AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

[MysteryManchild]

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

• he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
• literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
• she’s never met friends or family
• he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
• says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
• claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
• doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
• apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

I understand these kinds of roles are very well paid and as he seems to be working away constantly, all his living expenses will be covered too, so he's able to contribute very handsomely to the upkeep of their joint home and daughter, right?

This unfortunately is not true and the pay is not great, especially in comparison with private sector security services. No one goes into it for the money!

And I would bet £1m that the friend actually knows full well she’s the OW and is just telling her friends and family the sob story about his job. She’s fully complicit in this imho and probably had a baby because she thought it would make him leave his wife.

She must have very low self esteem

Yes, was he at the birth?

Is he from a culture where being with her might be unacceptable?

Does he provide financially?

Do you know his car reg number? Could you see it if you went round on one of the nights that he is with your friend? That would be a good place to start.

Get her to watch Mrs Wilson on BBC1 Exactly this!

Also, I can assure your friend that her relationship is not secret from his work - they know everything, believe me. It may well be secret from his wife though.

Can't she push for a wedding? The poor girl...

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

^ ^

She knows. She just wants you to believe in her fantasy with her to make it real.

Have you met him?

I’m sure he’s probably refused to be on any bank accounts, birth certs, house deeds/ rental agreements on the basis that he can’t risk his relationship with “an American” being found out.

It angers me so much that OP’s friend is probably setting her dd up for a lifetime of therapy because she can’t face up to the fact she’s been Walter-Mitty-ed

Spies don't go around telling people they're spies.

Your friend sounds a real dimwit.

If this were my friend and I had the money I’d hire a private investigator. Deep deep down your friend must know, ignoring it is not good for her mental health. Far better she find out soon so she can recover and get her life back.
If he only sees her once every three weeks I doubt she’s the only other mistress either.

IF IF IF any truth, he would be more jeopardising his job to keep her and his DD secret - that is misconduct

Yes. I have a job “in government”*. I am allowed to tell immediate family what I do. They have to know about immediate family because there is a chance they may be at risk if someone decides that i am responsible for whatever the government has done and threaten me or my family. For the same reasons I have to be very open about my finances for bribery reasons.

They would need to know about his fiance and dd to keep her safe.

*no, i’m not a spy. Boring actually, but a job that could be targeted if people found out what i did. And fwiw, your basic everyday lawmaker from coppers to barristers are subjected to the same. Look at the threats the judge got recently in th our Tommeh incident.

I’d be tempted to pay for a private investigator because I’m nosey. I would certainly want to be reassured that he isn’t a murderer, sex offender or someone that could do serious harm to your friend or her child. Being married could be the least awful part of his identity.

The reason that your friend falls out with everyone when they question her relationship is that deep down she knows that they are right and hopes to prove them all wrong.

Was the baby planned? Does he contribute financially?

This isn't going to end well...

If this were my friend and I had the money I’d hire a private investigator

Likewise

Also thinking about it was he on the birth certificate as he would have needed to take ID with him, and from that it would be easy to find any relatives on social media.

She doesnt need a PI

Just go through his wallet. Snoop hard online, he will have left some trace somewhere - deed poll etc, old address...

Ok, a few questions:

• Do they own/rent their property together? Do they have a joint mortgage/tenancy agreement?
• How do they manage finances? Do they have a joint bank account?
• Has she ever seen photos of his parents/family, even if she hasn't met them?
• Was he at the birth of his child?
• Is he on the child's birth certificate?
• Has she ever seen anything official in his name - passport, driving licence, credit card etc?
• Does he ever let his phone or wallet out of his sight on the rate occasions she's with him? (so she can snoop)
• What were your opinions of him on the occasions you've met him?

Another one here thinks she should watch Mrs Wilson.

"Do you have a photo of him? Try doing a reverse image search on google, see if anything comes up?"

This.

He will be somewhere, with his wife and kids.

Your friend will know obviously, because nobody is that stupid and she will have gone through all this. Chances are it came to head when her DC was born and he decided to stick with his family but come and see her now and again.

Weirdly, it doesn't seem to impact on your friendship too much. You can both basically pretend she's a single parent. If you get on OK otherwise and your kids are great friends, she's not tapping you up for money etc then just go with it, it's her life.

Her family know the truth , and apart from seeing their granddaughter, are completely within their rights to go NC until she gives up this fantasy, instead of being around and enabling and legitimising it.

Poor woman - she is either gullible,, trying to save face, or has made herself believe this fantasy because she can't face being the other woman.

One of my friends is involved in Government stuff, and both her, her immediate family, and also some other friends were all checked out. She had taken soft (ClassB) drugs in her teens and 20s, and was honest about it - the person interviewing said they didn't mind about people doing bad /illegal things in the past as long as they knew about it so it couldn't be used for blackmail purposes. Keeping anything secret would result in disciplinary hearings - and believe me, the Government would find out.

It's all very Eastendery.

Oh another here who thinks you DON'T need a P.I. The truth is obvious, and she knows what he really is and does, and confronted with evidence would say that it was fabricated.

If it's just for your own curiosity, just do some internet work. We are all out there.

www.makeuseof.com/tag/3-fascinating-search-engines-search-faces/

You can do a reverse face dear on Google to find out whether he's on social media under another name, if she has any photos of him you could take a photo of.

If he's got a child with your friend and he's only seeing them once every three weeks, I'd be inclined to believe he's got more than just one other family.

Reverse face *search not dear