for not wanting to be my Bridesmaid’s Bridesmaid?

[MrsEfff]

Apologies if this is a little long, I’m feeling ranty This is a bit about the above and a bit about social expectations around this kind of thing in general.

Background: My friend just assumed that I would be one of her bridesmaids (I found out when I got informed what day we were going BM dress shopping!), and I have gently advised that it won’t be possible. Despite how rude I found her assumption she is ordinarily a very well-intentioned person and I didn’t actually want to hurt her. She has other bridesmaids already so I’m not leaving her devoid of assistance.

I know for some the answer will be an automatic ‘YABU’ - I’ve had that reaction from most people already. This is why I’m asking really, I am aware that I’m considered quite selfish with my time and energy (bonafide introvert) but I didn’t think my opinion on this particular topic was so unusual?! Men and women alike have GASPED in horror when I said I didn’t want to be my bridesmaid’s bridesmaid.

I’d happily never be a bridesmaid again to be honest, but also I’m only a few months out of my own wedding and just want to enjoy being a newlywed with no damn ‘wedmin’ to deal with.

I also saw a comment on a wedding/baby thread yesterday (not meaning to offend anyone involved with this reference) implying that the friend wasn’t good because ‘they probably felt they’d done weddings’ - and I thought, well yes, she has done her wedding and she is under no obligation to ‘do’ anyone else’s?? Traditionally bridesmaids were unmarried women, acknowledging that married women were now onto the next chapter of their lives! I’m not saying it should have to be that way, but when did prioritising your own next chapter become wrong?

I expect that friends will generally be happy for me when I announce that something I want is happening, but I certainly do not expect them to go bananas or be involved. If I invite them be involved I’m content with being turned down. I decided to have a bridesmaid for practical purposes and I asked only what was necessary of her as I feel that being a bridesmaid is doing someone a real favour, she also got a choice in everything, which we paid for, for the same reason.

Is this really so odd? To believe that no one is obliged to dedicate themselves to your life event unless they are literally involved (eg; your fiancé)?

I’m delighted for her, looking forward to the wedding (if I get an invitation now!), have said I’m happy to offer advice, have thought of a great gift etc, but I just don’t want to be a flippin’ bridesmaid and I don’t see why that’s such a scandal.

Thoughts?

[Treacletoots]

Of course you don't have to be her bridesmaid! I think you've every right to say no. Can you remember the campaign 'just say no!' oh wait that was about drugs, not something that's supposed to be a nice thing, that FRIENDS do for each other.

You're clearly only a friend when it involves other people doing the work or making the effort

Do your friend a favour and crawl back up your own arse because that's clearly where you've been living for the last X years.

[SoupDragon]

There are many good reasons not to be a bridesmaid for a friend. “Can’t be arsed” isn’t one of them.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Um I think there are many reasonable reasons to turn down being a bridesmaid - couldn’t you come up with one?

Wanting to concentrate on being a newly wed is just so...odd.

[eddielizzard]

I'm an extreme introvert. You don't want to put yourself out for your friend, even tho she's just done it for you. Yes, you were considerate of her time, but she was your only bridesmaid and you'll be one of many. Your 'workload' will be low.

Do it for your friend. Otherwise expect your friendship to never be the same again.

[fieryginger]

I read this as "I'm so important that you can be my bridesmaid, but you're not that important, in my life, for me to give you the time and effort - I can't be arsed and I don't value our friendship that much, that I will suck it up for one day".

I think there's more to this, if you're being completely honest.

Yabu.

[Danteinferno]

Sounds like she’s had a lucky escape. You’re just selfish and a horrible friend. I wouldn’t want you at my wedding at all with that attitude, you’d probably spend the whole day complain what a pain in the assvitvwas to have to sit through a wedding again as you’ve already done yours.

Let’s hope when your next big life event happens (like a baby) your not expecting your friend(s) to care. Can’t see them bothering with you now. Especially if they’ve already had a baby how dull it would be to go through babymin again

[TheRealHousewife]

I think the OP has some security and self esteem issues. She’s happy to attend as a guest and a newly married couple. But can’t bring herself to be available for her friend for the pre wedding stuff and partake on the big day. Happy to hang off her hubbies arm but not her friends dress train. You sound a conceited selfish nightmare tbh. And you call yourself friends ... better add in deluded too.

