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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to speak to my brother about his wedding

289 replies

DaphneCrane · 02/07/2018 10:38

My brother got married on Saturday. My mother felt very left out in The weeks leading up to the event. My parents offered some money and he accepted but it was something for the house he chose to spend money on. Fair enough!
My mother did start asking me about bridesmaids/ushers etc. Finally a few weeks ago my brother came round... he lives 90 miles awy. He asked me how I felt about no kids at wedding. I said that I would be upset but would accept it but I think mum and dad would be devastated. Her niece was chosen as bridesmaid but was leaving before reception. Well off he went to mum’s and a few days later my eldest child was asked to be an attendant. We were told that the outfit could be bought at a certain shop in their home town. Against my husband’s wishes off I trekked to get outfit. Then my brother made noises about my inlaws... could they trek the best part of 100 miles to hold my younger child outside church? My husband at this point wanted to leave kids at home. I refused.
So wedding arrives eldest child really didn’t want to walk down aisle but managed it. Not a squeak out of baby.
Arrived at reception. My husband and children were separated from me and actually put into an orangery type thing attached to the main room. My husband was joined by my cousin’s partner and her child (whose presence another one my mother fought for) and by the bride’s brother in law. He apparently bellowed at cousin’s partner and asked her if she was the one who insisted the kids were invited. My husband pointed out that no that would be his wife. They then sat in silence for two hours just speaking with the kids. No alcohol could be served in this veranda thing. Kids tried to get down so cousin’s partner took them in grounds but was told by maitre d type person speeches were now on so she couldn’t go back in.
Both my mum and I were in tears. My dad wanted to say something to brother but we didn’t let him. My husband went upstairs with kids and stayed there all night not letting anyone relieve him. He is completely pissed off with me saying he wanted to punch arsey brother-in-law of sister-in-law. He is saying to just leave it but I want to talk to my brother. Do people think this was my fault. We are actually still in hotel trying to have a holiday. and my dad is paying.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 02/07/2018 11:20

Why the tears? Confused
No kids means no kids. Can't live with that? Then you shouldn't have gone.
And your mum felt left out? It wasn't her wedding.
Maybe don't try and make someone else's wedding about you?!

LeahJack · 02/07/2018 11:20

Your kids were put outside in the Orangery but still played up enough to be taken out. They are clearly not old enough or we behaved enough to sit through a wedding reception. Your husband was childish sitting in his room.

Why are you complaining about no alcohol? Surely one of you should have been sober to look after the kids?

AmyLou14 · 02/07/2018 11:22

No kids means no kids. The bridal party is just tht a bridal party and is ok to be just brides family. For instance I will have my niece as flower girl and nephew as Paige boy. DP niece will not be in the wedding party. If your brother wanted your son as an usher ect he should have asked but he chose not to and only did so to please your mother.
Children should only really be at the ceremony if they can behave, older children can stay for the meal if they can behave but should be collected before evening events.
I really feel that you should have had your in laws collect your children after the meal, even if it means driving 100 + miles. My sis is flying her sil to Italy so that her children can be looked after in the evening allowing her and bill and rest of the wedding enjoy a night without children.

Your brother and SIL have really went out of the way to accommodate you and your children which they did not want at all. You really owe them an apology, think how much nicer the day would have been if you left the kids at home for you and them.

diddl · 02/07/2018 11:22

" if the bride had already agreed for her niece to be there then it would have been very rude of her to have then refused to have the groom's niece there too. "

I disagree as the bride's niece was going to be a bmaid & then go.
Why should groom's nephews/nieces have to also be attendants.

I'm guessing that your brother tried to please everyone & ended up pleasing no one.

LeahJack · 02/07/2018 11:23

It sounds to me like your mother was probably excluded from the planning because she would have been trying to get her own way all the time and wouldn’t have given a stuff what the B&G wanted. The one thing she was allowed input in she kicked up a fuss.

