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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
CanSurvive · 07/12/2018 14:30

OP, his work do not know about his DD as he isn’t a spy! He works for some boring company somewhere and tells his wife he goes on a business trip once every 3 weeks.

SummerGems · 07/12/2018 14:31

Because it states as much in the OP. The reason he’s apparently not allowed to disclose her to his work is because she’s an American without british citizenship. Ergo, she’s an illegal imigrant.

And of course being a spy he knows that his work take him at his word, like he does with the people he spies on. Seriously, nobody is that thick, apart from the OP for believing that her friend actually believes this stuff and not wanting to upset her.

I knew someone who was an OW for 40 years and who only saw her OM once a week. She also had a daughter with him. The difference was that she knew the deal, unfortunately so did his wife and children but his wife threatened to kill the kids if he ever left her so he stayed with her. Not right but it wasn’t straightforward iyswim but his DC backed up his version of events and actually accepted her into their lives.

However it ended badly for the daughter as his kids don’t know she’s their sister, so when he died she couldn’t even go to his funeral. Sad.

So in this instance it’s the daughter I feel sorry for. No sympathy what so ever for the friend

Ellie56 · 07/12/2018 14:31

He definitely has another family (or two) somewhere.

Why would anyone put up with this shit?

blueskiesandforests · 07/12/2018 14:31

Perhaps you could reverse face search him now "live" and update @MysteryManchild

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 14:31

Is he on the birth certificate OP?

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 14:31

Sorry I didn’t expect this to blow up! Currently cleaning my house while DS gives me the chance! lol.

As far as I’m aware he is on DDs birth certificate but that’s only because I asked outright when she was first born (under the guise of if she could get a British passport, she’s American) and she said he was. Though baby has HER last name, not his.

OP posts:
suzy2b · 07/12/2018 14:32

Eastenders

Yokohamajojo · 07/12/2018 14:33

Poor daughter is going to ask questions the older she gets isn't she!

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/12/2018 14:33

He probably can’t believe she fell for it either.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/12/2018 14:33

you can't fix STUPID Flowers

CloudPop · 07/12/2018 14:34

Wow he has left no cliche unturned has he. Not just a toe rag, but a toe rag with very little imagination.

SantyClaws · 07/12/2018 14:35

DH worked in a 'government' building years ago. They wanted to know EVERYTHING about his and my family, including his long dead father when he signed up.

Your poor friend OP. What a bastard.

flamingofridays · 07/12/2018 14:35

Because it states as much in the OP. The reason he’s apparently not allowed to disclose her to his work is because she’s an American without british citizenship. Ergo, she’s an illegal immigrant

that's a really odd assumption to make considering he is bullshitting about everything else!

I v much doubt she's al illegal immigrant. you can live here without being a citizen cant you?!

Original poster
MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 14:36

ALSO, when I registered DS they didn’t even check my ID or BC, is there a chance he could have lied about his name?

OP posts:
blueskiesandforests · 07/12/2018 14:38

SummerGems not having British citizenship doesn't mean she's an illegal immigrant at all. Xmas Confused

Coyoacan · 07/12/2018 14:40

She wants to believe this or at least have everyone else believe this. There is nothing you can do really. She is happy to live like that for some reason, let her get on with it and be there for her when things go pearshaped.

SassitudeandSparkle · 07/12/2018 14:41

She may see the light when she has to face the embarassing task of telling her child's school about these arrangements.

It is a very common story tbh.

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2016/10/19/man-who-posed-as-mi6-spy-hunted-over-claims-he-conned-divorcee-o/

happyclutterchucker · 07/12/2018 14:42

He would have had to go to the register office with her to register the birth then. If he disappeared the day after the baby was born, it seems unlikely.

Does he contribute to the household finances at all? If not, why not, and why hasn't she insisted that he supports his child?

Are you quite sure you really believe your friend when she tells you all this cloak-and-dagger stuff about him?

BoglingToAswad · 07/12/2018 14:43

Because it states as much in the OP. The reason he’s apparently not allowed to disclose her to his work is because she’s an American without british citizenship. Ergo, she’s an illegal imigrant.

It says she doesn't have a UK passport. It is perfectly possible to be a legal immigrant without having a UK passport.

KeepingEveryoneSafe · 07/12/2018 14:43

Imagine if he died suddenly though, she wouldn't even know! He just wouldn't ever turn up again. That's frightening.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 07/12/2018 14:43

If she's claiming benefits as a single mum, as stated in an update, she is not an illegal immigrant.

RatRolyPoly · 07/12/2018 14:44

Sod hiring a private investigator, I'd be the private investigator!

But then again I've got too much time on my hands.

Where does he get his mail delivered? What's the address on his account?? So many questions!

Either way I don't think this is as uncommon as people would like to think. How sad.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 07/12/2018 14:44

Also, not having a British passport doesn't mean she's not a British citizen.

SummerGems · 07/12/2018 14:45

Well, if she’s living here legally then it wouldn’t be a credible reason for not being able to tell his employers about her would it? So no, not that difficult a leap to make tbh. If she’s here legally then all the OP would need to say to her is that as she’s here legally there would be no reason why he couldn’t tell his employers about her.

If this is a plot for a book then the OP needs to get that bit right because readers will jump to that conclusion.... iyswim.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 07/12/2018 14:45

Okay, so he doesn't pay rent. Er, why?

Does he pay anything towards this family?