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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
Sunshinegirl82 · 16/05/2018 07:36

It sounds like you've got everything in hand OP and I'm sure your girls will be absolutely fine whether their father steps up long term or not.

Just one point about the law "catching up" and non married couples having rights when separating akin to those who are married. I would say it's exceptionally unlikely that cohabbiting couples will ever have the same rights as married couples in the uk. I say that only because I think it's an important point to highlight for those who might read this (not to you specifically OP).

If you want the rights that marriage brings on seperation then you need to get married, it really is that simple. There are strong arguments against imposing obligations on those who haven't chosen to legalise their relationship. For example, in the OP's situation, if she were to start a new relationship in a few years time and want to live with that new partner she would presumably not want them to have a share of the house etc that she is working so hard to save for and she would presumably want to protect for her DC.

kaytee87 · 16/05/2018 07:37

that some other lucky sod turned around in six months!

I'd say she's unlucky, she's married to a cheat!

It must be such a kick in the gut though and I think you're allowed to feel a bit sorry for yourself.

I don't think you should do 100 mile round trip to facilitate this or it will just be the start of him taking the piss out of you. He can arrange transport and who gives a fuck what any of his guests think of you.

stopthecavalry · 16/05/2018 07:38

Such a tough situation OP. I would be tempted to do one of 2 things. Drop them off myself for the ceremony but try to arrange for you to pick them up shortly after. The wedding could be emotionally tough for them and I don't imagine any of the adults there really want to take responsibility for a 4 and 6 year old at a reception. I know their dad should but...mmm.
Or not take them at all as it is too soon after the split.

kaytee87 · 16/05/2018 07:38

Also congratulations on getting your flat. It is an achievement you should be proud of.

AJPTaylor · 16/05/2018 07:41

Fwiw, it sounds like kids are not bothered and prob shy DD wouldnt enjoy the whole flower girl thing.
The worst thing that can happen is you being called a bitch for not taking them. Id suck that up.

PlumsGalore · 16/05/2018 07:41

I think the OP sounds extremely lovely, very capable and has her head screwed on. Especially since this break up is so recent.

She has done the right thing in agreeing to the girls attending but absolving responsibility for their arrangements. Long may this stance continue as I suspect if she helped out now, then it would continue as the precedent would be set.

Karigan1 · 16/05/2018 07:42

My god he’s getting married a year after his affair and split and expects you to be the chauffeur! No way!

It’s still going to be raw for you and the kids at this stage. I did actually act chauffeur when my ex got remarried but it was 3 years after he cheated and time to heal had happened. This so soon after is a slap in the face and bloody inconsiderate for both you and the kids.

Ask if he’s prepared to arrange it. If he is not then take the girls away for a short break.

sexnotgender · 16/05/2018 07:42

Wow, what a horrible situation OP.

Definitely don’t dance to their tune, if your daughters want to go that’s fine but they need to make all the arrangements and you need to be comfortable with them.

procrastinationsupremo · 16/05/2018 07:42

fikit I'm not a particularly gushy person, but reading this I really wish you were my friend, I think you sound bloody brilliant! Clever and composed and caring and brave. If you were my friend I'd give you a big hug and a large glass of something expensive to drink. It's a really impossible situation to navigate and I hope your XP comes to his senses and organises a sensible solution. If not I actually think you turning up in your mini and jeans (obviously you will have artfully covered yourself in make-up etc.) would look pretty cool, especially if you can plaster a convincing smile on your face and maybe give the bride an unnerving wink?? You could book all of you into a hotel not too far away (at XP's expense) and make it into a little holiday? Spend the wedding time getting some treatments and then do some nice stuff with your girls?

Laiste · 16/05/2018 07:43

I know you've texted him already, but i thought i'd still put my hapeth in!
:)

If this were me i'd be seething, of course. But i'd drop off and pick the girls up myself. You've already decided to let them go; so the next question is 'what's best under the circ.s'?

Them and their security and happiness would be my no.1 priority and i'd spend the whole bloody day/weekend worrying about them if i didn't do it. I would be worrying about how they will process/look back on this. I'd like them to be able to think: that day was good/weird/shit/fun/confusing ... whatever ... but mum dropped us off at the door and was there with a reassuring hug and took us home at the end.

