To want to speak to my brother about his wedding

[DaphneCrane]

My brother got married on Saturday. My mother felt very left out in The weeks leading up to the event. My parents offered some money and he accepted but it was something for the house he chose to spend money on. Fair enough!
My mother did start asking me about bridesmaids/ushers etc. Finally a few weeks ago my brother came round... he lives 90 miles awy. He asked me how I felt about no kids at wedding. I said that I would be upset but would accept it but I think mum and dad would be devastated. Her niece was chosen as bridesmaid but was leaving before reception. Well off he went to mum’s and a few days later my eldest child was asked to be an attendant. We were told that the outfit could be bought at a certain shop in their home town. Against my husband’s wishes off I trekked to get outfit. Then my brother made noises about my inlaws... could they trek the best part of 100 miles to hold my younger child outside church? My husband at this point wanted to leave kids at home. I refused.
So wedding arrives eldest child really didn’t want to walk down aisle but managed it. Not a squeak out of baby.
Arrived at reception. My husband and children were separated from me and actually put into an orangery type thing attached to the main room. My husband was joined by my cousin’s partner and her child (whose presence another one my mother fought for) and by the bride’s brother in law. He apparently bellowed at cousin’s partner and asked her if she was the one who insisted the kids were invited. My husband pointed out that no that would be his wife. They then sat in silence for two hours just speaking with the kids. No alcohol could be served in this veranda thing. Kids tried to get down so cousin’s partner took them in grounds but was told by maitre d type person speeches were now on so she couldn’t go back in.
Both my mum and I were in tears. My dad wanted to say something to brother but we didn’t let him. My husband went upstairs with kids and stayed there all night not letting anyone relieve him. He is completely pissed off with me saying he wanted to punch arsey brother-in-law of sister-in-law. He is saying to just leave it but I want to talk to my brother. Do people think this was my fault. We are actually still in hotel trying to have a holiday. and my dad is paying.

Oh well, they told you and your mum what they wanted and what they didnt want and you both emotionally blackmailed them into inviting your kids anyway.

Result is, you all had a shit time, embarrassed yourselves, cried at your brothers wedding and pissed off your husband.

Nice work

Not your wedding so not your choice.
They should be able to organise the day how they wanted and not have to put up with petty demands from other very entitled people.

I would love kids at a wedding. Others wouldn’t. That’s life.

511 people have said 'no kids means no kids'. But they wanted some children there. But then they just wanted them to fuck off and disappear. I have no time for all this childfree wedding bollocks, but the way this pair went about it is extra ridiculous.

You are so passive aggressive it is untrue. The sister only got 'demanding' when you and your mother demanded that your kids get to go. You say you didn't demand but merely responded, but sounds a lot like emotional pressure when you should have just been a grown up. 'Dress your eldest up'...grow up.

Fussing because booze wasn't allowed in the overflow room created because you insisted your kids come?

Crying because of it? Fuck me this sounds like hard work.

I really don't think your brother is the one in the wrong. I'd be apologising to him for forcing your hand and to your husband for not listening.

Personally, I’d be upset if my brother didn’t invite my kids to his wedding as they are a close member of the family. That’s just my view.

Just leave it - it's done now and they've had their big day. It's not about you!
My SILs wedding was dreadful (from my perspective); she forgot to include us in any family photos and their isn't a single photo of her niece and nephew on her side of the family (my DC) despite us forking out for their outfits to match the bridal party. DH was also the only sibling on both bride and groom side not playing a part in the wedding.
She knows nothing about how I felt about all this as I kept it to myself and moved on.

Whilst I find it a bit odd that people with close family with children wouldn't want the children at their wedding, i would completely respect it and wouldn't get upset. It really does sound like your sil was pushed by her sister to have her niece and nephew involved (surely It would have gone without saying that they would have been asked to stay for the reception rather than forced if she had really wanted them there) And it very much sounds like she was forced to involve your children to make it fair - but weddings shouldn't be based on what's fair , it should be based on what the b&g want. I wouldn't take my kids anywhere I didn't think they weren't wanted or appropriate. However fair or unfair. So I'm afraid I think it's a U from me.

My brother was getting married in Canada - we all booked our airline tickets with our kids from places like UK and Australia...only to find out a few months before the wedding the bride did not want kids at the reception. We were expected to source local babysitters via the internet (one child was 6 months old and there were about 6 kids under 8/9 in total). It did affect my feelings towards my new sister'n'law - but no kids is no kids - they get to have their wedding how they want it. It was better to not try and change that.

No kids means no kids. I hate it when people try to impose their agendas on the wedding couples plans for their day.

It's not about your wishes.

Your not there to mother this friend, he needs to grow up and realise he needs other friends and he’s not your responsibility? I’m presume he’s quite capable of booking and staying in a hotel, stop relying on everyone else?

Personally I don’t like child-free weddings. Weddings are a family occasion and I think youngsters make it.

