for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

[MrsEfff]

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

[Onlyjoinedforthisthread]

Introvert my arse, you love it being all about you and have only said no to get attention.

[Oliversmumsarmy]

only things I asked her to do for me was to come shopping for her own outfit, and show up on the day

And you can’t even do that.

If you were such an introvert why didn’t you just sneak away to a registry office and get married or are you only an introvert when it is not about you

[Biancadelriosback]

Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

How is you spending a few hours of your life stopping you from prioritizing your next chapter? What do you need to prioritize? Will being a bridesmaid prevent you from buying a house? Working? Progressing in your career? Starting a family? Spending time with you husband? Having sex?

Or do you mean being a bridesmaid will get in the way of you keeping a proper home? After all, there may be nights where your DH will have to cook for himself? Who will do the hoovering while you're trying on dresses? How will your household cope without you being there 24/7 to be a proper wife? Those poor pathetic unmarried women have the luxury of time, don't they!

[greendale17]

You want to concentrate on being a newlywed? Ha you sound pathetic! I have never heard such rubbish.

[PurpleFlower1983]

You’re selfish but I think you understand that about yourself.

[LucieMorningstar]

Your original post should have just simply said:

Friend wants me to be her bridesmaid, I do not want to because I can’t be arsed. AIBU?

It would have saved you so much energy.

[SadieLancaster]

Yeah you’re horrible.

HTH.

[WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave]

I think refusing is fine for whatever reason, however your post sounds very self absorbed, very me me me and that makes for a poor friend. The fact you are annoyed that she dares reciprocate the favour and requested your support and sharing sounds extremely self absorbed.

I would guess this is a reverse from a bride with a self absorbed friend. You sound like my mlm obsessed friend with your logic unfortunately.

[PlatypusPie]

Um I think there are many reasonable reasons to turn down being a bridesmaid - couldn’t you come up with one?

Wanting to concentrate on being a newly wed is just so...odd.

This, with bells on. How do you concentrate on being a newly wed - you just ‘are’ , surely ?

It will be better for the bride to have bridesmaids who actually do want to play the role, though, rather than someone doing it reluctantly. My DD has just got married and the bridesmaids had a wonderful calming effect on the unexpectedly nervous bride during the morning preparations on the day. They had very little to do with the pre wedding planning or errands, though - that was the bride, groom, and us, the bride’s parents.

[FanciedAChangeToday]

"starting the next chapter in their lives"
is this the new "making memories"

[hoopdeloop]

Couple of things have sprung to mind.

Did you never have a discussion about being a bridesmaid for her? I find it hard to believe that she has never at any point mentioned she would want you before telling you a date to go dress shopping.

Going slightly against the grain, I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable to say no, but I suppose it depends on the reasons you gave her? If you straight up told her it’s because you’re a newlywed and can’t be arsed then I wouldn’t hold my breath for an invite!

[donquixotedelamancha]

Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person

She's still well intentioned. While making assumptions is (usually) rude, she assumed you would be a bridesmaid because she think you are so close it didn't need saying. It didn't occur to her that you might not want to spend that time because you are good friends and she's just done it for you.

Bottom line: YANU to spend your time how you want; but surely you see that to refuse to return the exact same favour the bride did for you, implies you think she is not worth the effort. Don't be surprised if that changes or ends the friendship.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

WhateverHappened
Op said it isn’t a reverse. 🙈. But I do agree it reads like one. Unless the op is a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath.

[Happyasharrie]

You sound so incredibly selfish and rude! I agree with what pretty much everyone else has said.

Of course you don't have to be a bridesmaid for anyone ever but it is something that you do for somebody that you care about. She clearly cared enough to do it for you and in any decent friendship I think that should be reciprocated.

Wanting to concentrate on the next chapter and being a newlywed is absolute rubbish. Don't be a bridesmaid if you don't want but be honest - sorry 'friend' but I don't want to be a part of your day because I'm a selfish twat and just can't be bothered.

[WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave]

Crossed posted. Wow im surprised but not as much given i have experience of my sa friend.

[SheWoreBlueVelvet]

Actually I get the Op and her reasoning. Maybe she would have wanted to do it if there had been a longer gap?
Planning a wedding is very time consuming and niche at the same time. Having to go through the same details all over again but with no say in it would drive me potty.

Also chuffing expensive.

[Dermymc]

Yy to all those saying you don't understand the reciprocal nature of friendship. You were happy to have her when it suited you, now you won't return the favour.

[trojanpony]

YABU and selfish

The only framing whereby one could think yanbu is if you were doing this so your “friend” realised you are selfish and a user and dumps you and finds a proper friend.

[Orchiddingme]

I think the whole bridesmaid thing is quite embarrassing for adult women, squeezed into frocks more suitable for small girls, and made to parade around in matching clothes.

So, on the grounds I would never ever want to be a bridesmaid, YANBU.

But given you already like bridesmaids, having had one yourself, then it's a tiny bit off not to bother as you don't really feel like it (lol for honesty though).

[Dermymc]

As for enjoying being a newlywed... Are we in the 1800s where you didn't have sex and are now at it 24/7?!!

[Hushnownobodycares]

There are several bridemaids including presumably a 'chief' who is not you but is the one most likely to cop any 'wedmin'.

This friend must be fairly special to you for you to have asked her to be your only. Not returning the favour is CF'ery. What does concentrating on being a newlywed even mean?

[WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave]

Mummyoflittledragon, i was surprised but shouldn't have been. My friend would probably write similar, however she's further down the line then the OP and can't understand why people won't spend time with her now. Her oldest friend included. Its sad to see how much shes changed and how she can't grasp her own self absorption.

[timeisnotaline]

The op came back, to explain that her stance where others put themselves out for her but she can’t be arsed to do anything for them because, you know, gotta focus on ME, actually shows that she is so UNselfish.
No OP, it doesn’t. Your friend will think exactly as all these comments but more so, as she’s the rejected hurt one who thought she had a friend and is realising she’s just been used for ‘wedmin’ (I refuse to believe someone who says wedmin had a low key wedding)

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

It's not about the bridesmaid duty, it's the basic manners of someone doing something for you and then not being willing to do the same for them. Unless your friend is the ultimate bridezilla I don't think it's going to make muchanges difference to your life. I don't think you can use being an introvert as an excuse to be rude! Especially since you're not so introverted that you had a very small / no bridesmaid wedding yourself