To want to speak to my brother about his wedding

[DaphneCrane]

My brother got married on Saturday. My mother felt very left out in The weeks leading up to the event. My parents offered some money and he accepted but it was something for the house he chose to spend money on. Fair enough!
My mother did start asking me about bridesmaids/ushers etc. Finally a few weeks ago my brother came round... he lives 90 miles awy. He asked me how I felt about no kids at wedding. I said that I would be upset but would accept it but I think mum and dad would be devastated. Her niece was chosen as bridesmaid but was leaving before reception. Well off he went to mum’s and a few days later my eldest child was asked to be an attendant. We were told that the outfit could be bought at a certain shop in their home town. Against my husband’s wishes off I trekked to get outfit. Then my brother made noises about my inlaws... could they trek the best part of 100 miles to hold my younger child outside church? My husband at this point wanted to leave kids at home. I refused.
So wedding arrives eldest child really didn’t want to walk down aisle but managed it. Not a squeak out of baby.
Arrived at reception. My husband and children were separated from me and actually put into an orangery type thing attached to the main room. My husband was joined by my cousin’s partner and her child (whose presence another one my mother fought for) and by the bride’s brother in law. He apparently bellowed at cousin’s partner and asked her if she was the one who insisted the kids were invited. My husband pointed out that no that would be his wife. They then sat in silence for two hours just speaking with the kids. No alcohol could be served in this veranda thing. Kids tried to get down so cousin’s partner took them in grounds but was told by maitre d type person speeches were now on so she couldn’t go back in.
Both my mum and I were in tears. My dad wanted to say something to brother but we didn’t let him. My husband went upstairs with kids and stayed there all night not letting anyone relieve him. He is completely pissed off with me saying he wanted to punch arsey brother-in-law of sister-in-law. He is saying to just leave it but I want to talk to my brother. Do people think this was my fault. We are actually still in hotel trying to have a holiday. and my dad is paying.

I ferl quite sorry for bride and groom. Given that one child was at the ceremony and the mother kicked off later about having the others there all day, i wonder if her being at the ceremony was a compromise in the first place. And actually came about because mum kicked off before OPs mum did.

Hence her brother-in-law ended up in orangery with my husband and cousin’s partner with no alcohol.

If he couldn't go one meal without alcohol - while looking after his children - BIL has a problem.

People always get so overheated about weddings. The plan to get relatives to drive 100 miles to watch a small child outside the church is ridiculous but he didn't want dc's there originally and was probably scrambling for ways to manage it.

But it sounds like it mostly went fine except for the person who threw a tantrum over not being able to drink, and the your DH who had a strop. Don't talk to your DB about it, it's not his problem. Have your holiday. The bad atmosphere sounds like it's down to your DH, talking to your DB won't change that. He's just married, he doesn't want to hear about drama.

I’m not sure what you’re going to get out of talking to your brother about something that has already happened? No amount of talking is going to change the events of the day so it’s pointless.

Definitely think ybu. Tears on the day? Very dramatic and way to make the wedding all about yourselves. Your husband sounds like a gem too

Your brother should have made it clear no children. But have conceded defeat should have made you all welcome and didn’t.

It is their wedding day, what is done is done. Be kind, be forgiving and focus entirely on the positives of the day if you are to salvage your relationship with your brother and his new wife.

It is just a party to celebrate start of marriage. I don't think it is for the groom's mother to do the planning in days gone by, and nowadays it is usually the bride and groom who decide if and how to celebrate.

I think you have attended already feeling miffed and then it hasn't lived up to your/your mum's expectations.

So you should have just gone and just accept the celebration as it is.

• does it really matter that for one meal in your life you were seated separately from your husband?
• can your husband not miss alcohol for 1 meal?
• he asked you to drive a long way to get your child the outfit for the wedding. it would have presumably helpful if he had bought it and arranged for you to pick it up before/post it, to check the size?

Families fall out over this pointless, unimportant shit all the time. Massive problems and families can sweep them under the carpet. But wedding seating, family feud! Go ahead you can too, but I think it is all a bit pathetic.

I don't know if you mean because she gave him money, your mum should get the day she wanted?

Can't you just be happy he has found someone he wants to be with.

