Am I being “ selfish” not to want to do childcare in retirement?

[Oldbutstillgotit]

At the age of 64 I am retiring at Christmas. I am so looking forward to it. Because some of my friends are having to work until they get their State Pension, I have tried not to talk about it too much and have just mentioned it in passing.
A couple of weeks ago I had lunch with one of my oldest (40+ years)friends and told her my news. She seemed really pleased for me and asked what I would do . I downplayed our plans but emphasised how much I am looking forward to it .

A few days ago, my friend asked to meet me for a coffee and a chat. The bottom line is that her DD ( who is also my God daughter) is returning to work on January after Maternity Leave and wants me to look after her baby who will be 5 months old . I was a bit shocked but said that i had no plans to take another job so sorry but no. My friend really put pressure on saying that her DD cannot afford to pay for childcare but has to return in January as she has no income otherwise .
I don’t want to drip feed nor do I want to discuss my God daughter’s finances but there is no way her DH will contribute to childcare . GD has no access to his money and has to pay 50% of the bills. If she has to pay childcare she will be left with less than£20 a month.
Again I said no and I explained some of our plans . DH is 10 years older than me and has waited a long time for me to retire and we want to travel.

My DD suggested I offer 1 day but I don’t want to even do that ! I have - willingly- provided a huge amount of childcare for DGS but he is nearly 13 so I am not needed so much .

Anyway , my friend emailed me yesterday and accused me of being selfish. DH is totally against me helping but I feel that a long standing friendship will be ruined if I continue to refuse .
What do you think ?

apparently because I only work 3 days a week GD hoped ( assumed?) I would do 2 days and she would ask to do 5 days over 4 so would only have to pay for 2 days which would still leave her struggling but not as bad. Writing it all down makes me realise how incredibly cheeky they have been

So it’s not just your friend who is a totally CF, but her daughter is too. I’m speechless!

How has it been left with them?

And send her our way, she needs some advice

Yes, MrsTerry I was just thinking that. Poor GD. Her husband sounds like an arse.

The OP was bad enough but I really can't get over the update that they'd already assumed you'd do 2 days as well as working 3 days if you hadn't decided to retire.

Also there's a huge difference in looking after a 13yo and a new born.

I hope the meeting goes well for you this week.

and most of all ENJOY your retirement.

Wow CF's ! YANBU

What?!? Why on earth should you work for her for free? Or even paid, if you don't want a job??

I've read some CF threads but this is actually the cheekiest thing I've ever read.

YANBU OP. They are being CFers

WTAF? So they honestly assumed you'd be doing childcare all along. Look, I have something to tell you here. My FIL dropped dead at 72. His widow cherishes the years they had together travelling after they retired and the time they had together, the kids grown up, days out with the grandkids. It was a truly special time in their lives and she has so many fond memories of it. This is what you should be focusing on, you've done your bit, now you'll have time to spend on yourself and with your husband. This is time you have earned.

Don't feel guilty about saying NO. Don't offer any compromises, either.

I wouldn't have even expected my own mother to provide free childcare 5 days/week for my children.

And make no mistake, I'm getting older myself and I wouldn't have the energy to look after a child FT. Not a chance.

That's not at all selfish.

It's sad but really, this is not your issue if she's in a financially abusive marriage and will not leave. Don't make it your issue, either.

Since she emailed you this 'your selfish' comment you in no way owe her some face-to-face justification.

'It's not selfish to want to spend my retirement with my husband and focusing on our lives together. I'm sorry GD is with a financially abusive man, but that does not mean I'm selfish for not providing full-time childcare. I'm shocked and hurt you feel this way, but I will not provide childcare. I'm past that stage in my life, I'm tired and want to have some time to rest.'

This is the cheekiest thing I've read on here in a long time.

Absolutely no way should anyone be asking you this. Outright no from me

"The op's husband is totally against her helping."

Presumably that's because Op is supposed to be retiring, they have plans & he's not keen on her working full time for no money?

However, if he would try to stop her if she wanted to help, that's another matter entirely.

