for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

[MrsEfff]

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

[BeardedMum]

YABU. I have never been a bridesmaid or been to weddings with lots of bridesmaids. Is it that much work involved?

[lunar1]

You are clearly happy to be a user in life.

[Childrenofthesun]

I'm an introvert who doesn't like big social eventa and I think you're being very selfish. And your argument about bridesmaids being unmarried is ridiculous. Tell her no if you don't want to do it, but yes, expect everyone to think you are being selfish if you don't have a good reason.

[JagerPlease]

I hate the concept of bridesmaids all being unmarried (she says bitterly having been the first in the group to get married and therefore the only one not a bridesmaid at the next wedding).

Your friend may have told you rather than being asked, but given that she'd been your bridesmaid I would imagine that's because she clearly thought you'd be happy about returning the favour/honour.

Unless there's a massive drip feed and the bride is in fact a bridezilla, you're being selfish and unreasonable

[LusaCole]

Also I think it's very common that you're a bridesmaid for the people who were your bridesmaids? I've been a bridesmaid twice, both times for the people who were mine, once before and once after my own wedding.

[Fairtatas]

I don’t think you are being pleasant or fair. Not a case of being selfish with time and energy more a case of being generally selfish, self centred, rude and lacking in empathy. Enjoy your newly wed bubble, hope you will not encounter a situation where you need a friend’s shoulder.

[KM99]

Refuse her. Then she gets to dodge the bullet of having such a self-centred "friend" spoiling her special day.

[RottenTomatoes959]

Wow you sound awful. Yabu.
Your poor friend.

[LagunaBubbles]

Your friend will be better off in the long run having other people who actually care about her as her bridesmaids. It's meant to be a nice thing, a shared thing, a support etc... not a chore. Your post just screams "me, me, me".

[AnotherCareerThread]

On the face of it, YANBU to decline being a bridesmaid HOWEVER your whole post comes across as pretty selfish and the reasons you've given for not wanting to return the favour to your friend means YABU.

Oh, and speaking as an introvert, please don't use being an introvert as an excuse for being a dick. Being an introvert does not mean being "selfish with time and energy", thats just... Being selfish.

[SmiledWithTheRisingSun]

You sound selfish.
Being an introvert is not really an excuse for being a crap friend.

[PeakedTooEarly]

Your friend didn't just assume you would be her bridesmaid out of spite OP. She assumed because she considers you a good good friend.

Had she been slow in deciding I can see why you might be miffed but it was taken as a given. A lot of people would relish a friendship like that.

YABVVU

[slkk]

I don’t understand. My bridesmaids helped me on the day and organised my hen. I don’t think I asked anything else of them....oh, I texted one to ask advice about shoes.... what is this massive job that bridesmaids do?

[snowone]

IMO you shouldn't have had bridesmaids if you weren't willing to repay the favour to them! YABU I'm afraid!

[thatcoolpirate]

when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong

It’s one day , how can being a bridesmaid for 1 day impact ‘your next chapter’

[schopenhauer]

Haha your wedding was obviously such a big deal that you now can’t contemplae being part of anyone elses because YOU being married is something you need to ‘focus on’!! I’m surprised she wants you as a bridesmaid, you sound petty and selfish from your op!

[Slatternsdelight]

Do you have an ASD diagnosis OP? Absolute genuine question

[diddl]

So you cba to do for them what they did for you?

Maybe they weren't all that bothered, but did it for you as friends?

[toobusytothink]

YANVU selfish

[whiteroseredrose]

Almost unanimous. YABU. Weddings are a PITA for everyone except the bride and groom. She sucked it up for you so now it's your turn. I'm even tempted to say this must be a reverse. Nobody can be that lacking in social awareness.

[vanitythynameisnotwoman]

You'd be a MoH not a bridesmaid - is it because she's not given you your formal title you've declined? I've known a few people who haven't lived together etc before marriage and I don't think even then they'd decline to be that help for a friend. YABVU.

[Neolara]

I completely agree with the general principle that their should not be reciprocal bridesmaid arrangements per set.

However, it sounds as if she would like you to be a bridesmaid and you just can't be arsed. Generally, people who like each other can be arsed to share important life experiences together because that's sort of the whole point of being friends. Generally people who are friends will put themselves out a little bit to do things for their mates that their mates view as important.

[Softkitty2]

Me, myself and I. Its all about you.

[converseandjeans]

YABU as others have said.

[LooksBetterWithAFilter]

While I agree in theory there is nothing wrong with putting yourself first and that is something many people need to learn it is also perfectly ok and normal to put yourself out occasionally for people you care about.
I was my friends bridesmaid she pulled out of being mine after accepting and I was really hurt. I know you didn’t accept but I don’t think your friend was out of order assuming you’d do it.
I am a total introvert as well but also understand there are things like this that I do for people I love because it matters to them. You don’t sound very nice and more than a little superior about your new married status.