To want to speak to my brother about his wedding

[DaphneCrane]

My brother got married on Saturday. My mother felt very left out in The weeks leading up to the event. My parents offered some money and he accepted but it was something for the house he chose to spend money on. Fair enough!
My mother did start asking me about bridesmaids/ushers etc. Finally a few weeks ago my brother came round... he lives 90 miles awy. He asked me how I felt about no kids at wedding. I said that I would be upset but would accept it but I think mum and dad would be devastated. Her niece was chosen as bridesmaid but was leaving before reception. Well off he went to mum’s and a few days later my eldest child was asked to be an attendant. We were told that the outfit could be bought at a certain shop in their home town. Against my husband’s wishes off I trekked to get outfit. Then my brother made noises about my inlaws... could they trek the best part of 100 miles to hold my younger child outside church? My husband at this point wanted to leave kids at home. I refused.
So wedding arrives eldest child really didn’t want to walk down aisle but managed it. Not a squeak out of baby.
Arrived at reception. My husband and children were separated from me and actually put into an orangery type thing attached to the main room. My husband was joined by my cousin’s partner and her child (whose presence another one my mother fought for) and by the bride’s brother in law. He apparently bellowed at cousin’s partner and asked her if she was the one who insisted the kids were invited. My husband pointed out that no that would be his wife. They then sat in silence for two hours just speaking with the kids. No alcohol could be served in this veranda thing. Kids tried to get down so cousin’s partner took them in grounds but was told by maitre d type person speeches were now on so she couldn’t go back in.
Both my mum and I were in tears. My dad wanted to say something to brother but we didn’t let him. My husband went upstairs with kids and stayed there all night not letting anyone relieve him. He is completely pissed off with me saying he wanted to punch arsey brother-in-law of sister-in-law. He is saying to just leave it but I want to talk to my brother. Do people think this was my fault. We are actually still in hotel trying to have a holiday. and my dad is paying.

[Singlebutmarried]

No kids means no kids.

I think your mum should have accepted this.

[Snipples]

I found your post quite difficult to follow really - sorry I don't really get the bit about the kids being asked to be attendants but then not invited to the wedding etc/ put in a side room.

Anyway - a few points - not all weddings allow kids, that's totally up to the bride and groom and I wouldn't be happy if my family were kicking off about my decision tbh so on that front you and your mum are being unreasonable.

Also - lovely that your mum gave them money but totally up to them how they want to spend it.

Your husband sounds like a martyr - staying in room all night and not letting anyone relieve him. His comment about wanting to punch both bride and groom in face is unacceptable tbh.

You and your mother being in tears screams drama llama to me - that's just how it's comes across.

So in essence, while your brother is not perfect, neither are you and your mum. It's sounds like you had unrealistic expectations of how the day would go and are now making a whole drama of things. I would leave it.

Sorry you're upset.

[MidniteScribbler]

He wanted a child free wedding and then you all forced him into something he didn't want.

[IsAnyoneElseMissingCheese]

So you insisted the kids came to a wedding where they didn't want kids?
Your husband was right, the kids should have stayed at home. Not your or your mum's place to dictate how the bride and groom have their wedding. It might be annoying and they would have had to accept it if you couldn't have gone due to childcare but that's their issue.
Seems most of the upset has come from this insistence. Sorry, probably not the answer you were looking for!

[SoddingUnicorns]

Why do people think that a no kids wedding invite means they can bring their kids? It’s pretty self explanatory.

My cousins all had no kids weddings, I didn’t go because there was nobody to have DS1.

[Celebelly]

I don't really understand either. He asked your child to be involved in the wedding but children weren't allowed? Or were they allowed for the ceremony but not for the reception?

[Snipples]

Agreed. We had no kids at our wedding. Now we have a DD and have been invited to weddings where she isn't invited, we get a babysitter or we don't go. No kids means no kids.

[Chattymummyhere]

They wanted a child free wedding, where forced into having children there and now people are upset at the way the children being there was handled?

You/your Mum shouldn’t of be pushing him to change his own wedding. You all knew they wanted no children, they where hardly going to make it a welcome experience when it was not what they wanted and to top it off would of being paying extra for the unwanted guests.

[MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood]

It’s hard to work out who is YABU here.

Your brother was clearly sent by your SIL to tell you all that the children weren’t invited and bottled it due to pressure

They clearly never wanted your child as attendant but offered it as a sop to your mother.

I don’t think those who brought children should’ve been shoved in the orangery that’s very poor hospitality

But if your SIL were to put a version i’m sure she’d say that MILs hysterics forced her to have children at her wedding.