I don’t think you’ll achieve anything by talking to your brother after all is said and done. What’s the point? What would that change now? Just move on...

I do not understand how people can want a child free wedding when they have children of their own or nieces and nephews. Like they are second class family because they are kids! It's a vile thing to do!

Having said that, your brother has JUST got married, leave it be now and let him enjoy his 'honeymoon period'.

OMG. So you (or your mother) bullied your brother and SIL into having your children at their child free wedding. In order to accommodate you, they kindly arranged a room where one of you needed to stay and parent your own child. Your children still misbehaved, your DH is whinging about looking after his own children, you and your mother had tears and tantrums and your DH sulked in the hotel room...and you think your brother and SIL are in some way unreasonable, and you want to have it out with them????

Take a good long look at yourself. Such a selfish way for you to behave. Your poor brother and SIL having their wedding ruined by your selfishness and histrionics. This day was not about you, your children, your husband or your mother.

I agree that No kids means no kids but if my brother had not invited his own nephew then I would not have been happy, nor would I have been happy if he had been invited as an attendant and then expected to go home!!

However I wouldn't have made a fuss at the time but it would have done a lot of damage to our reltionship

You could talk to him about it if you were planning on apologizing and trying to salvage things but it seems that you would just want to complain.

Not your wedding, your mothers wedding of the bride's BIL wedding, I feel quite sorry for the couple but they should have been firmer in their decision and not allowed relatives to strong-arm them into decisions.

That was my take on things too, mrsm.

They wanted a child free wedding. You/Your DM insisted that your kids were there so then other members of the family (hers) did the same thing. They separated the families out so that they could have the child free formal reception that they wanted. They didn't do anything wrong. They invited the children because they were asked to. The fact that the Dc didn't have a great time at the adult function isn't their fault. Your DH was angry at you not them. You/your DM did this. YWBVU to complain to your brother about it now.

As this is AIBU I would say it is your brother who is BU but not because of the no kids business but because he backed down and every thing that happened after was the result backing down.
He approached his sister for an opinion and got one! Then invited the kids! I am not one of those who subscribe to little attendants being props and think it's fine for bride to choose niece but once other kids were there it would be unfair to send her on way. Bride's BiL and OP' s husband were right to be pissed off but BiL needed be more gracious.

I'm going to disagree with the majority and say I think your brother was unreasonable. If the children were allowed to come - even if reluctantly - they should have been made welcome. He should have warned beforehand "it's not going to be much fun, they will have to sit separately" etc. Otherwise he should have stood firm. At least nobody would have had to endure what your DH did.

To be honest it sounds like a miserable wedding. Totally understand why they don't want all guests bringing all their children but I can't understand why these couples think a few kids of close family will ruin their day. Yawn.

It is also worth a quiet word with your brother that his new brother-in-law is very rude and aggressive. It may have worked out ok if not for his intervention.

Did you parents offer money to you brother, but they also wanted him to spend it on something - but not their house?? Didn't understand that bit. Your mother sounds like hard work, pushy and thinks you are all still her 'kids'.
It sounds like you are very worried about your parents feelings. Why? They are big and bold grown ups, tell them to stop off loading their petty grievances onto you. Your mother 'fought' for kids to be there for her own purposes and agenda. So she got you to do her dirty work for her.
I think you are torn between trying to do what your mother wants you to do and what your brother wants and what your husband wants. In this instance, your mother probably wanted you to bring your kids, and have the youngster be an attendant, and you went along with that. Then your DH got annoyed at your family 'controlling' you and then punishing you by huffing and dramatic acting out behaviour. All very difficult for you OP.
I know what it's like being pulled to bits in all directions by other people. And with very small kids too it feels like everywhere you turn someone is demanding a piece of you

YABU - you and your DM got kids invited when they wanted a child free wedding? That's awful of you both - its not about you, you know? Its your brothers big day. Your husband was right - the kids should have been left at home. Then, you later had the nerve to get upset about it all? Oh my. I feel so bad for your brother.

Whether you liked it or not, it was your DB's choice to have a child free wedding. I'm afraid I agree with the majority, who say that your DM shouldn't have insisted on kids being invited. Although the Bride's niece was invited, she wasn't staying for the reception.

