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for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

(299 Posts)
MrsEfff Sun 30-Sep-18 07:35:23

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty grin This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

anotherangel2 Sun 30-Sep-18 07:39:42

I think you are being very selfish. You were happy for your friend to support you but you are not happy to return the favour.

If you decided to make your wedding so huge and complicated that it took over your life that was your decision, your bridesmaid may not chose to have such a wedding.

Hanyu Sun 30-Sep-18 07:41:36

I understand you can't really be arsed, but I guess there will be a lot of fall out and offense taken if you don't do it. So, if it were me, I'd just suck it up and do it, so we can all remain friends, rather than dealing with the drama of a big upset. Probably not what you want to hear though. Just suck it up and make the effort for your friend.

jarhead123 Sun 30-Sep-18 07:42:31

She probably thought she should return the gesture. I'd be hurt tbh if I were her, I'd feel a bit used. You are being selfish lets be honest.

Booboostwo Sun 30-Sep-18 07:42:54

So she was your bridesmaid and you are refusing to be hers because you are fed up with weddings?! You are a CF.

OnlyFoolsnMothers Sun 30-Sep-18 07:43:32

I’d be a put out if you refused after I did yours.

I feel like maybe there’s more to the story- do you think she’s quite demanding in general/ you will have to pay for a lot of things?

JuteBag Sun 30-Sep-18 07:43:58

I’ve turned down being a bridesmaid twice. Still friends.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 Sun 30-Sep-18 07:44:46

I think yabu to be honest. Although I understand your reasons ( ish ) it does have a bit of a selfish feel to it.
You wanted her involved in your big day , and she wants you involved in hers .
I wouldn't expect a friendship to survive, you basically saying ' I know you did it for me , but I want to enjoy being a newly wed, so I'm not doing it for you' .

Zigazagazoo Sun 30-Sep-18 07:46:20

You don’t sound like a great friend to be honest.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sun 30-Sep-18 07:46:23

You’re being unreasonable, because you’re unbalancing the relationship. You acknowledge that she did you a favour being your bridesmaid, but now you are not willing to return that favour when the time comes.

The fact that you’re married and you had to do planning is irrelevant (and comes across as being self-important and too “high status” now you’re married to be a bridesmaid).

Your friend wants you to be an important part of her big day. If you don’t want to be, that’s your prerogative, but there is no way that this will not damage your friendship. You are making it clear that you are someone willing to accept favours, but not step up when the roles are reversed.

I think you’re making a big mistake, and you’re going to lose a valued relationship over it.

TruffleShuffles Sun 30-Sep-18 07:46:35

The fact that everyone you’ve discussed this with so far has said YABU and you’ve made this topic suggests you know very well YABU. You are also extremely selfish to expect people to do things for you that you wouldn’t do for someone else. I imagine your friendship is over or will at the very least be cooled. Unless of course this is a reverse.

soupmaker Sun 30-Sep-18 07:47:07

YABU. I'm glad I'm not your friend.

DailyMailWankers Sun 30-Sep-18 07:47:57

I think you're being selfish and unreasonable.

Why should she be down a bridesmaid because you got in there first? What happens to the last person in a friendship group to get married?

Hopefully your friend will see you for what you are and you will be an ex friend.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse Sun 30-Sep-18 07:47:57

Jute, were they your bridesmaids first? Because that’s key. It’s okay to turn it down, if you hadn’t just asked the same of them and they accepted

TheBlessedCheesemaker Sun 30-Sep-18 07:48:31

You are a selfish CF. Why piss on someone else's parade just because you’re a lazy arse?

Lindy2 Sun 30-Sep-18 07:49:12

You sound very self centred actually and yes I would think you were rude in these circumstances.
Your wedding is done, you had preple do as you wanted but you can't be bothered to give back any time in return because it's not about you.

ektomarie Sun 30-Sep-18 07:49:25

“but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.”

I could understand this if you were a virgin and you were setting up a new home with your new husband and had just moved out of your parents’ house for the very first time as an adult. In the same olden days when only single females were bridesmaids.

As it’s no longer the 1950s, you’re just a selfish friend.

AynRandTheObjectivist Sun 30-Sep-18 07:50:32

Stop claiming to be an introvert as an excuse to use people and treat them badly.

royaltrux Sun 30-Sep-18 07:50:39

Wow you basically can't be bothered but you got her to bother for you. User.

LusaCole Sun 30-Sep-18 07:52:00

Sorry but I think YABU. It's fine to turn down being a bridesmaid if you have a good reason for not wanting to do it, but your main reason just seems to be that you can't be arsed (even though she made the effort for you). Well, that's your decision, but don't expect the friendship to survive this.

Theworldisfullofgs Sun 30-Sep-18 07:52:18

You are basically saying it's ok for you to put yourself out for me but I'm not prepared to do it for you.
Of course that's perfectly within your right.
It will have consequences and you know that.
Personally, I wouldn't want you as a bridesmaid if you've said this. You either do it gladly or not at all.

It would tell me what kind of friend you and using the introvert card is an excuse which doesn't in any way justify it. If you just said I always put myself first that would be more honest. No problem with that, just expect that people will also make a judgement about you based on your behaviour.

Teacherlikemisstrunchball Sun 30-Sep-18 07:52:36

I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert)

That just makes you sound like you’re delighted in the fact that you’re being selfish hmm

Your friend gave up time and energy to help you plan your wedding and make it really special, and you won’t do the same for her, on any scale, without seemingly any remorse or empathy that relationships have a bit of quid pro quo in them. My best friend was my bridesmaid, and if/when she gets married and wants the favour returned then of course I will do it for her.

SD1978 Sun 30-Sep-18 07:53:06

I don't think that using the excuse of being an introvert really cuts it. You are being selfish and hurtful to someone who supported you. Trying to justify it with tradition of usually unmarried, it's bollocks. You've had your go, and can't be fecked helping anyone else. You are being selfish. You are being unreasonable. You've had the day you would t so bollocks to everyone else wanting you to be a part of theirs. I wouldn't gasp- I would just remove you from my immediate friendship group if you were my friend- as I hope the bride to be does.

TeacupTattoo Sun 30-Sep-18 07:53:09

Being an introvert doesn't generally make people feel you are selfish with your time and energy - being selfish does!
Traditionally you are a Maid of Honour at weddings after your own marriage - but you still are actively involved!
You expected support off your friend, got it, and refuse to return the favour for very selfish reasons. YABU.

Blankscreen Sun 30-Sep-18 07:54:00

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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