Saying that your Brother and SIL should have decided one way or the other instead of sitting on the fence. You have a wedding with children or a child-free wedding. I think expecting people to trail children to the church then not invite them to the reception is plain weird. It’s not fair on the parents or the children. I would have been upset about that as a child.

I think that, for the most part, people plan to only marry once. The marrying couple should have what and who they like at their wedding as it is their day. You and your mum should have accepted what you brother and his new wife wanted no matter what your feelings. To placate you, your brother allowed children to attend and then it sounds like a lot of people had a shitty time. If you say anything to your brother I think it should be an apology for interfering in his wedding plans.

Why were you and your mum crying?

My brothers wife wanted a child free wedding, this did not make sense as my brother has children from previous relationships. However when the family was having this debate I stayed well out of it. At the end the wife was sticking to a child free wedding. As the wedding approached my brothers children had to be told that could not attend their fathers wedding. Clearly they were crushed. I myself had decided from the day of the debate I would not be attending as I myself have 3 children. As the day approached was not much excitement or anything. Most adults within the family with kids declined the invitation and those without just never went due to other family members not going. My brother had asked me to help decorate the hall and get the reception ready on the day. Even thou I knew I was not going to attend the wedding I still done as he asked. It was beautiful. I left be for the wedding party arrived. So the bride had her day the way she wanted, but I think it has come at a cost.

user1484424013
Hold on the sil niece was invited are you people reading this actually that stupid.

She was invited to the ceremony, NOT the reception. Maybe you should read?

A guestzilla thread!!

And this is why dh and I ran away to get married. We took our mothers with us (Both our fathers were dead) but didn't tell either of them until a fortnight before because we couldn't have faced (or afforded) the whole big family wedding drama (and even with just siblings, their partners, children and in some cases children's children we would have been up to 70 odd people before we started on aunts uncles cousins and so on let alone friends )

parentin wow. Your dB didn’t have his own dc at his wedding? His wife is a bitch & he’s a fool.

Sorry but i'm with the OP here to an extent, you cant invite one side of the family's children and not the others (even if it is just to the ceremony!). It is inevitable that this is going to cause hurt feelings and yes it is the couple's special day but surely you want your family and friends to be happy and enjoy themselves? Not merely submit to your every whim?

Yes it got very messy with each side of the family getting upset and demanding but really whoever didn't see that coming is just dense. It should either be a yes or a no blanket rule when it comes to kids at weddings. Because even if you don't factor in parent upset and issues for finding childcare you've also potentially got a little niece or nephew who will be upset and wondering why your wife/husband to be's niece or nephews could go and they couldn't - maybe i'm a soft touch but i think thats just mean.

Right now i'm going to hide under my bomb shelter from the inevitable "NO ITS THEIR DAY YOU DO AS YOU'RE TOLD" brigade

Highlight from my wedding was dhs 3 year old niece running down the aisle towards me & my dad shouting Auntie Ex your getting married! I held her hand as I walked down the aisle. I was upstaged but I didn’t give a damn . Maybe I should have thrown a strop as she wasn’t held firmly in place!

I really can’t believe the hard time you’re getting here OP. No kids was no kids UNTIL DB and SIL changed their minds! Doesn’t matter why- they’re grownups and whether they were guilted into it or not doesn’t excuse poor communication and poor hosting. Once the children were involved, it should have been made clear that they wouldn’t really be part of the reception at the venue to give you the opportunity to plan around that fact. Really, what should have happened is the B&G should have arramged a babysitter in the orangery for the kiddies and allowed the adults to have fun. I had a no kids wedding (except for immediate family), but was prepared to have a babysitter at the hotel for anyone who wanted and packs with activities and snacks for the kids that were at the reception. Why wouldn’t the bride and groom want their guests to be happy? I can see why you would be frustrated, but I agree it’s not going to be helpful to discuss it with DB now.

His wife is a bitch & he’s a fool.

ExBbqQueen
Very true.

If you invite people to your wedding party you should make them welcome ,children included( DB and SiL being U)
If you invite children to be attendants they are not just there to be decorative in the photos
DM / DMil s are not entitled to a Part in wedding planning unless invited to be
Everyone should be a bit more gracious
Please don't discuss this with DB , there is nothing to be gained and a lot of scope for hurt feelings
Weddings are stressful , be kind.

nymum
Really, what should have happened is the B&G should have arramged a babysitter in the orangery for the kiddies and allowed the adults to have fun.

The entitlement of that statement is astounding.

facepalm

This. This post is one of the maaaany reasons my partner and I wish to elope (with our son in tow). Minimal fuss.

A wedding day is about the bride and groom IMO. If they have requested certain things, respect those requests. If that results in you being excluded from 'being able to dress up your son, so be it.

However... I don't see what's wrong with a little bit of leeway here... for instance, we plan on having a big party with family and friends when we return from our elopement. I don't see why the married couple couldn't have said 'adults only' at the reception but allowed the children at the ceremony. Or vice versa. That way there's still a celebration, of some kind, together

Ultimately, it is their decision though.