Flowers OP.

Troels · 16/05/2018 07:43

He needs to sort it all out himself if he wants the girls there. Asking you to drive two 100 miles round trips is too big an ask.
Let him and MIL know that yes the kids can go, you aren't availible to deliver them and they need to come get them the night before and bring them back after. They have time to sort it.

Beesarmy · 16/05/2018 07:44

ExH and his mistress can look after the DCs for the night. Why should you go out of your way for a boy who has treated you like dirt. His mother can do one as well.

Don’t worry OP the marriage won’t last. You can’t turn a h** into a housewife as my brother would say.

Oliversmumsarmy · 16/05/2018 07:44

What is the big deal wanting his 2 young daughters to be at his wedding.

After all it is just a piece of paper.

I wonder what it teaches your DDS if they go.

Don't know how to put this but what is it teaching your DDS. It is OK for a man to dump all over you and the response is to facilitate what ever this guy wants.

Not something I would be comfortable with.

If he really wanted for his DDS to be flower girls at his wedding he would have married their mother

procrastinationsupremo · 16/05/2018 07:45

P. S. My Mum and I lived in a 1 bedroom flat (rented and not in a nice area!) whilst she did her second degree. I basically think she's the best person that ever lived. I never really met my Dad, and by all accounts he sounds like a total prat (from a very wealthy and enabling family) but my Mum has never bad-mouthed him to me and I love her for it!

specialsubject · 16/05/2018 07:46

far too much hassle for five minutes carrying flowers , and daddy wont be paying any attention to them. just no especially as older child knows what is going on.

good luck to the temporary wife, there is now a vacancy for mistress.

NellMangel · 16/05/2018 07:46

Same thing happened to me. It's incredibly hurtful.

I refused to go to the reception to collect but offered that my mum would. In the end ex decided not to have DC there at all cos he wouldn't be able to look after them.

They're arguing over divorce assets now. Pair of dicks.

Don't go to the reception, it's a very unfair demand, he needs to find a solution not you x

BuntyII · 16/05/2018 07:48

You're doing really well OP Thanks

GrapesAreMyJam · 16/05/2018 07:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Notonthestairs · 16/05/2018 07:50

What is shocking and shows immaturity on his part is that he hasn't found it in himself to call you and talk this through, confirm who will be watching them etc. He's offered no solutions that don't put on you.

His mum has had to do it for him.
Utterly pathetic and if it were my son I'd be thoroughly ashamed of him.

I think for the future it's important that they are there for at least part of the day. As per your message he needs to arrange collection and I think they will need and want to see you at the end of it.

Will there be other children there to play with? Small issue I know but weddings can be deadly dull.

He's really really not a catch. You on the other hand sound lovely.

BrandNewHouse · 16/05/2018 07:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fflamingo · 16/05/2018 07:52

You need clear info on who when will return them, you don’t want to be pacing the floor at 11 pm wondering how they are getting back. In fact speak to the returner to confirm their return time —or you will call the police— so you don’t have to worry.

Helpmeplan · 16/05/2018 07:56

Op. I rarely get emotional over these things. You are doing so well to keep your head held high. It must be so hard to keep your cool, but you are doing fantastically. Your children will flourish with you as a mother.

Whatever you decide I am positive it will be the right decision for you and the children x

LoveProsecco · 16/05/2018 07:58

How awful!

Defo his place to sort the kids out. I would refuse to drop off or collect

ScrubTheDecks · 16/05/2018 07:59

It’s a really cruel request, that you do all that dropping, and picking them up from the Reception.

No one with a shred of empathy would think it reasonable that you do that.

If it was a film you would arrive at the Reception in your jeans, pop in for a drink and a pee, all his friends who know you would rush to greet you affectionately and excitedly, leaving conversations with tne bride’s relatives to do so. you would make your way to the top table, and in front of her (mortified) parents, collect your DDs, who cling to you, the 4 year old shrieking ‘can we go home now Mummy?’

They should be careful what they wish for!

I do hope he responds like a grown up, OP.

zzzzz · 16/05/2018 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.