh. She was worth a lot more than that and your friend is too.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/12/2018 14:28

Ok. Well my moneys on him being married with kids.

She must really want to believe all that nonsense. I wouldn’t say anything.

CanSurvive · 07/12/2018 14:29

Of course he’s married, and chances are your friend knows that deep down but wants to maintain credibility.
I’d pay for a private investigator if you can.

blueskiesandforests · 07/12/2018 14:30

Come on MysteryManchild add a bit more to the plot. I'm stuck in a doctor's waiting room and only brought college notes to read, which are too boring.

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