You were unreasonable to cry in the reception

But your brother should have been blunt from the start and in invites that it was a child free wedding with the exception of one bridesmaid

Hideously U of them to expect your PILs to travel and do childcare also

Too many people become ridiculous over their weddings as if it’s the Event to End All Events when it’s exactly like everyone else’s

[LeahJack]

So basically you ruined your brother’s wedding with histrionics?

[Merryoldgoat]

They clearly didn’t want children so I wouldn’t have taken mine. HOWEVER, if they want child attendants then they need to make them welcome. And if they allowed kids, even against their own wishes they should make them properly welcome.

Frankly your brother and his wife showed extreme disregard for their family and treated you poorly.

Personally I’d have left quietly once I realised I was being separated from my family. Weddings are not just about the bride and groom - they should consider the guests’ experience and comfort - that clearly didn’t happen here.

[Celebelly]

Also it makes me cringe when parents 'fight' for the presence of family members or their own friends at their child's wedding. If your brother didn't want to invite his cousin then that's up to him. I imagine he has a reason for doing so.

It was his day and if he doesn't want kids or his cousin there than that's up to him. If you couldn't go because you couldn't get childcare then that's fine, but it seems weird to take your kids to a wedding they weren't invited to and then complain that there wasn't anywhere for them to be? But perhaps I've misunderstood.

[LeahJack]

And your Mum was extremely unreasonable insisting a distant cousin was invited.

[Mookatron]

Sounds like you should've butted out in the first place. Your DH is behaving like a child however (what does 'against his wishes' to get the outfit mean?).

At this stage all you can do is try to enjoy the holiday. You never need see your SIL's BIL again and just leave your H in the room to sulk if he's still at it.

Sounds like they tried to please everyone and pleased none in doing so.

[user1483387154]

You and your mum are both bu to your brother

[LeahJack]

Personally I’d have left quietly once I realised I was being separated from my family.

They didn’t want kids at their wedding. OPs family kicked up a fuss so having an area for kids to be looked after by one parent seems a fair enough compromise.

Crying and making a fuss at a siblings wedding is absolutely unforgivable.

[Snowysky20009]

No kids mean no kids. However, why ask them to be attendants if this was the case? That's where I'm confused. Was it before or after the no kids statement? If before, what did he want, the child at the service, but then disappear? Which is cheeky in my opinion.

[Idontbelieveinthemoon]

I don't understand why Mothers (or anyone who isn't the B or G) feels they deserve any sort of say in another couples wedding. It's their day. If they said no children you and your DM should have listened to and accepted that rule and found alternative provision for children.

I have DC and love no-children weddings. My DC are great fun but weddings with them aren't anyone's idea of a great day out and when invites come without their names on DH and I smile and phone Nanna.

YABU to think you're entitled to an opinion on how they spend the money, and your DH is super-U for even beginning to think he'd like to punch another adult.

[Shoxfordian]

Why did you have to insist on bringing your children when they didn't want any? You're sounding like the unreasonable one

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

It does sound like your DH had the right instinct and predicted trouble.

DM stirred a hornets nest. On the actual day the bride's BIL was speaking (shouting) out of turn, creating a bad atmosphere.

I would be putting this behind you and look to mend the relationship you have with DB and SIL in future.

(Going by Aibu thank goodness people don't tend to have multiple weddings in one lifetime, so many upsets).

[Lethaldrizzle]

I wanted a child free wedding however some people brought their kids out of necessity etc etc. I did not lose my shit over it and had an amazing wedding day. Your brother sounds like a bit of a tool

[MatildaTheCat]

The only really unreasonable thing your brother did was to ask your dc to act as bridesmaid and then do a vanishing act. That’s crap and your DH was right about leaving them at home.

You DM did, unfortunately make things worse by trying to dictate terms. As to your question, what could you possibly achieve by speaking to your brother now? There are two answers that spring to mind: 1. Prolong the bad feeling.2. Spoil his honeymoon period as well as his wedding day being punctuated with tears and drama.

[FizzyGreenWater]

It sounds like a right shitstorm, but to be honest nobody behaved well and you're better off leaving it.

Yes, bride's brother sounds like an absolute twat and his behaviour certainly stands out - but really, leave it.

They didn't want the kids there, they gave in.

People go funny about weddings.

Sorry your mum felt left out.

[Hoppinggreen]

They wanted no children there, you insisted so they stuck them out of the way and nobody was happy.
When yiur brother said no children yiu should have respects that even if you didn’t agree with it

[KreigersClones]

I’m confused. Are you saying your brother asked you to bring your oldest child as an attendant? And then chucked them in the orangery? Surely if they didn’t want kids they shouldn’t have asked one to be involved in the ceremony.