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To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

(546 Posts)
1981m Wed 29-Aug-18 10:26:36

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

araiwa Wed 29-Aug-18 10:27:57

Pay for your own party cf

LegoPiecesEverywhere Wed 29-Aug-18 10:28:43

No absolutely not ok to ask people to pay for the caterers. Pay for the food and if you must ask people to bring their own alcohol.

SilverHairedCat Wed 29-Aug-18 10:29:21

Nope, CF.

farfallarocks Wed 29-Aug-18 10:30:05

It’s pretty crass but sounds like the done thing in your circle of friends so probably fine?

1981m Wed 29-Aug-18 10:30:19

Ps- people wouldn't be able to pick their own food options. Everyone has to have the same and so would be easier if I picked it I think. Whereas at other meals we ve been able to pick what we want.

Would it be better to say BYO to drinks instead? Which would be nicer and make it a special occasion more for dh? Don't want any issues regarding money when there.

Also, my parents normally ask £20 per couple for friends staying there. Dh says we should pay that for everyone too. So with that and food and drink it's very expensive for us. What do you think?

Justmuddlingalong Wed 29-Aug-18 10:30:45

We are providing the house, no. Your parents are.

Numberofthemouse Wed 29-Aug-18 10:30:49

Would not attend if asked to pay. Really cheeky!!

kaytee87 Wed 29-Aug-18 10:30:51

It's not ok to ask this. Completely different in my eyes to going out to a restaurant for dinner and it being clear everyone is paying for their own choices but you're choosing the caterers and meals then expecting people to pay.

AvonCallingBarksdale Wed 29-Aug-18 10:31:10

No, don’t ask people to pay for food if you’ve invited them shock!! If it’s at s house they’ll surely come prepared with drinks and if they afk what they should bring ask for a bottle, but don’t invite and ask them to pay for food confused

LegoPiecesEverywhere Wed 29-Aug-18 10:31:10

We are providing the house and facilities

No you are not. You are using your parents holiday home which costs you nothing

Amanduh Wed 29-Aug-18 10:31:39

No you can’t ask for money

AvonCallingBarksdale Wed 29-Aug-18 10:32:20

This has made my toes curl actually 😂

kaytee87 Wed 29-Aug-18 10:32:21

So with that and food and drink it's very expensive for us.

If it's too expensive then you don't do it. You don't expect your guests to fund a fancy party for your husband.

Batmanwearspants Wed 29-Aug-18 10:32:33

If you don’t want to pay for people’s food I think you’re better off going to a restaurant.

I’d be a bit miffed if I had to pay for food I had no say in and it was just at someone’s house. It sounds like a interesting idea but I think you need to pay.

Showpony2 Wed 29-Aug-18 10:32:34

That’s so bad OP. If you invite the guests you need to feed them, without charge. If you can’t afford it don’t do it.

BarbaraofSevillle Wed 29-Aug-18 10:33:03

In those circumstances, no I don't think it is right to ask others to pay. If you can't afford to, or don't want to pay £25 pp for caterers, look for a cheaper option.

How about Cook, Waitrose or M&S dinner party food if you don't want to make it yourself? You'd get a lovely meal for well under £25 pp and just buy cheese in the supermarket. The caterers will put a huge mark up on a cheese board for simply unwrapping it and serving next to grapes, crackers and pickles. No effort at all to just do this yourself.

Maybe encourage people to bring booze for a celebratory meal as part of the planning for the weekend.

Twotailed Wed 29-Aug-18 10:33:09

I don’t mind paying my own way at birthday meals and I would be fine with being asked in this situation. For me it would be more important to have a lovely celebration with family and friends, and if that meant paying my way then so be it. Parties aren’t just for the wealthy, and it’s part of being in a community or family that you chip in sometimes!

I do think you need to let people know in advance - so they can budget and prepare.

Paying for the drinks would be a lovely gesture IMO.

Sparklesocks Wed 29-Aug-18 10:33:26

I would pay for it at a restaurant, but not at a home.
I would suggest getting a cheaper buffet option or cooking and asking people to bring a bottle, I have never paid for a meal at a friend's home.

wink1970 Wed 29-Aug-18 10:33:48

If you are hosting, them I'm afraid that means you need to host. That means paying for the food & drink and the cost of the venue.

I agree it's slightly different if (a) going to a restaurant, or (b) an informal BYO bbq. A 'proper' party though = you shoulder the cost.

PalePinkSwan Wed 29-Aug-18 10:33:50

It’s normal to pay for yourself at a restaurant but very odd to ask people to pay at a house. Better to ask everybody to contribute a dish or bottle if you really can’t afford it.

LegoPiecesEverywhere Wed 29-Aug-18 10:34:21

Cross post. Your parents charge you when you have friends to stay? The apple does not fall far from the tree.

1981m Wed 29-Aug-18 10:34:51

It's hardly CF we are inviting them down for an entire weekend to a house in a well sort after area. We would pay for food OR drinks.

In our circle of friends whenever we have been out for meals for special occasions we have always paid for food. The last one the hosts paid for all drinks. It's normal and no one battered an eyelid.

No need for nasty comments, simply asking for advice.

It would cost us something. Dh said we should pick up the £20 per couple to stay there the weekend my parents charge. So £60.

StayAChild Wed 29-Aug-18 10:34:53

I definitely wouldn't ask for money towards the catered meal, no.
I would half expect some of the guests to bring wine/drinks towards the rest of the weekend but I would insist on the main event being on you.

GoatWoman Wed 29-Aug-18 10:36:00

Just no. You cannot ask people to pay for food at your house!

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