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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

298 replies

MrsEfff · 30/09/2018 07:35

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty Grin This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 30/09/2018 08:59

You do realise it is possible to be a bona fide introvert and still be kind?
Your post makes you sound nothing less than a bona fide horror.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/09/2018 09:00

I disagree with every one of the above replies, so there! Bridesmaids are supposed to be maidens, not marrieds, and the friend has apparently already got several lined up, so the whole thing won't go pear-shaped for the lack of one more. OP has also explained that the friend's wedding is a much bigger do than her own, so that bridesmaiding (I just made up that word) is likely to be more complicated/demanding for this event than for her own. So it's not just a matter of returning the favour; it may be a bigger favour.

However, OP, I do believe that you need to have a proper talk with your friend and find out how important it is to her that you are there as a maid of honour rather than a simple member of the congregation. If she has only asked you because she feels she owes you the honour, I'm sure she'd be happy to let you off once she finds you aren't that keen on taking an active role. If, on the other hand, she does want your support then of course you should be prepared to provide it. Or if the thought of being part of the bridal party really worries you she can call in the favour another way, another time. But it all starts from honest, but tactful, communication.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 30/09/2018 09:00

Just read that the OPs wedding was small and simple.

Just a crap friend then...

Still an unanimous AIBU.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/09/2018 09:01

I am fascinated on how you concentrate on being a newly wed.

Lived with dp for nearly 40 years and wondering what will change if we got married.

Looking for tips on what to concentrate on.

45redballoons · 30/09/2018 09:01

I have been a bridesmaid a couple of times and not done much more than what you asked of her OP the only other thing being that I went shopping with her for her dress and helped set up the hall the day before, but even if I weren’t a bridesmaid I would have wanted to do those things anyway because they were important to her and I had no bridesmaids at my wedding if that makes any difference. Yes I hate wedding stuff, but I like my friends so it doesn’t matter how different our wedding expectations are, if it is important to them it is important to me.

Your updated post still sounds like you find yourself superior to her and the rest of us for thinking you should have done it, so I don’t value your opinion as a person anyway. You can justify it all you want, but you asked an opinion and we gave it so don’t be surprised if your friendship suffers as a result.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 30/09/2018 09:02

I'm an introvert and have been a bridesmaid. They knew how I feel as they know me and were happy for me to take a back seat for some things (hen do karaoke for example - I went but couldn't join in the singing). Do you not think your friend would have done the same if you'd explained? Your refusal is showing you don't think she would understand you or take your needs and personality into account

45redballoons · 30/09/2018 09:03

Oliversmumsarmy - what you have to do is learn how to plan spending their pension if they should die young. It takes up quite a lot of my time. I haven’t made it to a social event since the big day.

purpleline · 30/09/2018 09:04

Your way of rationalising your poor behaviour is hilarious and terrifying at the same time! If people have told you that you're selfish they are 100% correct.
You're a shit friend and will end up very lonely if you don't stop being so hugely self absorbed.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2018 09:06

WhateverHappened
Sorry you have also come across such self absorbed people. Me too. It stinks.

Biancadelriosback · 30/09/2018 09:07

Bridesmaids are supposed to be maidens, not marrieds
And brides wearing white are supposed to be virgins but most of us didn't stick to that tradition either

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/09/2018 09:10

Oliversmum, 45redballoons Grin
I’m married. I have no idea either. It didn’t change anything apart from we had wedding and honeymoon.

MaisyPops · 30/09/2018 09:10

Being an introvert doesn't generally make people feel you are selfish with your time and energy - being selfish does!
I agree with this.

You seem happy to have your own big wedding and your friends running around supporting you but then have decided your time is too precious to support your friend.

I'm introverted because whilst I'm happy to socialise with people I know, I get my energy recharged from alone time. Being an introvert doesn't give a free pass to being selfish.

ShesABelter · 30/09/2018 09:11

Yeah I think you are being ridiculously selish and a very poor friend. I imagine you wanted her as your bridesmaid because she is a good friend so why should she be any different about you. Except you actually aren't a very good friend at all it appears. Your reasons ridiculous. Hth.

hiddeneverything · 30/09/2018 09:12

So is your wedding more important than hers?

CookPassBabtridge · 30/09/2018 09:13

This has got to be a reverse.

PartAnd · 30/09/2018 09:14

I'm not sure you are being unreasonable. So there goes the unanimous YABU. 😅Different brides have VERY VERY different expectations of bridesmaids. I'd happily be a low key, turn-up-for-the-day bridesmaid but would refuse to get involved if it was more a huge commitment and expense!
There are loads and loads of threads with ridiculous bride behaviour onMNHQ. So I assume it's not that unusual.

So I'd say the OP isn't being unfair not to want to get involved if she knows it's going to be awful. However, if it's a normal reasonable type of bride with reasonable expectations then I think the OP is being selfish.

If I had been the OP I'd have found out more about it.

GingerFrogs · 30/09/2018 09:14

What a disgusting attitude. I'd be seriously reducing my contact with you if you were my friend

Aeroflotgirl · 30/09/2018 09:15

As she was your bridesmaid, its not fair that you won't be her's for no good reason. I would suck it up tbh.

GinIsIn · 30/09/2018 09:15

You aren’t a shit friend.... you aren’t a friend AT ALL. A friendship is not a one way street. Not wanting to be someone’s bridesmaid because you can’t be arsed is a really selfish and mean thing to do.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 30/09/2018 09:18

You sound like you got a superior complex to her now your married and being a bridesmaid is beneath you.

MaisyPops · 30/09/2018 09:19

I wondered that cook.

If it is a reverse, I'd wonder if there's more to it. (E.g. friend bride has actually decided she wants to have an overseas wedding and 3 hen parties and 'OP' has no real desire to spend a week's annual leave on various wedding events).

One thread I remember from my own wedding planning was where there were 2 women (say Sarah and Amy). Sarah got married first and Amy went all out on loads of stuff in the name of bridesmaid duties, spent a fortune even though Sarah said they were working to a budget. Amy was a bridesmaid-zilla. Amy wrote a thread lamenting how unfair it was that she did all this stuff for Sarah and now she's getting married Sarah is only arranging a local hen do and isn't booking prosecco breakfasts for dress shopping days etc. I imagine a thread started by Sarah would have been different.

For a normal UK wedding without any brideszilla nonsense then the OP is being selfish and unreasonable.

Doilooklikeatourist · 30/09/2018 09:19

Gosh , I think you’re being sensible. Not a bad friend at all
Can’t think of anything worse than loads of full grown women dressed up
I thought bridesmaids were meant to be little girls ( nieces or young cousins )

Biancadelriosback · 30/09/2018 09:19

Are you still close with her? Or were you?
If your friendship had grown apart since your wedding and you hardly see/speak to her anymore then I would says YWNBU. However if the dynamic of your friendship hasn't changed then YABU

Rainycloudyday · 30/09/2018 09:20

You sound very arrogant OP, from your OP and your update. You clearly have quite a high opinion of your own 'ways' but don't expect others to find you quirky or delightfully introverted, they are likely to just find you self-absorbed and rude. It seems even a unanimous YABU isn't enough to make you stop and reflect on your attitude so I'm not quite sure why you posted...?

AfterSchoolWorry · 30/09/2018 09:20

You're selfish to the bone. People do loads of things they don't like for other people, just to make them happy.

I'm an introvert too, but I dig deep and get on with it if it means a lot to someone else.