Your friend doesn't sound very nice and much a friend at all to call you selfish, what a nasty thing to say designed yo make you feel guilty and give in.

People seem to think that once we retire, we're sitting around bored and lonely, with nothing to do and too much time on our hands. It's absolutely not the case. You've worked all your life and you're entitled to enjoy yourself, doing what you want to do. Your "friend" needs to get a grip and find another solution to the problem. CF!!!

I don’t think I could get past her calling me selfish. I think unless she massively apologised and said she didn’t know what she had been thinking when she asked you/said that-the friendship would be over.

In x years of being friends with her, is this genuinely the first cheeky F thing she’s ever done? Is this totally out of character?

I've rarely heard such appalling cheek.

'It's not selfish to want to spend my retirement with my husband and focusing on our lives together. I'm sorry GD is with a financially abusive man, but that does not mean I'm selfish for not providing full-time childcare. I'm shocked and hurt you feel this way, but I will not provide childcare. I'm past that stage in my life, I'm tired and want to have some time to rest.'

THIS

Incredibly big ask and your certainly not selfish to say No.

I'd maybe offer the odd day emergency cover when LO is too ill for nursery or childminder. But their financial situation is not your problem.

If baby had been unplanned and they as a couple couldn't afford childcare I'd have more sympathy but he is controlling her and the finances. I don't get the feeling he'll be down to £20 per month.

The other thing is does her 50% of bills include all sorts of luxuries. Are there other budgeting issues, ie, sell the Bentley buy a Ford Focus!

Mythologies I don't see that the Op is being manipulated by her DH . He's allowed to express an opinion surely? If Op agreed to it then the DH has a small infant in his home all day, should he just not have any say in that? She and DH have plans for after her retirement, he's surely entitled to express a view on the matter given it would definitely impact both of them.

Quite honestly if DH wanted to provide unpaid childcare in our retirement out of both of us he's more likely I would be strongly against it and feel absolutely entitled to say so!

dontalltalkatonce has the perfect response.

"Anyway, I will meet her this week and explain my decision face to face."

Just take care that doesn't give her an opportunity to talk you round and pile on pressure. For example, she might ask that you do it 'just for a few weeks' to let them make other arrangements. If you give in to that, it will grow.

YANBU. You are definitely not being selfish wanting to enjoy your retirement.You have plans. Stick to your guns.You don’t retire to look after someone else’s baby.You friend is being totally unreasonable.
Enjoy your retirement with your husband.

Many years ago my very best friend asked me to look after her son, it wasn’t even full time only a few times a week. She said she could not return to work if I did not.

I said no I could not commit to that regularly and she would need reliable childcare. I still remember how awkward and uncomfortable it felt, but we are still best friends. If anything I think agreeing to the childcare would have caused more problems in the long run.

I think she may have realised how unreasonable her request was after the event. We have never spoken about it since. Best friends over 50 years and said child is now 20.

I can’t believe anyone would ask someone to look after their child full time free of charge. You are so right to say you are retired and have no intention of working. Childminding is hard work.

And another thing, how is it you're selfish and your friend's DH isn't for not wanting her to do it? Presumably this is HIS GC too. The more I think about this the more I want you to tell them all to fuck off.
You may lose a friend but, honestly, no one needs friends like this.

When i saw the title i thought it was a grand child...and i was STILL going to say yanbu

Now its god daughter... YANBU!!!

I'm really sorry you have been put in this position. It's really cheeky off them.
Any husband that won't contribute towards childcare is awful.
Maybe this will be the push she needs.
Both my parents are retired and I would never expect them to give up their time together to help me.
They should have thought about this before she had a baby.
Good luck OP, sorry it's going to be a hard time for you.
Enjoy your retirement you deserve it! X

NO!!!! And how dare your friends suggest you are selfish. Let her do it then. This person is not your responsibility, neither are her finances, neither is her child.

You are not selfish. You and your dh have earned your retirement.

Your friend and gc are cf. Stick to your guns otherwise it will cause friction between you and your dh.