To want to speak to my brother about his wedding

[DaphneCrane]

My brother got married on Saturday. My mother felt very left out in The weeks leading up to the event. My parents offered some money and he accepted but it was something for the house he chose to spend money on. Fair enough!
My mother did start asking me about bridesmaids/ushers etc. Finally a few weeks ago my brother came round... he lives 90 miles awy. He asked me how I felt about no kids at wedding. I said that I would be upset but would accept it but I think mum and dad would be devastated. Her niece was chosen as bridesmaid but was leaving before reception. Well off he went to mum’s and a few days later my eldest child was asked to be an attendant. We were told that the outfit could be bought at a certain shop in their home town. Against my husband’s wishes off I trekked to get outfit. Then my brother made noises about my inlaws... could they trek the best part of 100 miles to hold my younger child outside church? My husband at this point wanted to leave kids at home. I refused.
So wedding arrives eldest child really didn’t want to walk down aisle but managed it. Not a squeak out of baby.
Arrived at reception. My husband and children were separated from me and actually put into an orangery type thing attached to the main room. My husband was joined by my cousin’s partner and her child (whose presence another one my mother fought for) and by the bride’s brother in law. He apparently bellowed at cousin’s partner and asked her if she was the one who insisted the kids were invited. My husband pointed out that no that would be his wife. They then sat in silence for two hours just speaking with the kids. No alcohol could be served in this veranda thing. Kids tried to get down so cousin’s partner took them in grounds but was told by maitre d type person speeches were now on so she couldn’t go back in.
Both my mum and I were in tears. My dad wanted to say something to brother but we didn’t let him. My husband went upstairs with kids and stayed there all night not letting anyone relieve him. He is completely pissed off with me saying he wanted to punch arsey brother-in-law of sister-in-law. He is saying to just leave it but I want to talk to my brother. Do people think this was my fault. We are actually still in hotel trying to have a holiday. and my dad is paying.

Your post is incomprehensible and on those grounds YABU.

I understand that people don't want children at their weddings unless they're close family children,as in niece's and nephews.My brother got married recently and they had a no children rule but that didn't extend to really close family,their nieces and nephews and his little girl from a previous relationship,how could you leave them out of a wedding?,I couldn't,I'd be devastated if my nieces and nephews weren't at my wedding no matter what age they were.

Ce you invite someone to a wedding there is an obligation to host appropriately. If I had travelled a significant distance to a wedding only to be dumped in a room away from the actual reception is be pretty pissed. The reception is supposed to be a thank you to those who have witnesses your wedding.

I've never been to a RL wedding that was as upsetting and difficult as a MN wedding.

You should've left the kids at home. I don't blame you for feeling upset tho

I hate rules and regulations weddings and have no qualms about not going if the semantics are difficult for me.

This makes me think of a workmate who had a child free wedding back in 2011. She's nice enough but honestly the fuss in general was wearing. She had her little cousin as bridesmaid. The only child there. No inkling or consideration that it'd be pretty boring for the little one as only child at event.

Anyway fast forward to 2017 by which time she'd become a mum of 2 - & was annoyed as another colleague is having a child free wedding and she wanted to attend with DH & their kids😕

People just can't see themselves sometimes

I think the only person who’s behaved rudely and immaturely here is the bride in trying to exclude the groom’s nephew and niece from the wedding (I’m assuming it’s that way round because 99.9% of the time it is). Bang out of order. I think no-children weddings are the height of self-centered rudeness.

YWBVU to raise anything with your DB at any point over th next few months. Let them enjoy this time. Hopefully they’ll only get married once.

You and your mum altered the couples firm plans to have kids at the wedding by 'being upset'. You say you told brother you 'would respect his wishes but you were upset'. That's using emotional leverage.

You then ended up with a compromise which didn't work at all and your poor dh was stuck in a bloody side room for hours with two kids. Sorry op, but this situation was of your own making. If I was your dh I was be angry at you too.

