Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

The best help you can give your GD is to advise her to leave the bastard.

She'd probably be better off financially, if he is not hiding income.

Not being selfish at all. As usual it is the DH that is selfish and all the women are expected to rally around to come up with a solution to his selfishness. If you don't buy into this nonsense then other women start calling you selfish. Enjoy your retirement and your lovely breaks. You have worked hard and deserve it!

Just had a read through all of this and it's so good to see that you stuck up for yourself. Glad you're enjoying your retirement.

Unfortunately she's more interested in looking the part (rich) than she is in making sure she and her child, soon to be children, have a good life. There's no helping someone like that. I just can't believe after all that she's having another.

Do people not look at dates before posting advice that's now nearly 3 years out of date???

@RadandMad

Can you imagine anyone, ever, putting pressure on a newly retired man to do this? No, I thought not.

Indeed.

Thanks for the update OP. I'm sorry you lost a friendship, but I hope that you are enjoying your retirement and all that well earned free time.

I am very shocked to hear that you are being put under this pressure. I think honestly , like you said is the best policy. Maybe she is stressed amd will calm down and put this in perspective ?

I love the resurrection update! Good for you, OP! Enjoy your retirement and well done for not keeping this toxic friend in your life.

I thought this was going to be about your own grandchildren. Your friend is definitely a CF.

@CaptainMyCaptain

I thought this was going to be about your own grandchildren. Your friend is definitely a CF.

Whoops didn't realise this was an old thread.

I remember this thread the first time around.

Cant believe she was stupid enough to get pregnant again. How is she gonna afford the second when she could barely afford the first?

If he's all about appearances, what's the betting that in few years a younger model will appear.

@SofiaMichelle

Do people not look at dates before posting advice that's now nearly 3 years out of date???

Because the op posted an update?

@SofiaMichelle

Do people not look at dates before posting advice that's now nearly 3 years out of date???

Or RTFT

clearly not - but good to have an update!
I tend not to notice the dates - but was alerted a fair way through when there was a post about short notice to arrange childcare by Christmas.
Hope the child is thriving in what seems quite a weird household set up.

Totally and utterly ridiculous that people can be such CF’s. Why do other people seem to want yo make their problems, your problem? Hope you’re enjoying your retirement. Amused by the update about another baby, hmm that’s going to go well isn’t it

Wow what an update!
So sad for you and also for her.
I am always amazed at women like this.

She can even pretend she didn't know what she is signing up for. Well I guess she'll get more CM when he leaves her /She leaves him with 2 kids??? 🤷‍♀️

You have absolutely no obligation whatsoever to do childcare for a god daughter. Your friend needs to step up and make adjustments to her own life if her daughter can't cope.

Zombie thread. What a waste of everyone's time

I remembered this thread from 2018. Thanks for the update. Its a shame GD didn't leave her financially abusive husband, but decided to have another baby! Oh dear, how will she manage? I'm glad you stuck to your guns and didn't give in.

I think the problem here is that your friend has assumed that you're going to do this, and has had her nose put out of joint by you saying no to her.

Keep saying no to her, she's not entitled to tell you what to do with your time. If she keeps pushing the issue, the I don't think that's a friendship you want to keep.

D'oh - didn't spot the necro - have reported myself.

Zombie thread. What a waste of everyone's time

OP updated

Love an update.

What I truly find extraordinary is that anyone would imagine that free child minding is a right.

Not surprised your friendship hasn't survived, but you must have been disappointed in her.

The idea that your GD wanting free childcare should come before your husband...unbelievable.

My SIL retired 10 years ago after a very busy professional career.

She enjoyed 18 months of fantastic retirement before she got roped into childcare for her grandchild 4 days a week.

She is very close to her only daughter but it has been an absolutely huge imposition on her.

She would have preferred to have paid for a CM but her daughter didn't want one🙄.

My lovely SIL tripped and broke her hip on a toy and is now 68 using a walking stick. Her youngest of 4 grandchildren is now in Montessori but she knows her days of big trips are over.

It's SO sad.
It's none of my business so I am in no way involved but it pains me to see her disappointment at the way her longed for very financially comfortable retirement has worked out.
She so wanted to spen it on long trips.

Her daughter, my niece, is a nice woman, but is happily oblivious to her mother's sacrifice.

Though tellingly, I could no more see her doing the same for children.

Good grief!

So your 'friend' is losing a day's pay - potentially more than her DD is paid per day, and more than a childminder would cost - in order to facilitate her son-in-laws financial abuse, and to enable her Dd's compliance with said abuse.

Their expectation that you would provide 'even' one day a week was outrageous. It would have meant that your travelling was restricted to 6 day trips. Madness.

Not your job to subsidise the abusive DH.

You are well out of this toxic soup - just let your GD know that you are there to support her if ever the lifestyle ceases to be worth it.

@CottonTailRabbit

I'd respond suggesting she turns her anger on her son-in-law instead, where it belongs instead of taking it out on you.

Absolutely

Great update.

YANB even slightly U
I’m a bit shocked she had the cheek to ask, let alone put extreme pressure or calling you selfish.
Perhaps she is very desperate?!!