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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 14:46

Honestly, the thought of her knowing she’s OW has crossed my mind, my mum keeps telling me that she HAS to know because it’s so obvious something isn’t right.

The private detective thing has crossed my mind but would be scared of any kind of repercussion! I will be honest and say I’m a bit frightened because of someone can lie this much, what else would they be willing to do? I’m on my own with DS (no his dad is not a spy lol!)

OP posts:
Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 14:47

I don’t know if he pays anything, she is always struggling for money.

Also... I know I know this doesn’t sound real, but apparently he has to pay for his own accommodation when he’s away. I promise I’m not making this up

OP posts:
Slightlyjaded · 07/12/2018 14:47

Him: Married
Her: Denial

There is no point airing your suspicions as you rightly point out, she will not listen and cut you off. You really have to choose whether you want to a) play along b) set out to prove the truth and THEN confront with irrefutable evidence.

Not much else you can do.

SummerGems · 07/12/2018 14:47

Because as part of the storyline she would mention that he couldn’t tell his employers about her and the friend would say “ah, but you’re here legally as you claim benefits etc etc,” and she would need a comeback for that.

Imagine if he died suddenly though, she wouldn't even know! He just wouldn't ever turn up again. That's frightening. the person I knew who had lived as an OW for that long used to say similar. I didn’t know her at the time she’d been the OW fwiw, but family of her’s used to say that he’d go on holiday with his wife and children once a year and that if anything had ever happened nobody would ever have known

Avrannakern · 07/12/2018 14:48

You don't need to tell anyone you hired him. You get the into and then you post it to her anonymously. Just make it idiot proof so she can't deny it.

If she never mentions it to you, then you know she knows and she making her choice. You then decide if you want to remain friends.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 14:48

Was the child planned?

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 07/12/2018 14:49

Don't go down the PI route. Your friend knows the truth and she doesn't want to hear it from anyone else. If she genuinely believed he was a spy she wouldn't tell you because a) she would know she's not allowed to and b) she wouldn't feel like she has to justify his behaviour.
If you want to have a dig around for your own satisfaction, feel free, but it's pretty obvious what you will find. All you can do as a friend is be there for her and help pick up the pieces when the shit eventually hits the fan.

flamingofridays · 07/12/2018 14:49

Well, if she’s living here legally then it wouldn’t be a credible reason for not being able to tell his employers about her would it

but... NONE OF ITS TRUE.

if she believes the rest of the old shite coming out of his mouth, then she'd believe that too. Nothing to do with her being an illegal immigrant.

nobody else jumped to that conclusion... just you

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 14:49

I’m wondering if I play this Mrs Wilson on our next movie night 😳

OP posts:
Slightlyjaded · 07/12/2018 14:50

You wouldn't necessarily have to hire a PD to make headway in unravelling this, but you should proceed with caution. Someone who has maintained a lie for four years is going to great lengths to keep it up and might go to great lengths to cover and lie should they suspect that they are about to be discovered.

But in all honestly, I suspect that he is far more significant to her than vice versa and he is only still around because she has made it so easy for him.

RangeRider · 07/12/2018 14:50

apparently he has to pay for his own accommodation when he’s away
the excuse for why he can't give her money & hence why she's broke.
She has to know, she couldn't be that deluded.

baublehasdefrosted · 07/12/2018 14:50

My BIL works for MI5 (maybe 6) but we as a family all know, his parents were interviewed and his girlfriend (IRISH - CAN YOU IMAGINE THE ISSUE THIS CAUSES (IRA btw for anyone who doesn't)) was too, all HAVE to be approved. He also gets plenty of holiday because it's still civil service and has strict HR rules.

YANBU, he is 100% lying.

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 14:51

She is here legally, just doesn’t own a British passport.

Child wasn’t plannee

OP posts:
Blueblueyellow · 07/12/2018 14:51

Summer illegal immigrant? How's that?
And people fall for con artists all the time. Op that's mad! He is supposed to work for the secret service and she's on benefits.Yea,like a pp said, PI vouchers for your friend for Xmas Op. What an awful mess for your poor friend and her dd.

MoaningSickness · 07/12/2018 14:51

Well, if she’s living here legally then it wouldn’t be a credible reason for not being able to tell his employers about her would it?

He is claiming she is a security risk as an American, not that she is here illegally.

flamingofridays · 07/12/2018 14:52

Because as part of the storyline she would mention that he couldn’t tell his employers about her and the friend would say “ah, but you’re here legally as you claim benefits etc etc,” and she would need a comeback for that

and she'd say "but he says its because I am American" (ie not british)

I really don't think its got anything to do with her being here illegally.

Ngaio2 · 07/12/2018 14:52

The next time he’s home follow him when he leaves. Odds are he will go straight back to his real home. Even if he was a spy he’d have an address for work seeing as your friend’s address is unknown to them.
If you can’t follow him get a picture. Does your friend have any pics of him with the baby?

ReggieKrayDoYouKnowMyName · 07/12/2018 14:52

The only person that I ever knew who was totally invisible on social media was a married man having a long term affair.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 07/12/2018 14:53

Well, if she’s living here legally then it wouldn’t be a credible reason for not being able to tell his employers about her would it? So no, not that difficult a leap to make tbh. If she’s here legally then all the OP would need to say to her is that as she’s here legally there would be no reason why he couldn’t tell his employers about her.

Even if she was here illegally, he would still have to disclose. It doesn't necessarily mean action will be taken, but anything that could be used to bribe you has to be disclosed - legal or illegal. If he didn't he would be in breach of his clearance.
Which is all moot anyway because it's all fiction.

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/12/2018 14:53

I’d leave well alone, she’s going to realise eventually and she’ll feel less silly if you pretend you had absolutely no idea either.

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 14:53

@bauble was there any problem with her being approved due to her being Irish? Did they struggle with it?

Can’t believe I’m even entertaining the idea that their may be truth.

I agree about the caution thing, on the very few occasions I’ve met him he’s given me the creeps.

OP posts:
StripyDeckchair · 07/12/2018 14:53

Have you checked online for other similar cases? Whereabouts in the UK are you (roughly)? It's not impossible that he's already got form for this and has used the same fake name to commit other kinds of fraud.

nomorearsingmermaids · 07/12/2018 14:54

Everyone saying oh she obviously knows he's married, no one is that stupid clearly don't realise how far some people will go into denial.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 14:56

If she's 'single' doesn't he have to pay for child maintenance?

53rdWay · 07/12/2018 14:57

His work do not know about their DD.

His work being MI5? She doesn’t think they might be quite good at finding out things?

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