To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

Don’t ask for money, seems v unreasonable.. if you want, ask them to bring a bottle ( although most normal people would do that anyway even if not told!).
It’s a small group so doesn’t seem like the cost is that bad .. especially for a 40th. If your circumstances don’t permit then get a cheaper caterer or cook the dinner instead..

Parties aren’t just for the wealthy, and it’s part of being in a community or family that you chip in sometimes

Which is fine if you're invited down the pub or out for a meal when it's clear everyone is paying their own way. To invite people to a holiday home, choose fancy caterers, choose the meal then expect your guests to put their hand in their pocket - not on.

It's akin to having people over for a dinner party, saying you can't be arsed cooking and asking your guests to pay for a caterer.

Go to a restaurant instead. If you are inviting guests for a weekend to celebrate your husbands birthday you need to provide food and drink. What happens the second night of the weekend?

Off topic but I am amused at the malapropisms 'sort after area' and 'battered an eyelid' 🤣 They are new to me!

i think it's ok. if you'd held it at a restaurant people would expect to pay.

I went to a restaurant with a choice of set menus for mine. It was £30 a head and I made it clear I would not be offended if people couldn’t come. However, I paid for all the booze:

3 x glasses of champagne per head on arrival
3 x bottles of red
3 x bottles of white with each replenished 3 times throughout the meal.
Post dinner drinks also.

Everybody invited came.

If your parents charge and you can't afford it then this is not the right option.

I stand by my point. CF.

This is for you, not your friends. Well sought after location or not, it's unpleasant to ask people to subsidise YOUR weekend away.

Or better yet don't pay a caterer, cook yourself and be a gracious host.

Getting on this thread fir general ideas as I'm doing something similar for dhs 40th

We were asked to pay for a party once. People did, but they talked about the cfery of it before, during and after. Still talk about it now almost 10 years later.

Thanks stayachild for nice, helpful advice. Ok we will pay for the meal and food and cost of having them stay and will ask people to BYO. I think they will anyway as they've all been there before and brought drinks.

Sorted.

If your parents aren't willing to gift the weekend you should absolutely be paying the cost of the house. You came up with this, I don't believe it's appropriate to suddenly start asking for £70 per couple for a meal and accomodation costs.

sort after area

Love this! Is it a lot nicer than a sort before area?

No I really wouldn’t charge. It’s not a restaurant meal it’s in your (well your parents’) house.

If you can’t afford a caterer it will be possible to do something really lovely for less.

Wow. Think you are getting a hard time here OP!

I would be fine with this - paying £25 for a whole weekend away for a good friends special birthday? Amazing!

In fact I've done similar and stayed in an amazing large house for my best mates 40th with friends and family. It was a really expensive place, the parents paid half and we split the rest of the cost between us and shared the cost of food and brought drink (parents also supplied a large amount of drink).

If we had just gone out for a meal to celebrate we would have expected to pay so it would faze me at all.

In fact I think all of you expecting a weekend away completely paid for or you wouldn't go and celebrate your friend's birthday are the CFs.

Are your parents honestly charging you for the house? If not you can hardly say you're picking up the tab for that.

I agree with others. if you invite people to a party you pay. For everything. If you can't afford it then change the party plans.

If you say "shall we all go out for dinner at the weekend?" then people will probably expect to pay for themselves in the pub/restaurant. Its completely different.

It's hardly CF we are inviting them down for an entire weekend to a house in a well sort after area.

But you're getting the venue for free, it's not like you're losing money. And they're only coming because they've been invited, you're not giving them a holiday.

In our circle of friends whenever we have been out for meals for special occasions we have always paid for food.

The key word there is out. You're going in for this meal.

You asked if you were BU, people gave you their opinions.

Yikes OP. Next time just go with your husband and have a meal out.

Asking for money is okay if you do it BEFORE they agree to the event. Saying I am organising x it will cost about x are you up for it = fine. Inviting, having people accept and then saying by the way I want x money for x thing you didn’t agree to and now have no way of backing out of = cf.

Asking people to bring drinks is acceptable however.

Sounds linked you’ve arranged it then looked at cost which I think means you should cover them. Alternative would be to have a discussion with guests about catering and see if they would like to hire caterer. This could still irritate but I’m assuming that it’s a self catering weekend so they are anticipating mucking in with some food?

Cheeky bastard. I'm cringing for you that you think it's ok to charge people to come to a party.

We decided not to do a restaurant as dcs invited as it's for a weekend and babysitter would be a problem. I don't think people would want to leave their dc with a stranger.

This is the kind of shit my ex-friends would pull (one of the major reasons they're ex-friends) so that they could appear posh-er than they were. It's cheeky fuckery.

Absolutely not. What are you thinking? Your celebration, you pay.

Parties aren’t just for the wealthy, and it’s part of being in a community or family that you chip in sometimes

Or you just cut your cloth. Parties are about the friends and family getting together for food and drink. Perfectly reasonable to ask people to bring booze, or puddings/cheese if they offer, but the food can cost next to nothing.

If you can't afford £25 ph caterers, don't expect guests to pay for it, make a big slow cooker chilli with nachos, salsa, guacamole, cheese, garlic bread etc. Can probably feed a small crowd for £25 for everyone and people will still have a good time.

We decided not to do a restaurant as dcs invited as it's for a weekend and babysitter would be a problem. I don't think people would want to leave their dc with a strange

So cook dinner or get a takeaway.

There are only 4 couples though so I'm assuming close friends? Bit different from being invited to a large party and being asked to pay.

I would take it as being invited on a weekend away, but the vast majority being paid for me. I would be very grateful!

But maybe I value my friendships and good times away together more highly than most posters here?