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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

298 replies

MrsEfff · 30/09/2018 07:35

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

OP posts:

Holidayfromreal · 30/09/2018 08:06

I would be upset if i were your friend too. All you speak about in your post is "the next chapter" of your life. Out of interest if she had gotten married first would you have been a bridesmaid?

Your post comes across as very patronising almost like a kid refusing to do something because they are too big and mature.

Version2point0 · 30/09/2018 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dermymc · 30/09/2018 08:06

You are so selfish! Being a bridesmaid is lovely. You are the ultimate CF.

EggMayonnaise · 30/09/2018 08:08

Yabu and unkind.

It is perfectly possible to be a married bridesmaid, google Matron of Honour.

AltheaorDonna · 30/09/2018 08:09

I I’m an introvert that isn’t overly fond of weddings,and I think you sound like a selfish cow.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2018 08:09

Your poor friend. You come across as unpleasant and a smug married, who thinks she is superior to these unmarrieds. I hope she has a lot of nicer friends than you. “Wedmin” 🤮. Really?

TwoGinScentedTears · 30/09/2018 08:09

Dude. Friends do this shit for each other! Woman up! Unless you don't really want to be friends?

AudaciousCockerel · 30/09/2018 08:10

Gosh, you sound awful. You were quite content to use her for her assistance when it suited you but when she needs your help you’re ‘moving on to the next chapter’ of your life.

What utter rubbish. Don’t use nonsense speak to cover up for what you’re saying - you can’t be bothered and you’ve used your friend for what she could offer you and don’t want to return the help.

Biancadelriosback · 30/09/2018 08:11

What exactly do you think will be expected of you? You go to a few dress shops, show excitement, be nice, go on the hen do (which I imagine you would want to anyways) walke aisle with a pretty dress on and smile. Hardly going to take over your life, is it?
It is likely she will be a full on zilla?

What did you expect if your bridesmaids? You said you consider being a BM to be doing the bride a favour? If so, surely you would see that it would be nice to return that favour?

MinecraftHolmes · 30/09/2018 08:11

I'm interested to know what "enjoying being a newlywed" means in 2018. I'm wondering if DH and I wedding-ed wrong because we never noticed anything different about our lives once we'd signed the register.

Star81 · 30/09/2018 08:13

Relationships between people are about give and take.

Your friend was willing to give her her time for your wedding and you were happy to take all her time.

By saying no to her you have really just shown you are a user. Not nice and if I were your ‘friend’ I would let this relationship end. Nobody likes to be used and the fact you have stayed you don’t need any wednin to do ... well maybe she didn’t need yours either but she did it anyway because she was your friend and wanted to support you in an important time in your life and you can’t be bothered to reciprocate.

You should have a long hard think about your relationships as if you treat them all like this you will end up a very lonely person.

Chocolateandcarbs · 30/09/2018 08:13

I got married and had kids years before my friends did and have very limited interest in that stage any more. However, I love my friends so I fake it! Could you put yourself out for your friend for a hen do and put on a bridesmaid dress for 1 day? If you can, then that’s great; if you decide that that’s not for you (which is your right) just be prepared to lose a friend. I don’t think YABU because this is just a choice you have to make, but just be aware of the consequences.

sexnotgender · 30/09/2018 08:14

YABU.

I suspect you’re not coming back here though as people didn’t agree with you.

MudCity · 30/09/2018 08:14

You sound really unpleasant. You’ve had your day so now you can’t be arsed to support your friend’s celebration.

This isn’t the behaviour of an introvert but it is the behaviour of someone who is self-centred and doesn’t value an equitable friendship.

It is an honour to be asked to be a bridesmaid. While you might view it as a chore, do the right thing and be nice.

n0ne · 30/09/2018 08:14

I'm an introvert too but you're just rude. HTH

EnglishRose13 · 30/09/2018 08:16

I'd rather not be a bridesmaid again but I know, when the time comes, that'll I be asked and I won't say no as I don't want to hurt my closest friends feelings.

You're under no obligation to say yes, but I do think you should consider your friends feelings above your own on this.

MonkeyBrainsInPickle · 30/09/2018 08:16

You are a shit friend hth.

ButtermilkBiscuits · 30/09/2018 08:16

I genuinely cannot believe that you wrote the OP, read it back and hit post without realising how horrible you sound. Is this a wind-up?
Surely you know that you are being hideously selfish? I'm also confused as to why you're so surprised that your friend had the audacity to assume that you'd be her bridesmaid in return...that is how friendships work. You both do things for each other. I'm sure that being your bridesmaid wasn't the pinnacle of her life, but she did it because that's what friends do.
If you cannot understand the basics of friendship and reciprocity, then I feel quite sorry for you OP.

QOD · 30/09/2018 08:18

Unanimous yabu

HundredsAndThousandsOfThem · 30/09/2018 08:19

Well you're essentially saying you're so selfish that because you don't really fancy being her bridesmaid you won't do it. Do you never consider anyone else's feelings or do you just do whatever you feel like all the time regardless? I guess you're entitled to act that way but you'll soon find you have no friends left.

0rlaith · 30/09/2018 08:19

I’m also an introvert but I’m not selfish. You have 24/7 to “ enjoy being a newly wed “ ( whatever that involves ) , how many hours a week will it take to Help your friend ?

TheSoapyFrog · 30/09/2018 08:19

You seem like a deeply unpleasant and selfish individual, although you are aware and proud of this. You don't want to be bridesmaid, which is entirely your prerogative, but are justifying yourself with a lot of silly excuses. Please don't be a bridesmaid, because you'll no doubt put a downer on it for the bride. Just prepare to deal with the fallout and expect to find yourself with fewer friends than before. Which will be ideal for you being the introvert you are who just wants to enjoy married life.

Original poster

MrsEfff · 30/09/2018 08:21

Guess it’s a unanimous IABU so far 😂

This isn’t a reverse and apologies if I’ve drip-fed at all (the original post was already lengthy!).

For the record I had a relatively small and simple wedding, and the only things I asked her to do for me was to come shopping for her own outfit, and show up on the day! I didn’t have a hen do. We are quite different people in that I am (and was about my own wedding) very low-key and private and she does expect a lot more involvement.

I’m genuinely surprised by the vitriol in the majority of responses so far (guess it’s this awful person that I am ); my post isn’t just about this particular situation, but social expectations around other people’s life events in general - but maybe I am indeed oddly reserved!

I do think I’m being UNSELFISH in turning her down, she should absolutely have BM’s who can commit to her wedding in the way that she wants and needs, that’s a big part of why I did it!

OP posts:

Tiredmum100 · 30/09/2018 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NotTired · 30/09/2018 08:21

You sound like a really shit friend. I'm sure in the long run she'll be glad you declined to be a bridesmaid.

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