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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to speak to my brother about his wedding

289 replies

DaphneCrane · 02/07/2018 10:38

My brother got married on Saturday. My mother felt very left out in The weeks leading up to the event. My parents offered some money and he accepted but it was something for the house he chose to spend money on. Fair enough!
My mother did start asking me about bridesmaids/ushers etc. Finally a few weeks ago my brother came round... he lives 90 miles awy. He asked me how I felt about no kids at wedding. I said that I would be upset but would accept it but I think mum and dad would be devastated. Her niece was chosen as bridesmaid but was leaving before reception. Well off he went to mum’s and a few days later my eldest child was asked to be an attendant. We were told that the outfit could be bought at a certain shop in their home town. Against my husband’s wishes off I trekked to get outfit. Then my brother made noises about my inlaws... could they trek the best part of 100 miles to hold my younger child outside church? My husband at this point wanted to leave kids at home. I refused.
So wedding arrives eldest child really didn’t want to walk down aisle but managed it. Not a squeak out of baby.
Arrived at reception. My husband and children were separated from me and actually put into an orangery type thing attached to the main room. My husband was joined by my cousin’s partner and her child (whose presence another one my mother fought for) and by the bride’s brother in law. He apparently bellowed at cousin’s partner and asked her if she was the one who insisted the kids were invited. My husband pointed out that no that would be his wife. They then sat in silence for two hours just speaking with the kids. No alcohol could be served in this veranda thing. Kids tried to get down so cousin’s partner took them in grounds but was told by maitre d type person speeches were now on so she couldn’t go back in.
Both my mum and I were in tears. My dad wanted to say something to brother but we didn’t let him. My husband went upstairs with kids and stayed there all night not letting anyone relieve him. He is completely pissed off with me saying he wanted to punch arsey brother-in-law of sister-in-law. He is saying to just leave it but I want to talk to my brother. Do people think this was my fault. We are actually still in hotel trying to have a holiday. and my dad is paying.

OP posts:

MidnightAura · 02/07/2018 12:37

I think you and your mum are being unreasonable. The couple clearly didn’t want a wedding with children and only caved to keep the peace.

Why the tears? For goodness sake, this day wasn’t about your or your Mum! I agree with the poster who said your Husband did not come out of this looking well. Why did he refuse to come down? Sounds quite immature. The brother in law sounds awful.

When I got married I wanted a child free wedding. I didn’t have one because if family pressure. Amd before anyone says what a monster that makes us; it’s because the children involved were a nightmare at another family wedding. Think children lying screaming in the floor, throwing sweets around, guests unable to hear the service (all whilst their parents ignored it) I didn’t want that at my wedding nor did my Husband.

So if your brother and SIL felt pressure to invite children I can understand their frustration. If they felt pressured to invite cousins and cousins children I wouldn’t be impressed if I were them but maybe it depends on your relationships with the people involved. If my mum had insisted I invite my aunt We haven’t seen in fifteen years I wouldn’t budge.

As for the brides niece getting an invite and not your children, I do think that’s not right. But as for her being in the bridal party and not your children, I think that’s a separate issue.

But ultimately why do you want to ha e this discussion with your brother? Doesn’t sound like it will achieve much.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 02/07/2018 12:39

Yabu to not respect their wishes in the first place. I find it odd that you would think your dm would be involved in the wedding planning tbh.

MissVanjie · 02/07/2018 12:45

The bride’s attendants are traditionally women and girls that are close to her. It’s nice to include women and girls that are close to the groom, and in some cases (but not all) these women and girls will also be close to the bride. However none of this is mandatory and you and your mum should have butted out.

I wouldn’t say anything, just put it behind you and let it be a learning moment about meddling and being careful what you wish for.

LeahJack · 02/07/2018 12:47

And why on Earth was your little girl made to be a bridesmaid when she didn’t really want to do it? To please her Gran?

ScattyCharly · 02/07/2018 12:51

I’d definitely leave it. I half understand the no kids thing and half not.

Even if parents are willing and able to leave their kids, often the grandparents will be very, very upset if the bride or groom is one of their kids and the children of another of their kids aren’t invited. They feel like half their family are unwelcome.

I can see as much as the next person that babies and toddlers can be really fucking annoying. But to exclude your own niece/nephew, particularly when it upsets the grandparents is odd imo.

It’s also weird to not allow your friends to attend if they have a brand new baby. We weren’t allowed to bring a 2 week old baby to one wedding. We didn’t bother with the B&G anymore. No falling out, just no point in bothering.

Your dh is right to be pissed about the whole thing, but honestly best forget it, it’s done, chalk it up to experience and remember who is a wanker.

beeefcake · 02/07/2018 12:53

Honestly if you had just respected their wishes and left the children at home this could have all been avoided.

There are so many threads on here of women complaining their future MILs being demanding over their wedding and this is what happens on the reverse side of it.

I think your mother owes them an apology.

beeefcake · 02/07/2018 12:54

And what is the relevance of you describing your DMs gift to them?

ilovepaperchase · 02/07/2018 12:56

Talking to your DB - depends what you want to get out of the conversation and how you would like the relationship to be going forward...

Put aside the emotion and focus on these things.