[AriadnePersephoneCloud]

Yeah I think you're selfish and I'm glad I'm not your friend. Glad YOU enjoyed your wedding though

[nicebitofquiche]

you say your post is about expectations of others and you're being unselfish in turning her down. Bollocks. You're being selfish. You can't be arsed to be bridesmaid. That's selfish. She doesn't deserve you as a friend.

[MinecraftHolmes]

I don't know. I think "can't be arsed" is a pretty good reason not to be a bridesmaid. Why would you want anyone who can't be arsed?

[EmeraldVillage]

I’d be really hurt if I were your friend in these particular circumstances. And probably would start pulling away from you.

YABU in case that wasn’t clear

[artemisdubois]

It sounds like you're reveling in the fact that you're such a selfish and shit friend. You'd have been shunted out of any friendship group I've ever been part of for that alone.

Saying 'no' to being a bridesmaid needn't be the end of a friendship, but your attitude probably will be.

[SpottingTheZebras]

I think this is going to be one of those threads where everyone says YABU and you refuse to believe it.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you should. You clearly aren’t a good friend and she deserves much better. This has nothing to do with being an introvert and all to do with you not wanting to bother.

[zen1]

Do you understand the reciprocity of friendship?

[bevelino]

I have never heard of anyone concentrating on being a newlywed. What does that even mean in this day and age. This must be a wind up.

[SoupDragon]

Why would you want anyone who can't be arsed?

If they can’t be arsed, they aren’t a friend. A friend is someone who can be arsed to out themselves out for you.

[Hanyu]

Dear Friend,

The reality is I can't be arsed being bridesmaid at your wedding and you really do deserve someone who actually gives a shit about you to be part of your special day.

Hope you understand,
OP

😂

[Decemberly]

she should absolutely have BM’s who can commit to her wedding in the way that she wants and needs

From what have described you CAN commit to her wedding but are choosing not to because you just cannot be bothered. That is entirely your choice, but please don’t try to justify it as anything else or be surprised that virtually everyone considers you selfish. Actions have consequences - you’ll get what you want by not having to be involved, but I wouldn’t expect the friendship to be undamaged. Being her BM and repaying the help and support you were shown really will add up to only a small amount of your time in the grand scheme of things, but the hurt caused to your friend by your refusal is likely to remain for a long time.

[BuntyII]

You sound incredibly patronising. Being a BM is only for the pathetic little unmarried people with nothing better to do? You were happy for your friend to put herself out and run around after you so you should have returned the favour.

By the way, you aren't a newlywed anymore, your wedding is over, get over it and get on with life.

[limescaleAHHHHH]

What has the bride said?

[TheHodgeoftheHedge]

I agree with everyone else - you really are a selfish arse.

[Girlsnightin]

I don't think you should do it as youd be horrible at it!

Your life hasn't changed now you are married, it's all the same shit but you've got a ring.

Agree with self esteem issues. I feel you want to be in the gang of married couples all on the married couples tables and are miffed as you'll be separated by the top table.

Jeeeeez. 1950s called, they want their outdated opinions back!

[thatmustbenigelwiththebrie]

I am introverted and very shy but when my friend recently asked me to be her maid of honour I was so touched and honoured that I will overcome all that and do the best I can. Because she's my friend, I'm happy for her and want to be a part of her day. I think you sound rather self-centred.

[Bobbybear10]

You shouldn’t have asked her to be your bridesmaid if you knew you wouldn’t return the favour.

Your reason for not doing it is very odd. Wanting to concentrate on being a newlywed

You need to call it what it is, be truthful and say you can’t bothered with the extra hassle.

It does make you a CF though and not a very nice person.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You haven’t bothered to turn around to your friend and explain you would have difficulty being in the spotlight and although it is an honour to be asked, you are unsure / apprehensive.

You could have negotiated the role you would play and ask that you be relatively minor as she was at your wedding.

You could have done all sorts of things to soften the blow to your friend.

But you didn’t and I can only conclude that you seriously lack emotional intelligence.