To want to speak to my brother about his wedding

[DaphneCrane]

My brother got married on Saturday. My mother felt very left out in The weeks leading up to the event. My parents offered some money and he accepted but it was something for the house he chose to spend money on. Fair enough!
My mother did start asking me about bridesmaids/ushers etc. Finally a few weeks ago my brother came round... he lives 90 miles awy. He asked me how I felt about no kids at wedding. I said that I would be upset but would accept it but I think mum and dad would be devastated. Her niece was chosen as bridesmaid but was leaving before reception. Well off he went to mum’s and a few days later my eldest child was asked to be an attendant. We were told that the outfit could be bought at a certain shop in their home town. Against my husband’s wishes off I trekked to get outfit. Then my brother made noises about my inlaws... could they trek the best part of 100 miles to hold my younger child outside church? My husband at this point wanted to leave kids at home. I refused.
So wedding arrives eldest child really didn’t want to walk down aisle but managed it. Not a squeak out of baby.
Arrived at reception. My husband and children were separated from me and actually put into an orangery type thing attached to the main room. My husband was joined by my cousin’s partner and her child (whose presence another one my mother fought for) and by the bride’s brother in law. He apparently bellowed at cousin’s partner and asked her if she was the one who insisted the kids were invited. My husband pointed out that no that would be his wife. They then sat in silence for two hours just speaking with the kids. No alcohol could be served in this veranda thing. Kids tried to get down so cousin’s partner took them in grounds but was told by maitre d type person speeches were now on so she couldn’t go back in.
Both my mum and I were in tears. My dad wanted to say something to brother but we didn’t let him. My husband went upstairs with kids and stayed there all night not letting anyone relieve him. He is completely pissed off with me saying he wanted to punch arsey brother-in-law of sister-in-law. He is saying to just leave it but I want to talk to my brother. Do people think this was my fault. We are actually still in hotel trying to have a holiday. and my dad is paying.

Why was the brides BIL bellowing? Was it because his DD would've been leaving after the ceremony if she had been the only child there but because your DM forced the child issue he had to sit in an orangery instead of enjoying his SILs wedding day? I'd be pretty peeved as well!

I personally think that saying no kids at weddings if there are close young relatives (ie, your siblings kids) is being precious. There is no way I would have excluded nieces/nephews from the invite. Weddings are about family.

I don't think the cousin/cousin's kids should necessarily have been invited unless she grew up in your house or something.

Having child attendants but expecting the younger sibling not to attend is ludicrous, as is asking for your PIL to come and hold the baby 90 miles away from home. Putting parts of families in the orangery is also rude.

Surely if they didn’t want kids they shouldn’t have asked one to be involved in the ceremony.

It doesn’t sound like they had much choice from the OP. I read it that she had been reluctantly asked because the mother forced it. They asked brides DN a while ago and the OPs child only last minute.

I wanted a child free wedding however some people brought their kids out of necessity etc etc. I did not lose my shit over it and had an amazing wedding day. Your brother sounds like a bit of a tool

Why is her brother a tool? It doesn’t say anywhere that her brother or the bride got angry.

The only people we know of making scenes is the OP and her mother.

The poor couple must be devastated. Sounds like they were bullied into doing things the OP and her Mum wanted in the run up and tried to compromise but they spoiled it anyway.

Is it possible they had to go in the orangery because when you added the kids in it squeed the numbers somehow? We are planning a wedding (kids invited) but the numbers are really tight because the venue isn't massive so my brother with 4 kids means 4 of our friends can't come iyswim.

My mother felt very left out of wedding planning and knew nothing about what was happening. Fair enough if people feel she had no right to be anything other than a guest.
When my brother arrived unexpectedly to suss me out re: no kids I absolutely said I would respect it even though I was upset. When my mother was told this she was upset especially when she found out about bride’s niece (and nephew) being in the wedding. At this point my eldest was asked to be attendant also . My husband at this point said we should leave the kids at home and not make a 200 mike round trip to get this outfit. But I really wanted this as her sister’s kids were there and by this time they were actually invited.
Aunt, uncle and cousin and partner were invited by brother and then the invitation was extended to their child.
Her sister then insisted that her kids be invited to whole thing. Hence her brother-in-law ended up in orangery with my husband and cousin’s partner with no alcohol. Husband wouldn’t come down as he was angry. We did not cry in front of anyone. Bride and groom know nothing of upset but I want to talk about my husband being isolated without a drink and how rude his brother-in-law was.

I think your new SIL insisted on the children in the orangery.
Very rude on her behalf but I guess she was pissed off that her new family had disrespected her wishes and chose to make an example of them.
I would let it go as if you confront your brother about it in the honeymoon period it will cause lasting resentment.
When your SIl has her own children she will realise how rude she was.
But for future family relationships it is NOT worth having a confrontation over this with your brother.
Maybe mention it at Xmas but not now.

