To want to speak to my brother about his wedding

[DaphneCrane]

My brother got married on Saturday. My mother felt very left out in The weeks leading up to the event. My parents offered some money and he accepted but it was something for the house he chose to spend money on. Fair enough!
My mother did start asking me about bridesmaids/ushers etc. Finally a few weeks ago my brother came round... he lives 90 miles awy. He asked me how I felt about no kids at wedding. I said that I would be upset but would accept it but I think mum and dad would be devastated. Her niece was chosen as bridesmaid but was leaving before reception. Well off he went to mum’s and a few days later my eldest child was asked to be an attendant. We were told that the outfit could be bought at a certain shop in their home town. Against my husband’s wishes off I trekked to get outfit. Then my brother made noises about my inlaws... could they trek the best part of 100 miles to hold my younger child outside church? My husband at this point wanted to leave kids at home. I refused.
So wedding arrives eldest child really didn’t want to walk down aisle but managed it. Not a squeak out of baby.
Arrived at reception. My husband and children were separated from me and actually put into an orangery type thing attached to the main room. My husband was joined by my cousin’s partner and her child (whose presence another one my mother fought for) and by the bride’s brother in law. He apparently bellowed at cousin’s partner and asked her if she was the one who insisted the kids were invited. My husband pointed out that no that would be his wife. They then sat in silence for two hours just speaking with the kids. No alcohol could be served in this veranda thing. Kids tried to get down so cousin’s partner took them in grounds but was told by maitre d type person speeches were now on so she couldn’t go back in.
Both my mum and I were in tears. My dad wanted to say something to brother but we didn’t let him. My husband went upstairs with kids and stayed there all night not letting anyone relieve him. He is completely pissed off with me saying he wanted to punch arsey brother-in-law of sister-in-law. He is saying to just leave it but I want to talk to my brother. Do people think this was my fault. We are actually still in hotel trying to have a holiday. and my dad is paying.

@ReanimatedSGB that is exactly what I said.

It's clear that OPs DM demanded that her poor child walk down the aisle, against the poor kids wishes.

OP and her mother have succeeded in making the day all about them, no wonder her brother moved 100 miles away.....

The bride is a bit of a nob wanting bridesmaids for only the ceremony.

Your parents are v unreasonable to expect input and to “fight” for guests at a wedding that isn’t theirs.

Your husband is unreasonable to sulk in a room all night because he had to look after his own child alcohol free for a few hours.

You are unreasonable to cry over all the above.

They didn't want children at their wedding and were pressurised by your DM.

You should've left them at home, your DH was right to suggest leaving them at home.

You owe your DH an apology, then your DB & bride.

Your DM needs to learn better boundaries.

I think the brothers in law (and the cousin's wife) were pissed off because they were stuck in an orangery (in this weather) with kids instead of actually enjoying the wedding when it could all have been avoided if the kids had stayed at home like the bride and groom initially wanted.

I don't think OP's husband was sulking as such, just trying to keep his dignity and his children away from a wedding they weren't really wanted at, when he took them back up to the hotel room.

How dare the other brother-in-law kick off though...he should just have got someone to pick his kids up.

And as for couples who want child free weddings which exclude relatives with children, I would have a low opinion of them.

I have a low opinion of parents who insist that their kids be invited to everything.

I notice that cousin's partner took the kids outside and not OPs DH or the BIL.

Nobody decides or insists , or should even suggest, who attends a wedding apart from the bride and groom. It's their bloody wedding not the entire families.

Kid free weddings are normal now. In some cases at a KFW their may be bridesmaids and a page boy, but often it's a blanket ban. It stems from ' cute' ( not parented properly) kids shouting out, crying and generally disturbing /ruining the ceremony.

In your case you and your mum forced your brother into something he didn't want, and he tried to accommodate you. It didn't work.

Your Husbands first instinct was right - The kids should have stayed home. If that meant you couldn't go, then so be it. Sounds like DH would have been happy not to go and stay with kids though. Now he's angry at the mess it turned into.

Not sure what your mum was trying to achieve..some kind of bribe? when money is given like this it shouldn't have conditions. At least your BIL didn't gamble it or drink it away.

Live and learn from this episode, you can put it behind you.

Your brother can't control his DBIL so telling tales about how mean he was to your DH is both childish and redundant. You had a rubbish time and want to sour your DB's memories of his wedding. Resist that impulse.
None of this would have happened if you and your DM hadn't emotionally blackmailed your DB into having your DCs at the wedding.
I can even understand DBIL being annoyed. He was going to a child-free wedding until your family interfered and suddenly he's left watching his DCs in a non-alcoholic balcony area rather than enjoying the party with his DW.

If having a word with your brother would change anything I would say go for it. So if he was planning to get married again next year and had a chance to improve things next time around it wold be worth saying something. As it is, it seems pointless stirring things up, nothing good will come of it.

