Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

A friendship so easy to break is not a friendship you should work to keep.

Maybe the woman who had the baby should have thought about childcare and the costs involved in raising a child before she actually had one. I'd continue to politely say no.

My parent's help us with childcare as my dad is retired and my mum semi retired. I am very clear that if they don't feel they can do it anymore they don't have to, this is my own parent's though. I couldn't imagine trying to guilt trip my mum's friend into looking after my kids for FREE, that really is cheeky!

Even asking was CFery at its finest but to try to strong arm you by calling you selfish is on another level.

The fact you even need to ask if you are being selfish makes me think you are a bit put upon OP. Time to say NO!

I would contact the GD herself, tell her you are quite upset that she and her mother think you're selfish, and does she realise how abnormal her H is that he doesn't think he needs to contribute to his own child's childcare to facilitate them BOTH working, but they think you should .

I'd happily lose the friendship, if that's what she's like. A true friend wouldn't have pressed you, much less said you were selfish.

It would be different if she were asking a one-time favor for a day or a week, but you didn't retire from one job to take on another. Her daughter's problems are not your problems.

What may be reasonable is to ask for the odd day. Our nursery was recently closed for staff training and screwed everyone. If a child is ill and can’t go in (but that could make you ill). Asking you to do it regularly is not. Also if you did it regularly in your own home I think you need to register, but no need for excuses, if you don’t want to do it say no. Excuses give her a reason to come back with a workaround. If she’s that concerned she should retire herself, may not be practical granted.

So much good advice , thank you . To the person who asked what GD’s plan had been before she knew I was retiring , I asked that and apparently because I only work 3 days a week GD hoped ( assumed?) I would do 2 days and she would ask to do 5 days over 4 so would only have to pay for 2 days which would still leave her struggling but not as bad. Writing it all down makes me realise how incredibly cheeky they have been

It is such a huge commitment. When my PIL offered to have our 1yo DD two days a week, we had to have a very serious chat with them because we didn't have a backup so they couldn't just drop us in it if they couldn't do a day/week. It was like a job for them and we needed notice if they were unavailable.

It will totally tie you down, you can't just book a cheap holiday or take a road trip, you've always got to be back. Plus it's not just a relatively easy 5mo, they turn into toddlers and you'll be dealing with potty training, tantrums, out and about at toddler/play groups, soft play etc.

My mum does a couple of hours a week looking after her grandson for my brother and SIL. It's only over lunchtime on one day a week covering until the nursery afternoon session starts, so not too much of a bind but she finds it hard work as he's pretty active. She won't do all day care on a regular basis but will step in in an emergency (as bro and SIL don't take the mick)

Absolutely not. My parents worked long and hard all their lives (my father was a WWII vet who suffered horrific injuries but continued to work). They took early retirement when he was 60 and my mum a few years younger. They had only 6 months together until she was diagnosed with cancer and she was dead a year later. He didn't remarry. What I'm trying to say is, I sincerely hope you and your husband have a long and happy retirement together, but no one knows what life has in store and you should enjoy every day of it - together - while you have the chance. Don't be guilted into (nor feel guilty to saying no to) something you have no wish to do. Goddaughter or not, you have no responsibility for their decisions to start a family if they now find they are unable to afford it. Your friend should be ashamed of herself for putting you in this position. Enjoy your retirement, you've earned it.

I would reply to friend
" I am sorry you feel like that. I have never wanted to be a child minder so doing it for nothing would never have appealed. I also feel that it would be condoning what is clearly an unhealthy situation for my god daughter

Fucking hell how unbelievably cheeky!

1 day every couple of months (as an emergency) would be fine but 5 days a week? No way.

Id tell her to fuck off op. Im actually worried that you will yeild to her very unreasonable demands just to salvage the 'friendship'. Dont do it op. Xx

She was completely unreasonable to ask you. It makes her and her daughter sound like users.

The email above was very good. I would send that rather than say it face to face.

Well, of course you can't do childcare 5 days week from January for a 5 month old baby. Leaving aside that the baby isn't even related to you! So that's a hard no.

I agree with other that the tack to take with your friend is that it would be enabling an abuser. And that this should be the push your god-daughter needs to help get out of her relationship.

Can you think of some way that you can help your god-daughter somehow, without offering either cash or childcare commitment? By looking with her at her budget and outgoings and what the "tight" husband pays etc.? By going with her to CAB or something to check she's getting what she's entitled to?

How bloody awful that she has such a young baby with someone who will not pay towards childcare.

So they've basically been assuming that you'll be their childcare all along.

It's very sad tat your goddaughter is in an abusive relationship, but her mother isn't helping that by getting on at you.

Do they regularly piss take? It was a childcare request that made me realise how much of a pisstaker one of my friends was, all the little things added up.

No this is totally unreasonable. However the friend is probably feeling pretty desperate to ask you to do this.

I would make it clear it's a no to this request, but try to support your friend rather than be unpleasant.

No way, how selfish is she, very rude, entitled and cheeky. It is a shame about your goddaughter, it sounds as though her husband is financially abusive, but she is her mother and should be helping her out, not you! This is something I would fall out over a friend with, that is well out of order.

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

Even if (benefit of the doubt here) the underlying driver is wanting to help her daughter get financial independence from an abusive husband, emotionally blackmailing friends into giving up their retirement isn’t the answer.

As she’s been a friend for so long and if she’s not got form for selfish behaviour, I’d be inclined to think this out of character and dig a bit deeper but YANBU to want to do this and should absolutely stick to your guns on that.

If it was for a fixed term to help her get back on her feet after leaving her husband I might consider it tbh.

What would he do if she didn't pay 50% of the bills but paid childcare instead?

Tell her to do it herself. Or give her child minder fees that are higher than nursery.

Your cff should focus on helping her daughter with her deadbeat sperm donor.

Wow they are CF.

I think part of the reason they assumed I would help is because I have done so much childcare for my DD however she is a single parent plus it is my DGS ! Could be clutching at straws here but hard to realise one of your oldest friends is so unreasonable.

This isn't your problem and you're not being selfish. You're absolutely in your own right to spend your retirement how you please. She is no friend to guilt you and pressure you.

I agree that the real problem here is the DH of the GD. You would just be enabling this dysfunctional setup if you were to offer childcare. Looking after a baby is hard work and all consuming, and I expect they want you to do it for free? No way, don’t go there. The parents need to work this out themselves.

Oldbutstillgotit. Please listen to me as another early retiree - No,No, No, No and yet again No.

Firstly, your DH is 10 years older than you and may not be able to travel so easily once he is over 80 so you need to be COMPLETELY free to do the things you wish to do NOW. With no commitments you can take advantage of the best offers. Sometimes you will find just one date in a month is considerably cheaper to fly and we have saved loads over the years by grabbing these offers. One day a week commitment takes away any freedom. 😡

Secondly, your "Friend" is breathtakingly cheeky! Please, please, please don't be swayed by her in any way. I suspect she is rather envious too so please STAND FIRM. Her DD's marital issues/financial hardships are NOT your problem, irrespective of how great a godmother you have been. 😒

Have a fantastic retirement! It is FABULOUS and I can't believe we ever found time to work now. (I am 4 years down the line and still won't qualify for the state pension until 2022.)

I wouldn't want any more to do with either of them after this entitled fuckery!

Enjoy your retirement doing the things you and DH have so looked forward to doing!