To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

I suppose I see it differently to you dowager!
I'm pretty easy-going by nature and this situation wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

I'm just coming at it from how I'd handle it (and I suspect many others are, too).

I couldn't bear to ask my friends for money, if they were coming to help us celebrate one of our birthdays.

I keep changing my mind on this one but actually I don’t think it’s that bad to ask everyone to contribute. Yes it’s for your husbands bday but it’s a nice opportunity for everyone involved and a chance to have a good weekend away.
If you were cooking it yourself then I don’t think asking for money is appropriate but to frame like you’re eating in a restaurant but in the comfort of your home so it’s £25pp seems reasonable to me. I would definitely explain this in advance though and mention that your providing the drinks ;)

It sounds like it could be a lovely weekend. Could your parents provide the house as your DH’s birthday gift, or is that awkward to ask? If it’s awkward, why not ask your friends for no birthday gifts, but £20 per couple towards the house and bring a bottle instead? That way, they are still having a lovely inexpensive break, but contributing to your costs. Why not make a huge lasagne, salads and garlic bread and get some lovely M&S desserts and a cheeseboard? With a few bottles of prosecco and your friends’ alcohol, that would make a really lovely evening, with very little preparation or stress. If my family were invited away by our friends and only asked to contribute £20 and a bottle or 2, I’d be thrilled! They’ll obviously be prepared to pay normal food costs for the rest of the weekend, but perhaps that needs to be made clear to them too.

@Kool4katz I do get invited to many, actually. But I can't imagine the OP gets invited to any at all.

@Kool4katz Or your sister. Greedy cf people rarely do.

It's amazing how fast the newspapers get hold of these threads this is already in the sun

@TheHandmaidsTail It is 6 pages. Not 17!

Well it’s 21 now ...

It would be ok to ask people to Gring a sharing dish of food with them and a bottle but certainly not to pay

I would never ask friends to pay in these circumstances. I understand it may be different in your group of mates, but if we host a party we provide food, drink (and accommodation if necessary) and expect the same from our mates.

I reckon the answer is clear

Don't listen to these free loading glomming phucks, it's absolutely ok to request a few bucks to cover the expense of filling their gullets. You should even have put that in the invitation. If these are your friends they MUST know you're not swimming in money. It's about honoring their close friend on a special occasion. YOU yes YOU are providing the accommodations for them to stay in. Only a free loading grub would try and split hairs and say it's your parents and not you, etc....NO IT'S YOU. Ask and ye shall receive. Don't feel bad or guilty. Good decent people don't mind chipping in for a good cause or a good Time with good working class friends. Any of your friends that would resent you aren't your friends but are selfish free loading pigs. Have a great time. Happy birthday to your hubby.

😂

The free-loaders are the ones that would charge their friends to come to a party.

I think this is incredibly rude to even consider doing, but if it’s normal in your circle of friends then I’m not really sure why you’re even asking us?

IMO it’s your party so you pay. There’s a possibility of a byob that can reduce your cost and isn’t unreasonable socially. If you can’t afford it, don’t do it.

The OP is long gone, so we're really just arguing amongst ourselves at this point.

But 'working class mates' is comedy gold. The OP has a second home (or her parents do) in a sought after area - I don't think she'll thank you for that.

No don't ask them to pay for food or drink 😮 they are your guests! They've travelled to spend the weekend celebrating your DH's birthday. It's different to a group weekend away where everyone has a say in the accommodation, food, schedule etc.

If you invite people to stay for a weekend (even if it's your parents holiday home) it's very bad form to book a group meal without asking them, then charge them for it!

You could get around it by suggesting different food/restaurant options and prices, with an option of party snack food at home.

A few weeks ago
I went away for a weekend to a gorgeous rented country house for a weekend celebration of a friend’s 40 th.
About 16 of us, we shared the cost of everything, got a big Waitrose delivery, cooked and drank and laughed and swam in the lake together all weekend.
It was a really lovely golden weekend, we all loved the chance to spend time together, the strength of connection between friends was delightful.
We’ve all agreed to make it a tradition and do it again next year for no reason other than the pleasure of doing it.
Birthday boy offered to pay for something or other, we all told him not to bother . It was the best weekend of the summer.

@olsieum

That sounds like a brilliant weekend

Sounds lovely Ohyesiam perfect weekend away and no-one has the burden of paying for it all.

I am a bit torn here. Do think that the parents are ok charging a cleaning and utilities usage fee if they allow their DC's/friends to regularly use the holiday cottage unless they really are quite well off, why should they pay or have to do the work? 3 couples with children will create mess and laundry (did laugh at the poster who didn't think there would be any laundry with just a one night stay...!).

Not sure about the caterers? I think I would have sent out a WhatsApp message to everyone well in advance asking what people would prefer? Caterers - everyone chips in - or a big shop and everyone helps cook or a take away. I do get that you are doing the inviting but that said if the friends are close and love spending time together surely they wouldn't let the host pay for everything? I wouldn't I have to say.

Is there a big present involved too? More expense..

Definitely no. That will cause some resentment as it is really unusual to expect to payin someone’s home and for their celebration. I expect they will be taking presents. Surely that is what is expected.

but that said if the friends are close and love spending time together surely they wouldn't let the host pay for everything?

Of course they wouldn't!

But you still have to at least offer and try to press friend to accept.

It’s true. The people who would be insulted to be handed a bill are actually not freeloading fuckers who would delight in a non spend weekend away, they’d happily offer their share, bring provisions, etc.
It’s the instruction that galls. The careful breakdown of each separate expense, including cleanup costs charged by the hosts own parents...

Perhaps the parents can't afford the cleaning and laundry bill? It means the parents are basically paying for the party venue, doesn't it?

I would do the same. Yes, use my house for free but you will have to pay for the cleaner.

Would you want to wash and iron all that bedlinen, all the towels?

1981m

I think you were very brave to ask your question on MN. Doesn’t matter what the subject matter is, some MNetters will always give you a hard time and be rude...it’s what they do.

Whatever you decide about your weekend party, I hope you have a fantastic time with your DH and friends 💐.