Oddcat · 02/07/2018 11:25

It may seem unfair to have asked one lot of nieces/nephews to attend the wedding and not others but that was their choice . They were railroaded into asking your child to attend and it didn't go as you wanted , that's life I'm afraid.

Maelstrop · 02/07/2018 11:25

YABU. It was a child free reception. I would have told him to get lost wanting the kids in the ceremony but not the reception. Bit stupid, how were you supposed to organise childcare when everyone was at the reception?

Nicknacky · 02/07/2018 11:26

What are you hoping to gain from telling your brother you had a shit time at his weddding?

GreenMeerkat · 02/07/2018 11:27

I wouldn't (and didn't) exclude kids from a wedding, and if I did it would only be the ceremony, certainly not the reception.

But some people do, and you just have to accept that. They made special arrangements for children to be there to the detriment of some adult guests. That is their prerogative. You shouldn't have pushed for kids to be there. Wedding choices are down to the bride and groom and should be accepted by all guests, or just don't attend.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 02/07/2018 11:27

I think the concept of child-free weddings is dreadful, and I cannot understand the tendency of some couples to put the constraints of their 'venue' (whenever I hear that word used in that context I can't help rolling my eyes a little and inwardly muttering 'it's a wedding, not Live Aid') above their actual families and friends and their actual families. That said, your family's pushiness over their choices and the drama you (collectively) created was just awful. This is really one of those 'nobody comes out of this looking good' scenarios.

CarefullyDrawnMap · 02/07/2018 11:28

DaphneCrane Come on Daphne, Frasier's a great show Grin

Frasier would probably want you to share your feelings with your brother and find a way to work together to move on from all this.

Marty would probably tell you to shut ya fat yap.

Maybe there's a middle way?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 02/07/2018 11:29

I wouldn’t mind being “put” in the orangery with my children and a few others, especially if it wasn’t a particularly child-friendly wedding. I’d appreciate it because I’d feel a bit more relaxed knowing my kids wouldn’t suddenly yell out during a speech or if they started squabbling etc. Less pressure.

Lalliella · 02/07/2018 11:29

They are U not you. Not fair if there’s a no kids rule except for her sister. Not fair if they then change that, have your DD as an attendant, but don’t include her properly. Ridiculous to separate your DH and DCs off into a separate room. Ok your DH shouldn’t have wanted to punch anyone but I guess he wouldn’t really have done that.

I too can’t understand not having kids at weddings. They are part of the family and bring joy to an occasion. And look cute. People who ban kids are up themselves imo.

Sparklyfee · 02/07/2018 11:30

I don't think your DH was unreasonable...he made his feelings clear well before the wedding. He was sulky and stubborn in the evening but he'd been stuck in a hot orangery in this weather with an equally annoyed BIL. They wanted a child free day celebrating with their wives (which you scuppered) and grown up family and what they got was sidelined.

How is it ok for your DM to be justified in feeling sidelined but not your DH and the BIL?

Wellthisunexpected · 02/07/2018 11:30

You should have followed your husbands advice and left the kids at home. Then all this could have been avoided.

nikimummy13 · 02/07/2018 11:31

It sounds like you've had a stressful time. Hindsight is a great thing. Families are complicated. I knew my mum wasn't pleased with some of my decisions regarding my wedding but she kept quiet. I didn't like to disappoint her but it was my wedding. The in-laws tried to guilt me into changing things too but I stayed strong and thankfully had a great husband. I'm just trying to say it's not easy to go against family wishes even if it is your wedding but I think your brother should have stuck to no kids rather than invite some but then treat them really poorly so that nobody had a good time. If you parents hold it against him or push about it things will only get worse. Best to realise mistakes were made on both sides and move on. Try to enjoy the rest of your holiday.

MulderitsmeX · 02/07/2018 11:32

Your OP is not super clear but people are missing that your SIL's family kids were invited but yours weren't which defintely makes her U.

If they wanted no kids she should not have had her niece etc there, if niece was there then your kids should be there. She sounds unpleasant and her BIL sounds like a dick.

