Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

Erm what? Her husband won't pay for his own child? Is that because he doesn't want his wife to go back to work? Otherwise I don't get it. YANBU anyway. Why should you provide childcare if the child's own parents refuse to provide it?

No, your not being unreasonable at all. Poor you. What a horrible position to feel you're in. Your retirement and yours and DH's excited anticipation of it are really important. Your friend is asking too much xx

You are not being selfish at all, but your friend’s behaviour is reprehensible. She should be directing the guilt/anger at her son in law. Enjoy your retirement!

You wouldn't be being in the least selfish even if this was your own child no one owes anyone childcare because they're related. I think you 'friend' was behaving absolutely outrageously in asking, and actually pressuring you is incredibly poor form. No way should you give in, and it is your 'friend', not you, who is trashing a long friendship by her demanding and self-entitled behaviour. Your goddaughter's appalling, financially abusive marriage is not, and should not be, your problem all you can do is point about that childcare costs are a household cost, not hers alone.

YANBU

Not your problem to solve.

Your "friend" clearly doesn't value you, your time or the friendship very much if she is even asking.

I can't believe your friend assumed you would be prepared to take on childcare commitment when you are retiring.

It's not an obligation even when your own grandchild, but someone else's? No way!

You have been discussed by your friend and her DD and they have decided you are to be the solution to a problem that is not of your making or even has any involvement with you.

Your friend's DD has the problem if childcare and useless husband and she needs to sort it.

If she needs free childcare your friend needs to retire and provide it herself for her grandchild.

To be honest with the sound of your friend's attitude to you the friendship has run its course.

Bloody hell!!

Definitely suggest she retire to look after her dgc

That is another level of cheeky! Why would anyone assume that someone in retirement would want to look after their friend's 5 month old? She is strange for asking, crazy for assuming you'd say yes, and selfish for trying to pressure you into it. Does she take advantage in other ways as well?

I'd offer to look after the baby while she goes to a solicitor to sort out the divorce from her financially abusive partner, as she will be better off living alone and claiming the benefits and applying for maintenance from him

I'd respond suggesting she turns her anger on her son-in-law instead, where it belongs instead of taking it out on you.

Wow! You are absolutely under no obligation to provide childcare OP, you have earned this retirement and should enjoy it to its fullest. I assumed this would at least be a grandchild but I think it's worse that you're not related. Since when did being godmother come with this much responsibility?

I'd reply with

"Thank you XXX. I do hope you all manage to find a solution to this quandary.

All the best,

Old"

What?! I’ve never heard of such a thing. She/they need to sort out such a ridiculous financial set up.

Also -- she's asking you for FREE childcare, right? She wants you to do a demanding FT job you would never have considered doing as a salaried role, and she wants you to do it for nothing. Right.

Your goddaughter needs some help to exit her abusive marriage - your 'friend' would be well advised to target her support in that direction.
YANBU

You should tell your friend get financial abuse counseling for her daughter along with a hook up to Women’s Aid. She needs to get out of that so-called marriage.

This is CFery at its finest. Had it been your own GC I would still have said YANBU.

Wow you are not being unreasonable. Before I read this I imagined it would be childcare for a grandchild (which would also not be unreasonable to not want to do) but for a child that isn’t even related to you? Ridiculous and entitled.

No way are you being unreasonable!!
When I read the thread title, I assumed that the child you'd be looking after was your own grandchild, and even then you wouldn't have been unreasonable for saying no.
Why isn't your 'friend' helping her own daughter to address the massive issue of the selfish husband who refuses to pay for childcare?

I'd respond suggesting she turns her anger on her son-in-law instead, where it belongs instead of taking it out on you.

this is a perfect reply

This woman isn’t your friend. Asking is fine but to accuse you of selfishness when you understandably decline is abhorrent behaviour and your retirement will be more peaceful without her in it.

Your friend is completely out of order to lay this at your door. How dare she.

You've worked all your life and now you're about enjoy a bit of 'me' time with your DH she not only expects you to start looking after her DD's child, but is getting nasty with you because you don't want to spend your long awaited retirement doing something you don't want to do. I'd rather lose the friendship tbh.

Her DD needs to sort out her relationship with her DH, it's not for you to have to step in and make up for the fact that she's married to a selfish, uncaring pig.

I'm a bit older than you and I told my DD when she had her first child that I'm not going to be able to do child care for her.

Does she assume you have a responsibility towards her DD because she is your God daughter? I could see the point if she was in a very bad situation through no fault of hers but in this case she chose to be pregnant by a selfish man, so why should be the one to pick up the pieces?

You would have worked hard to get to the point of retiring, why should you ladder yourself with responsibilities that are not yours. Saying that 40 + years friendship it warrants a discussion. Maybe she is very stressed and desperate for her DD and it is making her lose perspective so if shes always been nice to you, I would listen and try to understand why she is acting as she is.

Your friend is the selfish one! Completely unreasonable to expect that and the daughter should have thought of childcare arrangements before she got pregnant.

YADNBU. If you decide to have a child you work out who's doing the child care and, short of an emergency, it's your problem. Your kid, you sort it out. End of story.

Enjoy your retirement - question to ask your 'friend'...if you hadn't mentioned your retirement who was going to get off their backside to help? THAT'S the person who needs to step up now. Either way it's not your problem. I'm with your DH on this one.

YADNBU.
Wow. I came on this thread ready to be a bit snarky as my parents wouldn;t even come and see their DGC once a week when we lived near by as they were too busy socialising and doing U3A stuff. Now they are relaly frail they are furious that I prioritise my DC over their care, and I know my heart is hardened to them because they were so massively indifferent to their own gradnchildren. But I was just wanting a babysitting session once a week.

This woman is not your child, and expects free childcare all week? She's kidding. Yoru friend is being unreasonable. Some friendships run their course...