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Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

(859 Posts)
Oldbutstillgotit Sun 25-Nov-18 14:31:57

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

OP’s posts: |
JacquesHammer Sun 25-Nov-18 14:33:24

YANBU in the slightest.

I’m afraid your friend is morally reprehensible trying to lay a guilt trip on you. You have done nothing to be guilty for.

Zofloramummy Sun 25-Nov-18 14:34:00

Absolutely no way! Why doesn’t your friend retire and look after her own grandchild? That is cf behaviour and you have earned the right to spend your retirement any damn way you choose to! I’m furious on your behalf OP!

Jackshouse Sun 25-Nov-18 14:35:06

Absolutely not!

I think even if you did the childcare then you would loose the friendship. What did you do before? Do you even like children? Looking after a toddler my demanding I am in my 30s and she is mine, she was my choose and we pay for childcare.

BitchQueen90 Sun 25-Nov-18 14:35:17

You are not being selfish. Your god daughter's DH is being bloody selfish though.

Zofloramummy Sun 25-Nov-18 14:35:21

And also her problems with her husband being a wanker and refusing to pay for his own child is not your problem. Why the hell dis she have a baby with such a horrible man?

NothingOnTellyAgain Sun 25-Nov-18 14:35:40


I thought it was going to be your grandchildren where YANBU either

Of course you don't have to do anything you don't want to do

Why does she think this is your job? To look after a 5mo baby for free?

MIdgebabe Sun 25-Nov-18 14:35:50

No it isn’t selfish. It’s a huge commitment and responsibility.

FadedRed Sun 25-Nov-18 14:36:15

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse.
I think your friend has already ruined your friendship, tbh.
You are not obliged to take on any responsibility for your friend’s daughter’s child care.

bastardkitty Sun 25-Nov-18 14:36:19

That's unbelievable behaviour from your friend. YANBU!

KatharinaRosalie Sun 25-Nov-18 14:36:26

YANBU at all. Just because you could do something does not mean you have to. That's a massive thing to ask!
Friend should spend her energy in getting her DD away from the financially abusive twat instead.

IdaDown Sun 25-Nov-18 14:36:28

I think the friendship is over whatever you do.

FinallyHere Sun 25-Nov-18 14:36:32

* My friend really put pressure on saying*

* a long standing friendship*

So, not much of a friend then, sorry, YANBU.

NameChangerAmI Sun 25-Nov-18 14:36:34



Don't let her guilt trip you into doing this. It's outrageous that's she's even thought about asking you.

Soubriquet Sun 25-Nov-18 14:37:02

Her tight arse husband is not your problem.

If your “friend” wants to help, she would be better off getting on his case than yours


WerewolfNumber1 Sun 25-Nov-18 14:37:56


I think they’ve got an incredible cheek to ask, let alone to put pressure on.

In fact they’re being very selfish ruining your happy anticipation of retirement and trying to prevent you from enjoying it.

I know you don’t want to ruin the friendship but you’ll have to be blunt here.


You know that I care about you and God-daughter, but there is simply no way that I am going to look after Goddaughter’s baby once she returns to work.

We have saved and planned so that I can retire slightly early, and we have lots of plans and goals of our own. DH and I have waited a long time for this and frankly I think it is unfair for you to put pressure on me to put our lives on hold.

Goddaughter needs to sort out her relationship with her DH so that her childcare (and other) needs are met, and I can’t be a part of compensating for the issues in that relationship.

I hope you all find a solution that works for you.


user1493413286 Sun 25-Nov-18 14:37:58

No it’s not your responsibility; I know it sounds harsh but it was her choice to have a baby.
Once you start doing one day you will be committed and holidays etc will be hard to take.

MrsJayy Sun 25-Nov-18 14:38:01

Your GD marraige sounds horrific but that isn't your problem to solve don't feelguilty about it your friend had no business guilt tripping you.

Yvbmioasp Sun 25-Nov-18 14:38:08

The circumstances surrounding this are of no importance. By that I mean the reasons you have been asked. You are in no way being unreasonable or selfish. It's your life, you've worked hard and basically you can do whatever you want.

This request is totally out of order anyway but being told you are selfish is the last straw. I would tell them to get lost and leave you alone to your well earned retirement.

DramaAlpaca Sun 25-Nov-18 14:38:10

Of course you are not being selfish! Your friend, on the other hand, is unspeakably cheeky.

This is your time now. Stick to your guns & enjoy your retirement.

NothingOnTellyAgain Sun 25-Nov-18 14:38:11

"Friend should spend her energy in getting her DD away from the financially abusive twat instead."


AtrociousCircumstance Sun 25-Nov-18 14:38:49

Bloody hell! Stick to your guns. Absolutely not.

Your friend is being selfish, inappropriate, aggressive in her tactics. Whatever happens she has shown she is not your friend.

She ruined the friendship, not you.

Do NOT do it, not even an hour a week.

ScreamingValenta Sun 25-Nov-18 14:39:37


formerbabe Sun 25-Nov-18 14:39:42

Omg! When I read your title, I assumed the childcare would at least be for your own grandchild...shock why on earth would you look after your friends daughters baby?! Why did she even think you'd consider it?!

MyKingdomForBrie Sun 25-Nov-18 14:40:01

Wow, she wants you to devote your retirement to caring for her DDs baby? She needs to support her dd in dealing with her despicable DH rather than being an absolute cheeky fucker!

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