I am totally an “anti-child at weddings” person. I wouldn’t DREAM of ignoring wedding requests. If I didn’t agree with something I just wouldn’t go - but that’s never happened because I’m not a complete dick.

If I were your brother I would feel really annoyed. He didn’t want kids. You forced that on him. It wasn’t your wedding. It wasn’t your mum’s wedding. It’s his and his partners. DO NOT fall out over this. You really don’t have the moral high ground here. Your brother needs to focus on his new wife not sorting out bickering relatives

I’m with the OP. They said no children at the start and it turns out actually there was a child, brides neice. So not really no kids. I understand how that would hurt. But I suspect they just wanted the neice for the photos which IMO is shit.

Then they changed their minds and said kids could come and be involved. So that changes the dynamic. It’s now a wedding with children.

When the kids got there they were put in a separate room and the adults supervising (who were actual original wedding guests) were not treated well. A bit like a punishment for bringing the kids.

If they didn’t want kids there they should have not had kids there (yes, brother should have had that difficult conversation with the mother), not invite one child but not the other or invite all children and treat them differently to other wedding guests.

Sounds like OP’s brother couldn’t bring himself to stand up to his mother (for kids) or his wife (against some kids) and ended up pissing everyone off.

The man who shouted at your husband is a dick though.

Your husband was right when he suggested leaving the kids at home, but then if you had done that you would have been on the end of a load of shit yourself from your mother and your brother after he had ‘graciously’ invited your kids after all.

It’s a no win situation so I would recommend just not saying anything. It can’t help.

I think the problem with weddings is that so many different people have in their head a vision of how the wedding should be, and have been happily daydreaming away, planning their plans. Then reality hits and it turns out that the bride or groom has family of their own who have their own ideas, which don’t match the vision in the head of other interested parties.

Weddings are drama, particularly when people have an unshakable vision of how things will be. The inevitable collision of reality can cause all sorts of fuss. I managed to lose at least a couple of stroppy aunts when I refused to have the huge faaaaaamily wedding (of 400 people) they felt confident in insisting upon. They are still huffing 10 years on. Don’t be that person OP. Its done, its over. Starting a whole session about it just prolongs the drama. Life does go on.

I've never been to a RL wedding that was as upsetting and difficult as a MN wedding.

Ooh I have! Sorry for derailing, but went to evening do for son of friends of inlaws (not close friends -heaven knows what we were doing there) where bride and best man had a punch-up at the reception because the best man and ushers had put some confetti etc inside the honeymoon cases and "they've seen my underwear" followed very closely by falling out between bride and groom and then punch-up between groom and best man (disclaimer: think they were all too drunk for the punches to really land and broken up very quickly by various aunties). I can't say I was surprised though to find that the marriage lasted all of 6 months.

OP I disagree with a lot of these posts. Your brother asked you how you’d feel and you told him. Every family is different so we all have different experiences. But so many posters say “it’s the B&G day so they can do what they like”. Well, usually people try to accommodate their families and friends to some extent, eg not having the wedding inAustralia if all the guests live in the UK. . If they were desperate to have a child free wedding they should have explained that wellin advance and understood that plenty family couldn’t come. I don’t really see what you’ve done wrong. Maybe wait but it might be worth telling Bro about nasty BIL in the future. Sorry the day wasn’t fun.

My cousin was getting married in a venue that was very small therefore they couldn’t accommodate children. Between them they have a lot of friends (and many of them have kids too) so they didn’t want to cut the number of their friends to accommodate kids. They completely understood that would mean that some people therefore would be unable to attend. I have two children so I just wasn’t going to go as it was in London and both of our regular babysitters would be at the wedding too, but my husband insisted that I went on my own, it was my family so I should be there. No dramas, I went and had a great time, Hubby stayed at home with the kids. Simple. I would of course have preferred my husband at least to have been there too but we respected my cousin’s choices. It’s also the choice of the invited guest whether to attend or not, not to harangue the bride and groom to accommodate their needs.