HollyGibney · 02/07/2018 12:58

So there were tantrums before and during the wedding and now you want to create after too? No, just leave it alone.

SilverySurfer · 02/07/2018 13:01

Sounds like none of you covered yourself in glory, OP. No wonder some couples decide to elope or go to a register office with just two
witnesses.

I see nothing good coming out of discussing it with your DB after the event. In future, if you are invited to a child-free wedding, please don't repeat this debacle.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 02/07/2018 13:04

I think people are getting confused about the brides niece/nephew

They were only attending the ceremony and then leaving and the brides sister was supposed to arrange child care

Following the CFery, brides sister then said “well if Daphne’s children are coming to the reception, then why shouldn’t mine ?”

Bride cornered

Both DHs have behaved childishly, the OPs DH and Brides BIL, though you can bet your arse had they been the sibling of the B or G the wife would have been expected to sit in the orangery without complaint

Because sitting out of something, being solely responsible for children, not drinking, not participating, not having fun. That’s WIFEWORK and that’s why they were both fuming

LeahJack · 02/07/2018 13:06

Because sitting out of something, being solely responsible for children, not drinking, not participating, not having fun. That’s WIFEWORK and that’s why they were both fuming

Um, no. Quite clearly here the siblings who are blood related were asked to step in so the same would have happened if the sibling was a brother. Why make it into something it’s not?

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 02/07/2018 13:08

As I said above the bit you quoted if the roles were reversed and the husbands were the siblings the wives would have been expected to mind the children

DuchyDuke · 02/07/2018 13:08

I think this is your brother and sister in law’s fault for not communicating more clearly that the kids on HIS side of the family would be left in the orangery after playing their part. It seems bride’s sister’s kids were in the event / party so it was obvious there was one rule for her family and another for his.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing if her side was forking out most of the costs, but expectations should have been clearer.

glintandglide · 02/07/2018 13:11

Please don’t make the aftermath of their wedding about you and your mum. You’ll ruin their memories

LeahJack · 02/07/2018 13:11

As I said above the bit you quoted if the roles were reversed and the husbands were the siblings the wives would have been expected to mind the children

Yes. But they weren’t. And the men were expected to do it. So you’re chuntering away about nothing.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 02/07/2018 13:12

I feel there’s an element of that kind of resentment in play, if you don’t that’s fine. There’s no need to be rude about it

FirstOfMyName · 02/07/2018 13:13

No I didn’t realise. I’m Greek so it just wouldn’t be acceptable to have one side & not the other. (As far as I know) that’s why I quoted the wedding where it wasn’t followed as people were not impressed.

OliviaStabler · 02/07/2018 13:13

The issue here is that it wasn't a child free wedding. A child free wedding is just that, no kids. What it actually was was a wedding with only certain children were picked to attend.

That always causes huge issues in my experience. Either no kids or invite kids. One or the other. There is always upset at being left out, not invited etc.

Don't speak to your brother. Nothing good can come of it.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/07/2018 13:13

Who wants to lay odds on Op's poor SIL showing up on MN in the near future, with a thread about what a bunch of cunts she's married into -with a pushy MIL who ruined her wedding by bulldozing over her and her new H's wish for no kids at the reception, and a SIL and BIL who tantrum and cry and sulk and take offence at any suggestion that they and their kids are not the centre of the fucking universe...

Brunsdon1 · 02/07/2018 13:17

Yabu I will never understand why family insists on behaving like this at weddings

The Bride and Groom tried to keep you all appeased, you made a spectacle by crying with your mum in the event (seriously get a grip)
Your DH overreacted and threatened violence and this is after you all (I'm laying an educated guess but I bet I'm spot on) played passive aggressive "mum's not being involved in the wedding planning" game before hand?

You realise you are the in laws people post for help about?

Suck it up...you didn't handle it well and made it all about you

Let it go

slashlover · 02/07/2018 13:17

if OP ever comes back then I'd also be interested in the relative ages of the kids. Looks like DN walked down the aisle with no problems while OPs DC had to be persuaded, and one of OPs children is referred to as a baby. There's a huge difference between a 10 year old (for example)and a 2/3 year old and a baby.

sadie9 · 02/07/2018 13:21

Try and forget about it and enjoy the rest of the holiday. If your parents start bitching about it again, just tell them to focus on the future and try to enjoy themselves. We all make mistakes, no one can get it right in relation to weddings.
You can decide how you feel. You can sit and sulk and be resentful or you can make a decision that you are going to enjoy the holiday for what it is. Might be tough with your Mum around stoking the pot of resentment and 'after all we did for....' but do what you can.

CloudCaptain · 02/07/2018 13:22

Are you married OP? How did that go? If not perhaps you could get married soon and let your Mum have her special day.

Nomorechickens · 02/07/2018 13:26

Your brother doesn't care about his family. He probably wouldn't have been bothered if none of you had gone. His bride wasn't interested in getting to know you or having you there, only her own family.
Maybe there is a history of bad relationship between your brother and your parents, or maybe it's the influence of his bride. If they split up he might come back (this happened to my cousin with his 2nd wife), but I would just leave it.
FWIW, on the information provided you and your parents sound like a normal nice family and your brother, not so much.
And as for couples who want child free weddings which exclude relatives with children, I would have a low opinion of them.

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