No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

@LottieJo1 the wedding was weeks ago. For God's sake RTFT.

I wouldn’t force her to go but I wouldn’t make staying home seem like a fun event eaither. Children have feelings and they shouldn’t just be ignored.

I echo PPs suggestions that you should try to have a chat - just the four of you- to talk about the arrangements and how DDs feel. He needs to hear these comments for himself and have this matter take up his head space.

It will also show DDs that while he has married someone else, you and he will still be there for them.

As long as you don’t prevent your DDs from having contact with their DF, and play your part in keeping the routine going, there will come a time when the DDs will make their own choices. It’ll be down to their DFs behaviour now whether they will want much contact in the future.

@mikeyssister apologies, I didn't realise. And I don't think it was just me responding late to the OP. No need to be rude.

@LottieJo1 sorry was just frustrated because it was about the third thread in a row I had read where someone hadn't read even the OPs updates.

I was irrationally annoyed and snapped at you.

Would speaking to him to say the kids are a bit worried about the weekend. Would he scale it back to lunch and the park to settle their worries?

Gosh.

I must start reading this thread throughout the day otherwise I feel I have to try and reply to everyone in one go. I'll start a new thread but respond to the messages here.

I'd never, never, never refuse his contact with his daughters. Even in the excruciatingly painful few weeks after I found out about NW and he left, he still saw them - I just made other arrangements in the collection/drop off to avoid having to see him - I was trying to maintain an air of normalcy but worried that seeing him might tip me over. He has never missed a contact weekend, except on one occasion when the girls had chicken pox and the weekends he was on holiday.

This isn't a question of my stopping the girls going - this is a question of how I navigate the rather complex situation of having an eldest who doesn't miss anything and gets very anxious about making sure that everyone is happy. She also remembers when her father and I were together where her sister does not, and I suspect that seeing the happy couple together is bringing back some sad memories for her.

My question was how I broach this with her. Am I honest with her, do I validate her feelings on this but explain that it is important that she maintain a relationship with her father who loves her, do I try and guide her down the new-normal route, do I lie and tell her I'm perfectly happy now, or do I try a mix of all of them? I'm not going to burden my six year old with the complications of an adult relationship - but I want her to see that we love her deeply and respect her feelings.

The reason I mentioned the argument is because I know the two worst scenarios are her going for the weekend when she really doesn't want to, probably refusing to eat anything and crying to come home, which I don't want. The other is that ExP and I possibly rearrange this weekend - to which he will argue, she will panic and say she wants to go if she has to, will then go - cue problem re: not eating, crying etc.

I feel like this one is going to be a hurdle.

New thread, as requested- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/what_would_you_do/3311790-The-12-year-non-engagement-Part-2?watched=1