Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

This is not even your grandchild, you have worked hard and want to enjoy a relaxing and easy retirement as you don't know how many years you have left, not to do it all over again with a baby that is not even connected to you.

YANBU
I would hope to be able to offer some childcare to my own grandchildren (fingers crossed- only have one child, a son) but wouldn’t do it for anyone else- I don’t like children THAT much
It’s really nasty to put pressure on you for this.
My parents and MIL do a small amount of childcare for us- preschool it was one day a fortnight each- so alternate Mondays. This meant they covered each other’s holidays. Now he’s at school they do one school pick up a week each and a few days in school holidays. If away he goes to after school club, it’s a flexible arrangement and neither go on many holidays within school holidays. I wouldn’t like to think either felt pressured- it’s more an opportunity to spend time with only grandchild (he’s the only one for both).

I have to say though, I have some sympathy for the mother of the DG, she sounds like she is desperate to help, and of course is being crazily unreasonable. Go easy on her though, this is hopefully just a moment of madness at a difficult time. The situation may come to a head in January if you and her do nothing and the DH is forced to put his hand in his pocket.

No no no. Do not feel you have to agree to this. Like others, I think your friend is trying to take advantage of your good nature. You have earned your retirement and you have plans. Do not let her or anybody else take that away from you.

If it was for a fixed term to help her get back on her feet after leaving her husband I might consider it tbh.

What would he do if she didn't pay 50% of the bills but paid childcare instead?

I agree with Diddl. If the motive was to allow her to leave, I would do childcare for a limited time while she moved in with her mum, say, and sorted out her budget and found a childminder or nursery.

Or I would help with advice like advising her to stop paying towards mortgage/bills.

But it is outrageous that they even thought you were an option and left it until November to ask!

Good grief. I assumed from your title you were talking about a dd or ds wanting you to provide some childcare, and I'd have still have said YANBU. This is an unbelievable level of rudeness, and entitlement. I can't believe that she would even ask you other than in a friendly "I don't suppose you would want to......" way some months ago.
Your 'friend' is being unbelievably rude. You really don't need to "explain your decision", this just isn't something that is on your radar.

Maybe if she were asking if you could cover for a week's emergency or something, that would have been reasonable, but taking on a full time, full on job when you are just retiring, is just bonkers, nd I can't believe your friend can't see that.

Please don't accept this OP.
These people are not your friends as friends wouldn't expect this off you.
Stay firm and just keep saying no, your gd will have to leave her dh if she can't cope with what he's like, it's not your problem.
You have done more than your fair share of childcare already with your own children and gs, it's time for you and your dh now.

They are beyond cheeky, OP.

Your friend should be sorting out her daughter's partner.

Childcare is needed because both parents are working.

Both parents need to pay 50% of the childcare bill, this fits in with how he likes all the other bill managed.

Sorry but that's the cheekiest thing I've read on here in long time! Before I opened the thread I thought it would be YOUR daughter asking you not a friend. Tell her she's a CF!

Wow, YADNBU.

But, like others, I think your goddaughter is in a hell of a hole when it comes to her husband! "tight" doesn't even begin to cover it!
Still, if she won't leave, she won't leave - and if she doesn't, then she'll have to deal with her choices and her situation.

None of this is your problem, and none of it is for you to find a solution. Your friend and her DD have been exceptionally cheeky in just expecting that you would do this for her.

I see why your friend can't take on the role of childminder, and I see why your goddaughter needs to go back to work - but again none of that is your issue.

That husband though!!

Gosh, how upsetting. You must absolutely stick with your retirement plans. You have worked and looked forward to this, and your friend is behaving very selfishly and unreasonably towards you. She is not valuing your friendship so if sadly it is damaged it is a huge shame but most definitely not down to you.

She’s out of order even thinking it, but to go and ask and then accuse you of being selfish is ridiculously unreasonable.

Don't steal the GD's rock bottom. If everyone picks up for the H she won't leave him. You are actually helping her by refusing.

And send her our way, she needs some advice.

You dont actually owe them anything. If anything I would offer to be emergency childcare (she will definitely need it a couple times if she puts her kid to nursery) if you feel guilty.
She has not found the right childcare solution, childcare is a pain in the ass to pay but unless you have strong family support who dont work then it is a necessary evil.

Wow how incredibly rude of your friend

Entitlement is a new trend

No. You are not responsible for caring for anyone else's kids not even your own GC. Don't be guilt-tripped. If your friend is worried about her DD's childcare situation it's for her to address and find a way to help out not you..

Hear it all the time on here about GPs "they've had their chance at bringing up their own children they're not interfering with mine," well, let's turn that around "we've done our bit sorting out childcare for our own children we're not responsible for providing yours."

My SDIL kindly suggested I might like to give up work or go part ime so I could care for her DC when they were little - nope, if I'm giving up work or going part time (not that I can afford to) it's to kick back and please myself, not be an underpaid or, rather, not paid at all nanny.

OMG that is so cheeky. I am stunned someone would ask but worse than that they have already been calculating what days you would do? It's more than cheeky, they are extracting the urine.

If those are her circumstances than why did she agree to have a baby with him. I echo all the other posters who say, GD needs to sort out her financially abusive husband and her mother should redirect her anger.

She is not your friend-she is a user.

Your friend must be at her wits end but that's absolutely no excuse to talk to you like that, OP. It was extremely ill-mannered of her to ask you in the first place but far, far worse to push the point and call you 'selfish'. You are not.

I would bring the friendship to an end because I don't see anyway back from it. Your 'friend' is going to be resentful as she has limited options to help her daughter and that will continue to niggle at her.

If you remain in a friendship situation, your friend may keep trying to get a 'bit of childcare' out of you for emergencies and then use creep to gather a bit more. No, no, no!

I agree with your husband and I wouldn't put myself in those crosshairs again by carrying on with the friendship. You'll be travelling with your husband and it's long-deserved. If it were me, I'd wish god-daughter and friend well but walk away and not look back.

Bon Voyage and happy retirement... you've earned this.

apparently because I only work 3 days a week GD hoped ( assumed?) I would do 2 days

See now, this makes it even worse for me!! You could have put her recent carry on down to a moment of madness caused by worry but no, that's not it, they've actually been planning this without thinking to consult you . This so called friend and her dd GENUINELY felt entitled to your non work days. If this doesn't focus your mind and force you to question this friendship I don't know what would.

So the OP's goddaughter's husband won't pay for childcare (abusive?). The op's husband is totally against her helping.
So the OP (and her friend) are being manipulated by what men are deciding and saying.
What is about men?

Yanbu at all.

If you did this you would only be enabling the abuser at the end of the day. Not that it's your bloody responsibility anyway!

And don't offer to do emergency care either! Well-meant but ultimately self-fulfilling prophecy because that leads to an 'emergency' every week and then every two days then every fucking day. Say no and stick to no.