To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

My fil organised a private dining meal in a hotel (2 hours drive away!!) for my mil's 60th. We all had to pay for a night's stay at the hotel and the meal. He paid for a bottle of wine for the table but no spirits etc. It cost us a fortune and I think it was quite cheeky. They still managed to get 40 people to go. They are quite well off too so it wasn't that they couldn't afford it either. Probably explains why they are rich really.

If you host a party I think you should pay for it, that's my view. I had to go to the overpriced party as it was my husband's mum, anyone else no chance.

I'm probably just annoyed still that we went to all that hassle with a 5 day old baby... and got no thanks.

Do you know all of your friends dislikes/intolerances/allergies etc.

Crikey OP - your own parents are charging you to stay in their own cottage on your husband's 40th? That's tight.
I have no issue paying to go to a restaurant but would be furious if friends were charging me for a meal 'at home' they'd invited me to but you have sorted it all now so there should be no cringing embarrassment on anyone's behalf.
If I go to stay with friends I always make sure I take lots of booze and nice treats not to mention a decent gift for the hosts.

Definitely not acceptable. If they are good friends they will likely offer to pay for some of the meal but you cant invite them and expect them to pay.

No, just no.

My 40th

Barn hire and cleaning fee £200
Band- £550
Booze £300
Glasswear/decorations £150
Buffet- £150 ( just breads, cheeses, ham and pickles etc)
Friends dj’d after the band and everyone brought a bottle even though we had a good supply in reserve.

It wAs amazing and not much change out of £1k

We didn’t charge an enterance fee,

Cancel the cheque OP

This wouldn't be for me.
I'm of the opinion if you can't afford it then don't do it.
I personally would not be happy paying £25 for a meal I have no choice in.
There are certain things I don't eat, which is fine at a buffet but not at a set meal.

I see that you have come to a conclusion now to pay for it. I think you are doing the right thing.

I would pay for the food, at £25ph for 4 courses, it is still cheaper than going to a restaurant and paying for everyone if you did that. (We also usually just arrange a get together for birthdays and people pay for themselves).

I would ask everyone to bring with them what they want to drink themselves, that is what we do in our social circle as no host can be expected to provide everything that everyone drinks.

Provide a good range of mixers/soft drinks and maybe get some prosecco to go with the meal - both tesco and sainsburys recently had an offer with 25% off 6 bottles, and the prosecco I like was £3 off too so I got £10 bottles for £5.25 each which was a bargain.

Provide some nibbles, but you could ask the guests to bring something that they like too, as you get a good variety that way.

I would pay the £60 for the house too, but I do think that your DH's parents could have let him have that for his birthday! Presumably it is to cover cleaning costs, but it is a shame.

BYO is fine.

Asking people to pay towards a party in your home is not.

Personally, if I have something to celebrate BYO is the most I would ever ask of anyone. I don't even agree with going to a restaurant and expecting others to fork out for your celebration. Seems wrong to me. If you can't afford it, cut your cloth and stay classy.

And OP I'm sorry but your parents charging you and your friends to stay at their home for the weekend is obscene. If someone invited me to stay at their parents holiday home for the weekend, and then charged me for the privilege, I would be v fucked off.

When it was my 60th we had a meal out for close family in the day and another at weekend for close friends. I paid for both. Yabu to ask your guests to pay

It totally depends on what your friends are used to doing. I have a group of 6 friends where it's normal to do a bring and share, or get a takeaway in and split the cost or get Just Cook and split the cost. We all bring a bottle.

I have another group where we usually bring drinks and desserts but the host cooks the main course.

Every New Year's Eve one couple hosts a party for 40 people and we all bring a dish and booze. They provide their house as a venue, plates and cutlery and soft drinks. It's always a fabulous party.

You just do what you want, OP. If they're good friends they will just be glad they're getting a cheap weekend away in good company.

OP this is one of the topics MN is weird about (in my opinion!).

I think either is fine depending on a) what your friendship group normally do and b) that you're totally upfront about it beforehand.

Me and my friends are pretty relaxed about this sort of thing too. I wouldn't mind at all if a friend invited me and said how about we all chip in for posh meal, it'll cost £X a head? Or, please bring whatever you like to drink? However I might be surprised if we were asked to pay on the day with no warning.

If a group of people decide to go out for food and everyone chooses what to eat then everyone pays. If the host invites people to a family home (extended family but still family) and then decides to get caterers in and chooses what everyone eats then I think you should pay. It's different to going out

If it's too expensive then you don't do it. You don't expect your guests to fund a fancy party for your husband.
You aren't allowing them any say in what you do/eat etc, so they are guests. Guests don't pay.

We had a fancy party for 25 guests for our 25th in a hotel. We paid for everything, including b&b, dinner, wine and champagne.

It's fine to ask people to bring their own booze imo as everyone likes different things anyway

You can't invite people to eat a meal at your parents' holiday home and then charge them!

@FridayThirteenth but it's only costing the op £20 per couple to her tight parents for accommodation, the guests are all going to have to chip in for food and alcohol for the rest of the weekend too so this plus £50 per couple for catered meal it is costing the guests more to attend than the op to host.

Either pay for it as part of the party or don't have it. CF

No, Mumsnet posters are not “weird”about this. You do not expect your guests to pay. It is poor form.

Sorry but it’s not something I would do. Though the order of money would be for coming from us if we were invited to this sort of occasion.

I think your decision is very generous, OP, and people are being very nasty on here.

I think it's analogous to something like a hen weekend away in a holiday cottage, where (IME) everyone splits the cost of the cottage, there's a food 'kitty' and either one person or small subgroup undertake to do all the catering, or you all muck in and take turns at it. The details are different in your case, obviously, as the cost would largely be for the catered dinner rather than the cottage, but I think the principle is the same.

I also find these responses so odd. I have never in my life attended a celebration (for a friends special birthday no less!) and expected the whole cost to be shouldered by the hosts. Frankly, I think going to an event expecting not to pay for anything is CFery.

The only issue with the original plan is not getting a choice of food, which is why I would lean more towards byob or putting on a nice meal bought in M&S.

I also agree that your parents are pretty crass charging you for a week end party to celebrate their SoniL's 40th birthday. Do they not like him?

why do you parents charge you do they usualy rent it out if youre not there

So everyone saying she's BU, would you not expect to pay if invited to a restaurant to celebrate a special birthday?