To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

*Ask one couple to do the starter, one the dessert and one the cheese board.

You and DH do the main course as it is your party/idea.

Each couple provides a bottle of wine to go with their course and you & DH provide the extra bubbles to celebrate the birthday.*

this ^^^

Pay for your own party. You have a cheek to even think that what you have been considering is acceptable.

I would take it as being invited on a weekend away, but the vast majority being paid for me. I would be very grateful

What vast majority is being paid for them though?

Sort after.

It’s an outrageous suggestion. So, so wrong.
Your husband didn’t want a party but you’ve forced his hand.
If it’s £20 per couple that your parents house costs then it’s really not going to be sought after. Our tiny little cottage without parking is usually £450 for a weekend. Or do you mean your parents charge you a contribution towards electricity and laundry? Could that not be their present?
Who is paying for the food and drink on the other three nights?
I think a weekend away with shared costs is fine, if it’s framed as “We’ve been offered the cottage for the weekend, would you like to join us - we’ll split food and drink costs but everything else is sorted” You then need an open discussion about the arrangements and how they will be sorted rather than imposing.

This is very different from “You are invited to a weekend house party for Fred’s 40th. I’ve arranged a formal catered meal for his actual party but we need £50 off you for that and we’ll go out for other meals”.

Your party. You pay.

What about you pay for the catered meal, and a few bottles of wine. But only buy a bit of food to get started for the weekend, and have the guests all chip in for a big shop when you get there.

The accommodation and alcohol?

If you pay to stay a weekend in a holiday cottage it's usually the most expensive part surely?

Anyway I would never take offence at this from a good friend. Honestly, £25 for a catered 3 course meal and cheese with very good friends for a celebration - I'd pay that in a restaurant but I'd prefer this set up with the children included in the weekend.

it sounds lovely OP - but you know your friends. My whole group of friends would have no issue at all with this.

Perhaps sound one of them out and see what they think?

No, in those circumstances you pay.

If friends and family decided to take your husband out for a meal, they would pay, including for him.

So they'd be expected to give up a weekend, fork out for petrol to get there, fork out for a present, fork out for food that they can't even choose.....
I'd have turned down your invite. Even if it is in a well-sought after area!!

If you want to throw a party to mark your DH's birthday and invite your friends then YOU pay for the food and drink. That's the way it is. To ask your friends to pay for your DH's party is crass and vulgar.

Another one agreeing that no, you can't ask people to contribute. The host pays for the party. BYOB is fine as this is quite standard.

I think your parents should also offer you the house without payment as it's a special occasion. But that's a different issue.

It sounds like a lovely party set-up in any case and I hope you all enjoy it.

I will say again it's not free for us. It will be £60 to pay for staying there to start with.

I see the point of it being different from going out for a meal.

Anyway decision made- meal and accommodation paid for, drinks BYO.

I agree- I don't think anyone would mind or think twice about paying for a house if it was being held somewhere else. My dsis does it with her friends for all their 40ths. I suppose it's the fact we re using my parents house which makes it different.

Can't believe the nastiness on this thread over a simple question. I was simply asking a question.

In our circle of friends whenever we have been out for meals for special occasions we have always paid for food. The last one the hosts paid for all drinks. It's normal and no one battered an eyelid

This is what we do in my circle of friends.

But charging friends for caterers ina holiday home seems very odd to me. It wouldn’t go down well with my mates.

And DH doesn't want a fuss but now has to go away for the weekend with friends and have a catered meal, spend money on other people... Poor bloke. It sounds like it's all about you wanting to be seen to put on a celebration for him...

And we were simply answering it.

We've been to a lot of celebration parties and not once asked to pay for anything. I wouldn't ask people to pay for something I invited them too. You could suggest people bring something for starter, main, pudding, nibbles etc and arrange who brings what. I imagine most people will bring a bottle, that's what I would do if invited to a house party.

You've invited them to go, you pay, unless you've said it up front in which case then people can make up their own minds about if its a CF thing to do, personally I wouldn't go if it were my friends.

Hey op has taken peoples advice and she’s doing something different. People can ease off a little.

No you can’t ask people to pay for food at a house celebration for YOUR DH. Tell people you’ll do the food and they can bring their own booze. Far more acceptable

I’d be totally fine with this - same as going out for a meal but a lot cheaper!! I would never expect friends to invite us to a house for free & then also pay for everything else it would make me very uncomfortable.
If you were asking them to chip in for the buffet that would be different but really this is a “meal out” without the inconvenience of babysitting. As long as it’s discussed upfront I can’t see why it would be an issue.

I would expect you to pay for the accommodation, food & drinks on the birthday night. I would expect the other 3 couples to contribute to the other days you are there.

3 couples and their kids, that’s maybe 10 people. For the sake of 250 quid you want to look like the ultimate CF? Not worth it, OP.

An entire weekend? Why on earth? A bit exorbitant and way over the top. It is only a 40th birthday. Not a 21st or 50th. It's hardly a milestone. Who has the time to waste an entire weekend on someone turning 40? Also, if you are throwing a party, you should be paying for everything. If you cannot afford every detail, then don't have a party. Yes, you are being very unreasonable. If I had to buy a gift and bring my own alcohol, I wouldn't go.

Just seen your update. Yes, you’re doing the right thing. Enjoy your party OP

NO. Yabu. You invite people to a party then you provide food/drinks. NO WAY would I ask them to pay for a caterer.
Nice of you to say accommodation ( they YOU aren't paying for either ) is 'Free" but they're giving up their time, and travelling to help you celebrate. Maybe forking out for child care too.
I'd be right hacked off.