Fwiw I dont mind no kids wedding, mine was family kids only which I think works well.

ManicUnicorn · 02/07/2018 11:32

Quite frankly OP you and your DM sound like a bit of a nightmare. You basically ruined your brothers wedding.

WhiteWalkerWife · 02/07/2018 11:33

Brides BIL was rude. He and his wife chose to bring kids and his wife fought for it. He was taking out his marital issues on your husband.

Your mum was very unreasonable. She has no say in any of it and while including her in planning would have been nice, it sounds like she is the type to insist on changes given her doing so over the children. So I suspect she was excluded because of previous behaviour, that you may or may not be aware of.

You would be very unreasonable to be her flying monkey but i would be honest about Bride's BIL if he ever mentions it.

You were unreasonable given that your husband wanted to leave the kids at home but the least out of all of them.

Bride and Groom were not unreasonable to have the wedding they want. They only would have been if you had declined and they had given you upset over that.

In regards to the other room, i suspect kids were such a last minute addition that they had no choice. Plus its a good idea to keep them together. Your brother should have made a cf wedding clearer but given that the Bride's sisters kids were also not invited (hence annoyed BIL at the change) i suspect it was made clear to everyone else and he left making it clear to his family until the last minute.

steff13 · 02/07/2018 11:34

Your OP is not super clear but people are missing that your SIL's family kids were invited but yours weren't which defintely makes her U.

The OP says the bride's niece was in the ceremony but was going to leave before the reception. So not really invited.

BlancheM · 02/07/2018 11:35

Not only have you made a song and dance about his wedding, you now want to confront him about it? I'd really, really just leave it.

WhiteWalkerWife · 02/07/2018 11:35

MulderitsmeX the Bride's sister's kids weren't invited. The bride's sister kicked off when OPs kids were and got hers invited too. Thats why the BIL was an arsehole. He didnt want them there. He was a dick.

LightDrizzle · 02/07/2018 11:35

Traditionally, the bride’s family make all arrangements for the wedding and the groom’s family organise and pay for the rehearsal dinner if there is one. The mother-of-the-groom has the luxury of turning up on the day serene and unstressed.
Of course with most couples paying for their own weddings these days, it’s the couple making the arrangements, the bride often involves her Mum though in dress shopping etc.
Your mother sounds like a nightmare; crying weeks beforehand about “lack of involvement”, then you both pressuring them into having kids etc. but you seething about driving the same distance you clearly think he should have been doing more regularly to hold your mum’s hand, - to buy the dress for your daughter to play a role in the wedding.
It sounds like they followed advice frequently seen on here to provide a child friendly area for the kids they were pressured into having, but you don’t like that as you couldn’t have your bevvies in there!
You sound like nightmare in-laws, god help them if they have children, you will be seething and your mum will be sobbing about not being in the delivery room etc.
Give them space and keep your complaints within your own close family who will clearly give you the validation you are seeking.
BIL shouldn’t have been kicking off either, shame neither bride nor groom’s family could put themselves second for one day and behave graciously.

Sparklyfee · 02/07/2018 11:36

The niece would've left after the ceremony. The addition of the other kids meant that they all stayed

slashlover · 02/07/2018 11:38

So your DB and DSIL wanted a child free wedding, except for one little girl who was leaving after the ceremony.

Your DM was upset and after talking to her, your DD was suddenly asked to be involved and a cousin's baby was invited. Also, because of this, the little girl in the wedding party had to be accommodated at the reception.

Due to your DM insisting, there are now enough kids going to mean that the reception needs another table to be added. The table was in a side room due to licensing laws or the fact they didn't want kids to be there in the first place. The kids were taken outside because they were being disruptive and weren't allowed back in because speeches were happening and it would have been even more disruptive.

And your DB and DSIL are in the wrong??

But I really wanted this as her sister’s kids were there and by this time they were actually invited.

This sounds as if you're competing.

Her sister then insisted that her kids be invited to whole thing.

Competing again.