Sorry, I may have misunderstood because your OP is hard to follow but honesty it just sounds like you insisted on bringing kids to a kid free wedding? That isn't really on - it's not about what you prefer but about what the bride and groom want. So I can see why others were so annoyed about it. Your husband's aggression is unjustified and slightly scary.

I absolutely said I would respect it even though I was upset

It’s not your place to be upset, it wasn’t your wedding.

Families and their bloody politics, unbelievable.

Next time someone specifies child free wedding, either don’t go, or get a babysitter.

It really would have saved all this shit.

And no, I wouldn’t mention it to your brother. You and your mum have done enough to spoil their day already.

It sounds like they said no kids because either there wasn't space or the venue didn't have a licence to serve alcohol where there are children present. Hence the kids being with an appropriate adult in the separate section with no alcohol. It would have been better if your brother had stood up to you and DM but really you/DM created the situation by pushing that children and various other adults were invited.

As for crying at the reception - you really do need to get a grip. That's an appalling way of making someone else's wedding all about you.

Well, your brother shouldn't have asked what you thought about no kids (should have just informed you of his decision), as his question opened up the door to emotional blackmail like "mum will be devastated if you do that". Why would anyone be devastated at her son's very common choice of how to have his wedding? Totally exaggerated. And then crying during your brother's / her son's big day because they have had to make emergency arrangements after you manipulated the into allowing children? I hope you didn't cry in front of him? Would be sure to spoil his wedding.

Cross posted with your update. It doesn't sound like your brother and his wife were the source of the drama so why raise it with them?

Your husband wouldn't have been isolated without a drink if he hadn't martyred himself and refused to share childcare.

I think it's your husband you should be annoyed at tbh, his behaviour is the worst out of everyone you have described. BIL was no ruder than your DH.

I wouldn't ruin the happy memories your brother presumably has of his wedding by complaining about an issue that was largely of your own making and wasn't really his fault anyway.

The bride's BIL was very rude. Full stop. Having said that, the situation was totally your and your Mother's fault.

It was a child free reception and you and your mother 'fought' for your children and your cousin's to go. Your DH had the right idea. Why on earth did you push to force your children into a situation where they weren't welcome?

I feel sorry for the DC and your DH.

🗣 It's not your mothers wedding!

It's not your fathers wedding!

No kids means no kids.

You forced you husband to agree to taking the kids... you left him stuck in a room/veranda with the children all evening. You didn't think to go relieve him? Why didn't you take him a drink?

It's your SILS day... and you all seemed to have made it about yourselves and family.

It seems your mothers interference made the bride and groom feel obliged to invite children... imagine how guilty she made them feel.

We've been invited to a no children wedding... we've spoken to the couple. We're only going to the ceremony as it's in the afternoon and my youngest is still breastfed. We won't be going to the reception. We're happy with that. I can't imagine ruining someone's day with my children, people are entitled to what they like. The couple also have children (toddlers) who will be taken away after the ceremony.

Of all the people in this scenario, the most unreasonable is the bride's BIL. Who the FUCK did he think he was, bellowing at anyone? How dare he!
So he didn't want to sit with his own child(ren) - but he didn't have to start browbeating another guest!

How very fucking rude of him.

Regarding having the children there - I agree that the issue should not have been forced BUT if the bride had already agreed for her niece to be there then it would have been very rude of her to have then refused to have the groom's niece there too. Fair's fair! I'm not a fan of small children at weddings myself, but if you're going to have one, then be fair about it if there's an equal status child on the other side.

I don't see that any good will come of speaking to your brother, however. If anyone should, it should be your mum, but I don't think she should either. Just let it go now.

Is it really a big deal that he didn't have a drink? I like a cocktail at a wedding, but it's not a huge deal if I don't get one.

I think you just need to let this go. It sounds like they didn't want kids there and had to make arrangements to accommodate them.

And yes, it would be very unreasonable to confront your brother about your personal gripes on the second day of his honeymoon. I'm amazed you have to ask.

It is done now, best to let sleeping dogs lie.

it wasnt how you or your parents would have done it
it wasnt yours or your parents wedding

You and your mother sound like a nightmare in-law family. Your poor new sister-in-law.

And your husband sounds like a self centred pain.

You and your mother basically guilted your brother and bride into having kids and then didn't accept the compromise which was to put them in the orangeries.

You are being totally unreasonable and your mother is being ridiculous. If you both continue on like this you'll be seeing your bro once a year Id say

It seems that the brides sister followed suit here as well, insisting her DC came because your DC were coming. The BIL was probably looking forward to spending time with just his wife, no, he shouldn’t have bellowed, but he ended up in the orangery without a drink too as a direct result

So they wanted children for photos but then to go home?

I'd be fuming if I said no kids at my wedding and people didn't bother to listen/care!