for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

[MrsEfff]

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

[Sparklyfee]

I don't understand why you had a bridesmaid? If your wedding was so low key and the only thing she had to do was go shopping for her own dress and turn up to the wedding

[CoughLaughFart]

OP - you say your own wedding was low-key, yet you also say you had a bridesmaid for ‘practical reasons’. Obviously I don’t know all the details of your wedding, but I’d guess that some of these ‘practical reasons’ involved organisation? You were happy to let your friend give up her time to help you, but yours is too precious because you’re ‘on to the next chapter’?

I think your suggestion that the bride was rude to assume and your allusion to the ‘tradition’ of bridesmaids being unmarried are red herrings to be honest. There is also a long tradition of brides having older, married attendants as their Matron of Honour. If she gave you this title, your argument about tradition would go out of the window - yet I bet you’d still want to say no.

Think of it like this. If you’d moved house recently and your friend had helped, wouldn’t you offer to help her in return when she moved a few months later? Even if you only had a two-bed flat and she had a four-bed house, meaning their might be a bit more work? Or would you say no because you’ve dealt with one move and now just want to relax in your new home?

[AnotherCareerThread]

I'm an introvert. Does that mean I don't have to buy any Christmas presents this year?

[AuntBeastie]

She helped you out. It is a bit selfish for you to now say you don’t want to return the favour because you have other things going on. You’re still entitled to make that choice but it is a selfish one.

[cushioncuddle]

What's the saying

Don't ask someone to do something that you wouldn't do yourself.

[puzzledlady]

You know what I almost read the full thread but then decided that the gist of it is that you’re so full of yourself - you can’t even see how unreasonable you are. You used your friend when it suited you then blamed your ‘bonafide introvert’ ways in why you rejected her ask. You tell yourself whatever you need to in order to feel better about yourself, whatever helps you sleep at night - the truth is you’re just not really that good a friend. Sorry.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

You are making it clear to her that you are not concerned about her feelings.

[L0kiWh0]

My sister didn’t talk to me for 6 months when I turned down her invitation to be her bridesmaid. I’m an introvert too but the reason I couldn’t do it wasn’t because I ‘couldnt Be arsed’ - I just couldn’t have handled people looking at me or having photos taken of me without being in a state of panic (also the reason me and dp have been ‘engaged’ for 12 years but not married)
It’s only when she realised that by being her BM My anxiety would most probably have ruined her day (bridesmaid does a runner from the church, anyone?) that she forgave me and actually invited me to her wedding.

Yanbu to choose to decline but yabu if you think the reason you have given is acceptable.

[hanbanbea]

I guess it's a matter of perspectives.

I think you're saying you did your friend a favour by asking her to be a bridesmaid, I wonder if that is her interpretation of this.

Basically, being a bridesmaid is doing a favour to someone you love. It doesn't matter if you're paying for the dress, though this does make it a little easier for people.

If you expect someone to do this for you but aren't willing to reciprocate there is an issue/disconnect with the friendship. Either do it and sort this out later or have an honest conversation.

[buckeejit]

Yabu. What do you think makes a good friend. If she got sick would you think 'I can't be arsed visiting/supporting her'?

[MovingThisYearHopefully]

I can definitely see my ASD daughter viewing things this way. I have ADHD myself OP so no judgement here. I view it as everyone else was invited to a bunch of different meetings to learn "the rules" & I wasn't. Its damn frustrating, but glaringly obvious to me that perhaps you weren't invited either!

[Sparklesocks]

Why do some people think they can toss out the ‘im an introvert’ card to justify shitty behaviour?

[MauraIsles]

It really upsets me when people jump on these sorts of threads and immediately chuck out the ‘autism card’ it’s so wrong and completely disrespectful to people who are autistic. autism isn’t someone being an arsehole towards someone else, it’s a medical condition fgs!

[Losingthewill1]

One word - selfish

[SusieQ5604]

I wouldn't want to be your bridesmaid OR your friend.

[oldbirdy]

Mauraisles
I'm fully aware of what autism is. It isn't any single behaviour. It is a difficulty with flexibility of thought and with social communication and interaction. It's a different neurology rather than anything medical per se.

Whether you like it or not, OP's writing style and perceptions make it a valid question. And trust me I know what I'm taking about.
In what way is it offensive to autistic people to suggest that someone who seems to have misunderstood a cultural imperative and misread a social situation might be on the spectrum themselves? Social misunderstanding is part of what often happens to autists.

[duchessofsussedsex]

You're incredibly selfish. You want your friends to have to sit through your wedding and all you "wedmin" for months and get you don't feel that you should reciprocate. Wow. You are both unreasonable and very selfish.

[saoirse31]

You're not really much of a friend are you? Very selfish and unpleasant behaviour.

[Downtheroadfirstonleft]

I don't think you're particularly unreasonable to not want to be a bm, but your justifications are so self righteous, that you're coming across as rather an arse...

[user1483644229]

I heard only one thing here OP and it is total focus on yourself and how you feel. You are being very very selfish. We all have to do things in life for our friends that we might not want to do but we know it will make them happy and that is one aspect of friendship. You need to get over yourself a little bit before you put a dampener on what should be exiciting times for your friend.

[MeggyD]

I'm with you in that being a bridesmaid sucks and I won't ever do it again. But the didn't have any bridesmaids. As she was hours and helped you, I do think you're being a little.

[Ixnayonthehombre]

You are either on the autism spectrum and don't know it, or you are a hideous narcissist. Unlike you, I actually am a 'bone fide' introvert. I've always hated weddings from refusing to play a part in wedding games in the playground, to even wearing dresses as they've always drawn uncomfortable attention to myself. The focus on public romance of a wedding day genuinely makes me feel awkward, and I feel uncomfortable even watching people say their vows. But when I'm invited to a wedding I don't let any of that show. A friend recently asked me to be her bridesmaid and I died a little inside, but I also genuinely felt honoured and told her so, and have faked all the excitement that goes along with it and gone through the motions and I'll walk down the aisle pretending I'm not uncomfortable because she's my friend and it's about her not me. If you can't put yourself out for someone you felt a good enough friend to be your own bridesmaid you don't deserve hers, or anyone else's friendship.

[Jenwen22]

I think YABU. Very. I'm an introvert, I don't like socialising, parties, ECT. The thought of getting married myself n being the centre of attention makes me very uncomfortable. however if a close friend asked me to be a bridesmaid I'd suck it up, do what I needed go do and help her as much as I could. Because that's what friends do. Decent friends anyway, because the wedding isn't about u it's about her and real friends would understand that. Your just incredibly selfish. There's a difference

[Alpacanorange]

Just get on with it fgs it’s not that big of problem, she is not asking you to pay for her wedding is she?

[tangoed2]

Wow, you sound like a delight!