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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think my friends fiancé is a married man?

610 replies

MysteryManchild · 07/12/2018 13:47

NC for obvious reasons.

Friend has been with her ‘fiance’ for 4 years. I’ve met him 5 times despite me and her being best friends for 15 years. She has a 2yo DD who she loves whole heartedly. Her DD and my DS are best friends, we hang out at least 5 times a week doing various activities with the babies.

So her DF travels for work constantly. Literally comes home for 1 night every 3 weeks. Sometimes he is uncontainable when he is ‘busy’ or doing very secretive stuff, because get this ....he works for the government. Apparently he can’t tell work about their relationship because she’s originally from America (lived here since she was ten, though doesn’t have a British passport), so their relationship is secret from his work and even his parents (she’s never met them). Friend buys all this because she loves him so much, but she’s lost all her other friends and family because of this so I’m all she has. Her mum has told her that she’s a fool and can’t stand to see her DGD have such a non existent father.

So a few points:

  • he is invisible on social media, has no account on anything.
  • literally home 1 weeknight every three weeks or so, sometimes more.
  • she’s never met friends or family
  • he claims to be a spy or whatever. (Not technically a spy but works for the government and can’t claim their relationship??)
  • says he gets no holiday and also works 7 days a week, every week.
  • claims to work 24 hours straight sometimes and that’s why he sometimes goes off the radar. (Wouldn’t you like, die if you never got a day off and worked this long frequently)
  • doesn’t really know anything about DD, she’s kinda on her own with her
  • apparently can’t get any time off over Christmas so she’s spending it with me and my DS. (Surely no one works Christmas Day if they work for the government? Unless.. he is a spy?)

There’s probably more but I can’t think! Happy to answer any questions!

Also to note, she won’t listen to reason and has cut EVERYONE out who questioned it so I really can’t bring this up, we are all she has, seriously.

SO! AIBU to think he’s a lying shit who probably has a wife and kids????

OP posts:
PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 07/12/2018 14:05

Your mate must be unbelievably naive. I actually have difficulty feeling sympathy for someone so willfully stupid.

Is he named on the DD’s birth cert?

I’d be buying her some vouchers for a private investigator for Chrimbo I think.

Bestseller · 07/12/2018 14:05

I understand these kinds of roles are very well paid and as he seems to be working away constantly, all his living expenses will be covered too, so he's able to contribute very handsomely to the upkeep of their joint home and daughter, right?

InsomniacAnonymous · 07/12/2018 14:05

OP, your friend must be incredibly naive. Unless she's spectacularly gullible, I suppose there could be a bit of self deception going on, in that she'd rather tell herself that she's having a relationship with an exciting 'James Bond' type than face the harsh reality that he's married - which is blindingly obvious to everyone but her.

GunpowderGelatine · 07/12/2018 14:06

When you register a birth and the man goes does he have to show ID?

Cuttingthegrass · 07/12/2018 14:07

He’s married.
IF IF IF any truth, he would be more jeopardising his job to keep her and his DD secret - that is misconduct.

Sorry for you having a friend so utterly blind

Fashionista101 · 07/12/2018 14:07

I must have read OP 7 times now

AHeartAPenny · 07/12/2018 14:08

My BIL actually does work in a classified position for the government. What your friend's fiance is describing is not how the secrecy aspect works. Also they're subject to the same employment law as any other employer in terms of working hours, holiday allowance etc.
I suspect she's not actually as naive as she makes out but feels too invested now (or embarrassed possibly?) to back out, and is just burying her head in the sand.

flamingofridays · 07/12/2018 14:08

according to the gov website you have to take a form of id. I cant actually remember what we took but the website suggests the following;

SummerGems · 07/12/2018 14:08

I don’t have much sympathy for the friend tbh. She’s an idiot if she buys this shite and deserves all she gets IMO.

The dd on the other hand I feel sorry for, a dad who clearly has another family somewhere and a mother who was stupid enough to have a child with a man she knows isn’t any of the things he says he is. Poor child.

BlueJava · 07/12/2018 14:08

I find this really sad. If someone does actually work for the government security services I do not believe they couldn't say they had a girlfriend or child. The security services actually ask a lot of info when you sign up - they want to know about these things and changes to personal information. The fact that she is American has nothing to do with it - if she is here legally they wouldn't have an issue with it. Sorry, she is going to come crashing down at some stage.

mothertruck3r · 07/12/2018 14:08

Do you have a photo of him? Try doing a reverse image search on google, see if anything comes up?

saj90 · 07/12/2018 14:08

Do you have any pictures of him? You could do a google image search using his picture, to see if he pops up anywhere else (different name or whatever).

flamingofridays · 07/12/2018 14:08

passport
birth certificate
deed poll
driving licence
proof of address (for example, a utility bill)
Council Tax bill
marriage or civil partnership certificate

(Sorry don't know how I managed to split my post in half!)

Potterpotty · 07/12/2018 14:08

Surely he is married!

Has your friends DF let any of his friends names slip out or does she know his families names, she could search SM for them.

Poodles1980 · 07/12/2018 14:08

Can you get a photo of him and do a search of the image on line? Might show his real identity

Notmyrealname85 · 07/12/2018 14:09

You can run an image search on him (they do this on he Catfish show all the time!). Try that and see if he has any hidden profiles online

Pfingstrose · 07/12/2018 14:09

If he drives maybe his car reg might be a useful starting point to trace his real identity?

SendintheArdwolves · 07/12/2018 14:09

Yeah, it sounds like he's got another family somewhere.

But let's just say he hasn't, his bollocks story about working for the government is true and he really is everything he says he is. He's still a shit father and a mostly absent partner.

So what can you do? You don't have to "go along" with the deception - by pretending that you believe him you are bolstering her own belief. When she has moments of doubt, she can think "well, Mystery knows he's on the level".

I think you can have one serious conversation about it - don't make out that she is an idiot for falling for it, but say that you have started to have doubts and are worried about her. She may get upset and cut you off - if so, I would keep sending birthday and Christmas cards, the occasional friendly message. Give her an easy, face saving way to get back in touch with you. But by letting her think you don't have doubts, you're kind of lying to her.

saj90 · 07/12/2018 14:09

@mothertruck3r oooh spooky!

Move2WY · 07/12/2018 14:09

My thoughts are that she knows he is married but is in too deep. I doubt she’s this naive.

Bestseller · 07/12/2018 14:09

Is it possible she knows very well he's married but this is her way of saving face?

Notmyrealname85 · 07/12/2018 14:10

Ps it’s obviously actually quite scary! Either she’s completely brainwashed or has accepted it... either way she doesn’t know the real him at all

HowlsMovingBungalow · 07/12/2018 14:10

I have encountered some dick trying to spin me this while I was OLD. Total bullshit.

Compulsive narcissist Liar.

Troels · 07/12/2018 14:10

My mind went straight to Mrs Wilson, she needs to watch it.
She needs a PI, Chances are he's all over Social media only under his real name.
I am amazed she is being that stupid, surely his family would want to meet and have contact with his child. It's very sad.

LordPickle · 07/12/2018 14:10

Is this real? It's bonkers! It does sound like he has another, more important, relationship.