Enjoy the rest of your stay.

I want to talk about my husband being isolated without a drink

He was sulking in his hotel room, not shackled to a bloody radiator. Plenty of water in the bathroom or hot drinks on the hospitality tray.

Or, you know, he could have come downstairs and bought a drink like a grown up.

I think it's all well and good for bride and groom to say what they want if they are paying but if they are accepting other peoples' money to pay for it all, then bride and groom have to be a little more accomodating of the wishes of the people who are stumping up the money.
My parents paid for most of my wedding and as such I felt it only right that they should have a say. Piper plays the tune!

I totally understand the reasons for a child free wedding. But a child free wedding should mean a wedding ceremony and reception without children. Children are not props to be used for photographs only to be banished away after the event.

It sounds as if this whole situation could have been avoided has there just been one grown up in charge. What a bunch of drama llamas.

ReanimatedSGB Oh I do hope so, then we can link this thread to their's

Sorry but to me a wedding is a family event and how very sad all those who have said the the op is at fault

You should speak to your brother, to apologise to him and his wife, for trying to make their special day, about you.

What is it with this total rubbish on mn about 'their wedding, their choice'?! That's totally ridiculous and entitled to assume that people should just be so grateful that they've been invited to a wedding that the bride and groom can do whatever they like and to hell with any family offence caused. In my book that's not love and that's not being family which marriage is about....bringing two people together and blending their families forever.

All of you ‘in-laws’ ABU and should feel ashamed for forcing DB and DSil to change their plans to suit your petty family politics

DB and DSil ABU for not growing a backbone and just refusing to change THEIR WEDDING to suit a bunch of adults whose behaviour sounds worse than their precious DC’s.

OK spotsandstars so heres a scenario

My DP and I are planning to get married when appropriate...my Dsis for literally no reason refuses to speak a word to dp...wouldnt say hello until I made a point

It's not that she doesn't approve, it's not that she has any issue with him personally

She simply doesn't see why she should bother being an adult to him

So if we get married she has a "right" to be there because she's my sister? Can you guess what will actually happen? And if I should lose my mind and invite her....why would her presence be anything remotely about me and my DP pledging our lives to each other?

It doesn't really matter who thinks who wbu, the event is done, over. What would trying to dredge it up achieve but more ill feeling? Your dc got to go, if under duress. They were separated from immediate b and g family which is not unusual. People behave badly at weddings, which is beyond the responsibility of b and g, just let it go.

Oh Dear. Someone wanted a no kids wedding but somehow kids got brought along... your husband set a great example by wanting to punch the Bride and Groom.. charming!
You and your mother got hysterical.
Sounds a heap of fun altogether.
Sounds like you and your brother have problems getting along and I have no idea why any money he was given should not be spent as he chose.

Brunsdon that's a totally different scenario from the one op has painted. She hasn't said anything about previous issues etc and has actually bent over backwards to comply with the brides wishes regarding the outfit etc. She's in the middle of a situation that just didn't need to happen.
If you are a marrying a man that has nieces and nephews and siblings that he is close enough to then why not invite everyone? Presumably, they will want to get together with family at least at Christmas time where the dc will be present, surely it's worth an effort for family harmony.
You say there is no reason for your dsis to not speak to your dp but there must be as that's no normal behaviour (not saying thats his fault) she just hasn't to,d you why she doesn't like him.

That's totally ridiculous and entitled to assume that people should just be so grateful that they've been invited to a wedding that the bride and groom can do whatever they like and to hell with any family offence caused

It's totally ridiculous and entitled to assume that you should have ANY say in someone else's wedding. Don't like it, don't go. It's not like it was some outlandish request, for kids (one a baby who wont even remember anything) to not go.

But the OP didn't assume anything she actually told her brother she would go along with whatever he wanted. It's not her fault!!!!

She hasn't said anything about previous issues etc and has actually bent over backwards to comply with the brides wishes regarding the outfit etc. She's in the middle of a situation that just didn't need to happen.

The bride wanted everyone to match and had probably bought the other wedding party outfits from there. It didn't need to happen because OP shouldn't have forced her kids into it.

If you are a marrying a man that has nieces and nephews and siblings that he is close enough to then why not invite everyone?

They live 90 miles away so maybe not as close as DN who was picked? Also, money/space/DH kicking off about having to watch his own kids as to why not invite everyone.

But when her DM obviously forced her DB to invite the kids, she should have declined.

Spotsandstars of course it is and I do realise it was at the opposite end of the scale but I was (perhaps inarticulately apologies it's before I've eaten my lunch) making the point that "family" does not trounce bride and groom needs that day

You mentioned it was a family affair to me it is about the bride and groom celebrating their union

(And in my sister's case she is just a stupendously entitled adult child of 43 who can't bear anything in the world not being about her...you sort of get used to it after a while)