To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

Friend of ours tried to do this. Oh the rep they got after it!

Tight
Grabby
Show offs
Misers
Money doesn’t buy you class

Etc etc. They were well known for trying to get one past their friends. They were legendary for being really tight with money but were quite well off.

Yuk!

Glad you’ve come to your senses.

I think I would find that very acceptable what Frogpond suggests.

Ask the guests to bring cereals/special food they want for their kids for the weekend and it would be a good idea to have a take away for the adults the other evening, paid for by each couple. You could take staples like milk, bread, butter and something like the makings of bacon sandwiches for the first breakfast. Can't imagine anyone being offended by that.
Hope you have a great time.

Going to a restaurant IS different. People expect to pay for their own meal unless the host has pre-said they'll pick up the tab.

I can’t get my head around your parents tapping you up for £60 for their own son-in-law’s do!!!!

Honestly OP this is so cringy. Just cook yourself - one chilli, one curry and a load of rice and bread.

I would be perfectly polite if a friend asked me for money but would then simultaneously assume they were on their arse financially and/or spectacularly tight.

If he didn't want a fuss, does he even want a full weekend with a load of people?

I think you have come to the best decision OP, as you say people will probs bring there own drinks anyway or you could get an online shop at the satrt of the weekend for bits like bacon and bread for breakfasts, ham and cheese for lunches and treats for the kids and between you choose what booze you want. If you do it together it might work out cheaper as places like sainsburys often do 6 bottles of wine with 25% off so bulk buying could work out better. You can also often find discount codes.for 1st time customers and save even more (you might need to set up a new account with a different email of you already have one). Then just split the cost 4 ways

I also want to know what a nice house in a sought after area means?

3 bed semi in Pinner? Baronial castle on an island? What?

I don't think you can ask friends to pay for a 3 course meal that they can't even choose for themselves! £25 per head is not that much for a 3 course dinner with cheeses, however I'd be really pissed if I couldn't choose what I wanted to each and then didn't like the meal after paying out for it.

Why not tell them you're thinking about going away for the weekend, that if you do you'd love for them and their DC's to join you, there would be no cost for the accommodation but you're also planning to invite X & Y so thought everyone could maybe chip in for food and drink for the weekend and just get a take away for DH's birthday (which you pay for). You can still all sit down together to eat, but everyone would be able to choose what they want. It's also far more relaxing and less stuffy than a formal meal provided by caterers.

Just an idea

Spam Valley?

"I will say again it's not free for us. It will be £60 to pay for staying there to start with." - If your parents charge you $60 to stay there, I wouldn't be speaking to the parents, let alone staying there. One gets the impression that your parents are greedy and you are following in their footsteps. My parents would never, NEVER charge me to stay at their house or hold a party there.

You need to pay for your own party.

Ask for people to bring a bottle if you must.

£60 is fuck all

It's different having a meal cooked in the home for your guests and all choosing to go out for a meal.
You really need to pay for the house and that meal.
£60 is a very small amount to pay for a venue so you are not being generous there just lucky.

Yes say bring your own drinks , kitty to buy food for breakfast but you are hosting a party with a meal so you should pay.

Clearly to the parents, who appear to be living beyond their means, it is!

I can’t get my head around your parents tapping you up for £60 for their own son-in-law’s do!!!!

I know, so tight 😂 must run in the family

When we've done shared holidays ( had to pay for the accommodation though, we don't have parents with nice hol homes in 'nice' areas) - everyone has BYOB to share and we have a groceries 'kitty' that each family put money into for the food shopping. Covers basic food, bread, milk, more booze etc. For a week long holiday 2/3 of us cooked for everyone each night with the shared food. When we went to a restaurant we split the bill. I'd imagine that your friends would be happy to chip in to general food and drinks. but not caterers.

Why are your parents charging you? That is bizarre.

If your husband didn't want any fuss, why not order a takeaway and have more relaxed, informal meal? With the money you save you could provide some drink as well.

If he didn't want a fuss, does he even want a full weekend with a load of people?

I know, a weekend away with 3 other couples, their kids and a catered meal is quite a big fuss.

I think you've arrived at the right answer.

If you make it clear the special dinner is part of the invitation, they should bring gifts of wine etc automatically, though having some 'spare' is probably a good idea. Asking specifically for BYOB (to share and go with the dinner obvs - they may need to co-ordinate) is fine too.

Would your parents not waive their fee, given the occasion? Are there actual costs to them of you staying?

Presumably catering for the rest of the weekend is shared between the couples? Depending on how you arrange this, if you're there for three days and each couple is doing one dinner (and the fourth couple something else), then this is 'your dinner' and a is just a bit fancier than the others. If you're doing one online shopping order split four ways, that doesn't work but, you need less over all, as this dinner is covered.

No OP.

Now we've sorted the cost issue ;-)

Are you going to be able to choose a menu all will eat?! Thinking of my friends, I'd be hard pushed to find a meal that all would genuinely enjoy. I mean, people will make the most, push it around the plate....but a set menu with no choice always makes me feel meh.

This is very cheeky, if you are hosting, you pay, if you cannot afford to, don't have the party. I celebrated my 40th at a venue that catered for occassions, a buffet would be provided, plus on that night, a live ABBA tribute. So it was £30, people were happy to pay their way. But if I am hosting in my home, I pay.

Maybe the £60 is for the rental of a sea-plane to get everyone on to the exclusive island?

Why are people apparently shocked and surprised when people actually answer the question on AIBU?