for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

[MrsEfff]

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

[Lalala89]

Wow. I'm afraid I have nothing positive to say about this.

Your poor friend!

YABVU

[flowery]

”I have gently advised that it won’t be possible.”

That’s odd. It sounds like it is perfectly possible, you just don’t want to.

I’m a massive introvert. Sometimes you just have to suck it up and do things you’re not comfortable with because that’s the right thing to do.

[ShatnersWig]

On another thread the OP said this:

I don’t care if someone doesn’t like me. All it tells me is that they have poor taste, and often some kind of issue of their own

This, coupled with the attitude displayed by the OP on this thread, suggests that people who don't like you possibly have very good taste and the issue is most definitely not with them.

[Satsumaeater]

Just read the first page of comments and am quite surprised everyone thinks you should be a bridesmaid. Yes it's an honour to be asked but it's not something you have to do. I've only been one once, when I was a teenager, and it was fun but that doesn't mean everyone wants to do it all of the time.

If she has other friends who will be bridesmaid why does she need the OP?

As for putting yourself out - maybe the friend liked being a bridesmaid. In which case she wasn't putting herself out.

[LoniceraJaponica]

You don’t really have a valid reason for refusing other than not wanting to have you?

I really dislike it when people use the “introvert” card to get out of doing something they don’t want to do. We all have to do things outside our comfort zones from time to time. So get a grip.

How much support does a bride actually need? Just turn up on the day in a pretty dress and smile for the photographer. Job done.

[ShatnersWig]

@Satsumaeater I think it's more the OPs attitude than her actual decision that's got people's backs up.

[CoughLaughFart]

Just read the first page of comments and am quite surprised everyone thinks you should be a bridesmaid. Yes it's an honour to be asked but it's not something you have to do. I've only been one once, when I was a teenager, and it was fun but that doesn't mean everyone wants to do it all of the time.

If it was just a case of ‘My friend has asked me to a bridesmaid but I really hate the thought of doing it’, people might be responding differently. But the OP felt she could ask this woman to do it for her only a few months ago. Essentially saying she can’t be arsed to do the same in return isn’t being very fair.

[thecatsthecats]

Satsuma

In all honesty, if my bridesmaid gets engaged, she will likely pick me as a bridesmaid (she's not obliged to, but she's such a kind person that I can't imagine her doing something like not having someone back). And I would be so honoured but be thinking 'arrrrrgh - just did a year of my own wedding, now need to do a year of hers'.

And I would say that on here, and to my fiance. And I would do my damndest to give her as good a time as she did for me.

It's not the task, it's the OP's shitty atitude towards doing it that's the problem.

[Lydiaatthebarre]

I think you're being very hurtful towards your friend. Just because your wedding is over and done with, doesn't mean that she'd not equally excited about hers.

Even if you feel 'done' with weddings, sometimes you have to put on a show of support for those who are good friends and have supported you in the past.

There are lots of unmarried women who find weddings boring and would hate the idea of being a bridesmaid. It really is nothing to do with whether you are married or not.

Also you do realise that there were probably many people at your own wedding who have been to dozens of weddings over the years and came to yours out of good manners and a wish not to insult or hurt you? I think it's time for you to do the same.

[RayRayBidet]

Jesus op, you could at least have made something up about why you didn't feel you could do it. It would have spared your friend finding out that you cba.
If I was her I would feel hurt, because basically you are saying her wedding isn't important to you. Maybe it isn't and it's true that other people's weddings aren't that great but most people just suck it up and help celebrate.
Nothing wrong with not feeling you want to be a bridesmaid and that someone else would do a better job etc but if you told her what you wrote here I expect she feels very hurt.
Can't say I blame her.