By insisting on taking your kids, you could have spoiled your DB's wedding. You did spoil your DH's experience, as he was the one relegated to the kiddie room. To then have hysterics was very out of order, since you weren't the one suffering! Ditto your DM.

To all wedding guests - it isn't about you, it's about the Bride and Groom. Either go or don't go, but don't try to change what they choose to do however weird you think it is. It's their day, not yours.

The moment has gone and rather than worrying about reasonableness and who was right or wrong the question you and your mother are now contemplating is "Do we wish to have any form of viable relationship with your brother/her son and his wife in future?"

His wedding. His choice. It is entirely up to the bride and groom as to
Who they invite
Who they don’t invite
What food is served
What dress code is expected
What time it starts
What time it finishes
When photos can be taken
When photos can be shared
Whether the bar is free or the menu is vegan......all their choice.

I presume you did your wedding your way. Why get upperty that your brother did his wedding his way?

Hmmmm, i’m on the fence about some points.

1. The Bride’s neice was invited (as a flower girl). But your DC (groom’s neice/nephew) we’re not.

Yes, I think i’d be upset about that.

1. Bride (& groom?) wanted a child free reception but wanted the flower girl for the photos.

Yup, I think that’s pretty off - see no.1

1. Because your DM called no.1 out to your DB, then your DC were invited.

I can see why your DM would do this.

1. I’m imagining the original invited flower girl lives local to wedding? Is this (perhaps) why she was invited, even though B&G didn’t want kids at reception. IE, she could go home easier. Maybe the bride’s Sister was also upset about ‘no kids’ and this invitation was supposed to appease her?

Awkward. No kids should mean no kids, especially if it’s divisive between the bride and groom’s sides. But of course small children make cute photos!

1. BIL moaning about looking after his own kid/no alcohol.

Tough shit. They could have arranged taking their own kid home if they wanted.

1. DH playing the martyr.

I’m not surprised he was shirty. It could have all been avoided if you didn’t take the DC.

Let’s be honest. It sounds like the B&G just wanted the child/ren for photo props.

Honestly? Your brother & his wife are unreasonable. You do not ask one side of the family to be attendants without the other, you certainly don’t say they can piss off home after the photos!! Which is effectively what they did say. Bad form from them at the start.

I was at a wedding years ago where only the brides nieces were bridesmaids. I still remember The comments from the guests that the grooms 2 nieces clearly didn’t make the grade. Everyone agreed that it was disgraceful behaviour. Unsurprisingly The marriage didn’t last. It showed that the bride did not value her inlaws at all.

They wanted a child-free wedding and were basically bullied into it by your mother/you. Having then agreed to having the children there they sat them in an area where they would be the least bother to them.

You should definitely not speak to your brother unless it is to apologise to him and his wife for putting them in such a situation where they felt they had to invite your kids to keep your Mum happy!

I really don't understand what speaking to them about it now will achieve? What do you expect? Some sort of apology? As far as I can see, the one who should be apologising is your mother to your brother and SIL for insisting that kids were allowed at the wedding. And you to your husband and kids for forcing them into something that they didn't even want to do.

And what's the money that your parents gifted to your brother got to do with it? And why is your DM asking you about bridesmaids etc?

There's nothing your brother can do about it now.. there's no point dragging it all up again. You had no reason to be upset on the day.. what were you expecting? They didn't want kids at their wedding. Your DH didn't want to go..

Next time there's a family wedding, try reminding yourself and your DM that you're a GUEST at THEIR wedding and just like if you were a guest in their home, its up to them what happens and if you don't like it then you've no right to be upset over it. Unless they've done something on purpose to specifically hurt you (which in this situation they've actually tried to accommodate your demands). You do have the right to remove yourself from the situation if it is not to your liking and express gratitude in being invited.

Firstofmyname you do realise that bridesmaids are just that the bride's choice so traditionally her friends/family not the groom's. No way should a bride HAVE to have nephews/nieces from one side of the family just because she choses some from the other side.

Honestly? Your brother & his wife are unreasonable. You do not ask one side of the family to be attendants without the other

Maybe the niece was invited because she was super close to the bride? If DB lives 90 miles away then how often does he see OPs children?

I have cousins I see every few months and cousins a see once every few years (funerals etc.) Just because they both happen to be cousins, doesn't mean that I am equally close to both.