Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

Yanbu at all! This is your time to enjoy your retirement with dh. Don't let her pressure you into it, not even a day. Childcare is expensive but she will just have to suck it up like the rest of us!

YANBU. Your friend has her priorities wrong, as it sounds like her DD's marriage is the real problem here. They're looking to you to bridge the gap caused by a very imbalanced, possibly financially abusive, relationship. I think I'd reply with the contact details for Women's Aid.

Im shocked how selfish your so called friend is. What a horrible person. Distrance yourself op and dont look after the baby just enjoy your retirement. You earnt it!

😮😮 Not remotely unreasonable!! My mother, who is awesome and I have a great relationship with, said she wasn't doing any childcare other than grandma babysitting. Not unreasonable, 100% reasonable in my opinion

The only selfish person here is the god daughters husband.
I’d still stay away though now.

Your friend is ridiculously cheeky even to ask
Yanbu

Bloody hell she is a CFer. And why does your DD think you should do one day a week.
I'd text your friend and say I'm off on a gap year

YOu are not being selfish. Tbh, your friend would be better off supporting her daughter to leave her controlling and financially abusive husband. If you did provide childcare you would just be enabling her to stay in a dreadful marriage.

While it would be a nice thing to do I think they are very cheeky to ask.

YANBU and her husband is financially abusing her - you’d only be masking the issue.

No you are not being unreasonable, you have worked hard and now you can reap the benefits of spending time with your DH traveling etc. What a despicable friend or should I say former friend as I now feel she will blame you for her DD's problem of child care.
Enjoy your retirement you deserve it.

Wow that's definitely the cheekiest thing I've read on MN!

I'm struggling to get my head round how in November her daughter was definitely returning to work in January but had no plans in place re childcare? I mean, she didn't know you were retiring so couldn't have built your "availability" into her plans so she must have had something in mind?

Whatever, stick to your guns and do not let this so called friend guilt you into anything. Not even one day, just no. She is absolutely out of order here and the excuse of worrying about her dd doesn't cut it. She's putting her worry and frustration regarding her DDs situation on you and that's wrong.

Congratulations on your retirement btw I'm so jealous! I've quite a few years to go but when I do I intend for my time to be my own and I won't feel a moments guilt.

The issue here is that your friends DD is clearly in a financially abusive relationship and THAT’S what needs to be resolved.

My PIL kindly provide some childcare for us - I’m eternally grateful but absolutely do not expect it from them - they worked hard to enjoy their retirement and they deserve to.

The idea you’re being selfish is utterly laughable. Your friend is not so good a friend as you thought.

The only selfish person here is the god daughters husband.

^^
This - though I'd also argue the OP's friend is bang out of order.

I'd be responding by asking why she doesn't reduce her hours to a) provide a days free childcare for her grandchild b) helping her daughter leave a financially abusive relationship.

These aren't your problems to solve OP and in your case I'd be distancing myself from this "friend" pretty sharpish.

This is some spectacular cheeky fuckery.

He DH needs to meet his financial responsibilities to the child and his wife - I would be telling friend that whilst she is in such an abusive relationship you are not prepared to help at your cost because her DH is not prepared to pay.

Thank you for all your replies which have made me quite emotional .
@swingofthings I think you have hit the nail on the head . I have always been an involved Godmother so she probably thought it was a reasonable request. Both my friend and I have spoken to GD about her DH but she will not leave him. She sees him as tight rather than financially abusive.
My friend was a SAHM for many years before her DH left and screwed her over financially so she had to get a job. There is no chance that she will be able to give up FT work for years.
Anyway, I will meet her this week and explain my decision face to face.

She is the one who's causing problems in your friendship not you OP. Do not cave or this will be your life for years.

Firm no you can't help, hope she get it sorted then withdraw. Don't reply to any other messages on the subject.

@racecardriver - are you suggesting I should have offered ?? Part of the joy of retirement will be switching off the bloody alarm clock so no way do I want to have to be ready for a small baby just after 7.00am 5 days a week !

Maybe you could approach it from the pov of not enabling the GD in her deluded view of her DH. I wonder if your DF would be receptive to this given she stayed in her relationship too long before being screwed over.

No one should expect help with childcare, least of all someone who isn't even a blood relative. You are not selfish to want to spend your retirement in the way that you choose to spend it.

Your poor goddaughter, and her mother. It must be very difficult for you & your friend to watch what is happening to your GD/DD in an abusive marriage. But you wouldn't actually help by doing her childcare. You would enable her awful husband to continue abusing her.

I echo all the PP who say this sort of thing:
Your goddaughter needs some help to exit her abusive marriage - your 'friend' would be well advised to target her support in that direction.

Your friend - as your god daughter's mother - should be trying to help her DD exit an abusive marriage. I hope you find some way to help your GD but not by enabling her continuing abuse. Good luck.

My god! It's outrageously cheeky to have even asked you, let alone to call you selfish for saying no. Even the one day per week your DD suggested is a huge commitment that would limit you a great deal.

After bringing up your own child(ren) and providing so much care for your grandson, you are very much due time to enjoy spending with your DH.

Please stick to your guns, and don't let yourself for even a second be convinced that you are being in any way selfish. If a long friendship is sadly lost because of this, please let your conscience be clear.

I don't agree with those saying that friend was not unreasonable to ask. This is an occasion where it was rude to even ask the OP to do this