[Iseverynametaken]

Yes your BU and a bad friend. If you were a decent one you would want to be there for her on her big day. Realisitically everyone knows its a bit of a faff being a BM yes it can cost money and time but we who love our friends do these things. You even more so for the fact your friend gave up her own time for you. If I were you were my friend I would cool the friendship and leave you with your wedding photos with myself included as a constant reminder of your selfishness. If everyone you know is telling you YABU and your stilll having to ask its a bit sad...

[BrandiAlexander]

Wow. Just.... wow. This person is meant to be your friend. How sad that just because you're married now you can just dispose of friends so easily. "I'm married, I don't need you now. Laters."

I've been a bridesmaid seven times. Not once have I ever thought "eh, cba" I've always been happy for my friends who are getting married. Always. But maybe I value friendships differently to you.. My friends mean something to me. Their happiness means something to me. I've been so excited to be asked all seven times. And two of those weddings were only one week apart and in different countries and not once did I think "nah, too hard."

I'm also what people consider an introvert, but you know what, the day isn't about me. It's about the couple getting married. Sure, I've had to walk down the aisle and had people look at me. I've had to be in photos and all that jazz. But you know what, nobody really pays attention to the bridal party, it's about the bride and groom. Not you, no matter what role you are in the wedding as bridal party, guest, speechmaker etc. Nobody remembers those people, so no, don't use the fact you're an "introvert" to be an excuse here. It doesn't cut it.

And to those who keep saying "bridesmaids are meant to be/traditionally unmarried" well, times change. The world moves on. Traditions change. Back in the day brides were meant to be virgins too. Back in the day women got married to go from being under ownership of their father to ownership of their husbands. That's tradition. Not getting married because you're in love with your husband. Shall we bring these traditions back too?

[tinyradish]

Yabu & selfish. What a lively friend you are!

[ittakes2]

Wow - your poor friend is under the impression from you asking her to be your bridesmaid that you consider her a friend. You clearly do not. Well if you do, you are not a very good one! She should ditch you and find someone who wants to be a good friend to her.

[londonrach]

Yabu and selfish. Are you like that to everyone else including new husband. You going to be lonely if you keep acting as this. Grow up and become a proper friend.

[cece]

Wow. I'd be upset if I was your friend.

It was a long time since I got married/was a bridesmaid but it's not really much of an effort is it?

Go dress shopping.
Have hair and make up done.
Wear dress for day.
Pose for some photos.

Or has something changed?

[Smallpoppy]

While this may seem the like the right decision now for you not to accept your friends bridesmaid invitation - I would encourage you to come back and read this thread in 12 months time and reflect on whether you think you made the right choice. You risk losing a beautiful friendship and possibly others within your friendship circle - is that what you really want? You asked when did prioritising your next chapter become wrong? I hope for your sake that friendships are a priority to you after you get married, otherwise it would be a very sad, lovely existence. Beautiful friendships are rare and she thinks highly enough of you to ask you to be part of her special day. I have been married for nearly 20 years and while I have a wonderful husband and family, I wouldn't know what to do without my beautiful friends. Kindness matters, peace out!

[Smallpoppy]

*lonely

[Nightwatch999]

Introvert yet here you are opening up about what an absolute bitch you are too your friend?

[OlennasWimple]

Just go and be her matron of honour and don't be selfish

Imagine how you would feel if she had DC before you and couldn't be bothered coming to your DC's christening because they had "done" kid stuff

[VoiceOfCommonSense]

Just so you know, this has been picked up by the Australian press who have it up on the 9 Honey website. Another case of lazy “journalism”. Nothing to write? Oh well I’ll just find what’s trending on mumsnet and make my story about that..

[Mummyof0ne]

You sound a very cold person

[Gettingbackonmyfeet]

Honestly it's entirely your choice and your reasons I find expectations in these things odd and ridiculous

But

Own up to being selfish don't try to justify it
You're seeking validation which makes me think less of you , if you don't want to do it don't do it , accept there will be a fallout and some will view you as selfish

If you can't be a grownup and own that then yes yabu

You don't have to go but stop asking for validation from anyone for your reasons